Some shit

We all have problems. Big problems probably, if we’re on this site. But come on! There’s always the future, I’m not saying some bullshit like you can do whatever you want, but lying to yourself that you’ll succeed at something or that things will get better eventually might be the only way to open up the possibility of your life actually getting better.

The truth is that the things you want to happen to you…. well, sorry, but they probably won’t happen. We always want what we can’t have, after all. The grass is always greener.

Speaking of, I remember being in a long term and committed relationship with a girl who loved the shit outta me, and hating it, being envious of my single friends without the ball and chain, seeing only her flaws. Now I wish, so hard, that the same girl would forgive me from breaking up with her and would take me back. The guilt for how I felt when I was with her (and how I treated her) drives me insane. Now the hope that she’ll take me back, even though logic tells me that she never will, is really all that keeps me going…

But it’s enough for me. Irrational hope can keep you going, I think, long enough for something else to change and for you to get back on your feet again. It has motivated me to get clean, stop dealing drugs, and to go back to school. (I smoked a lot of weed when I was with her, then after we broke up and I started feeling guilty and after I begged her unsuccessfully to get back together with me I developed an addiction to painkillers and then heroin) I’m completely clean and sober now (which is A *****!!!!!), it’s been like two weeks now, because when I get back to the midwest and go back to into college this spring, where she is, I’m going to try fucking my hardest to win her back, and even if I fail miserably I’ll at least have made it that far. I’ll at least have proven to myself that I’d do whatever it takes and gone down fighting, so to speak. I think any girl would be lucky to have a guy who would really put in the effort for someone. If you try your hardest, even if you fail, I think it’ll set you up to be more likely to succeed in future endeavors. Someone will appreciate me even if this chick won’t (she has every right to not want me anymore, in all fairness to her) and shit will turn out ok, I’ll find someone who’ll love me like she loved me. I’ll eventually get there.

Maybe this shit doesn’t make sense and maybe my circumstances aren’t universally analogous (they obviously aren’t), but the message I’m tryna get out there is don’t give up. Just keep trying even if it seems pointless and illogical and you face rejection after rejection, something’s bound to work out eventually if you keep pulling out all the stops in your endeavors, and if you can truly be honest with yourself about how much effort you’re really putting in. Go hard or go home.