Survivor – 15 years later

I sent a bullet through my skull 15 years ago on November 10th, 1997.  I never did it again, came close a couple of times but I’ve tried hard never to let things get that bad again.  Of course, so many things are out of our control and there’s always the day to day BS that can lead to death by a thousand cuts.  Even as a small child I remember suicide being an option.  If things went bad at school or with friends I remember thinking “I could always kill myself” and it made me feel better.  I didn’t act on it until much later but it was like an ace in the hole that no one knew about that allowed me to feel better.  Now that I have a beautiful wife and son and I don’t want to abandon them things are so much more difficult.  I don’t have that “ace in the hole” any longer.  I don’t know what to do when the gloom grabs a hold and pushes me toward the end.

Has anyone survived an attempt, and still battles with the darkness but know you can’t submit?

What do you do?

What are some tools for survival?

Tomorrow marks 15 years of life but I feel so angry and lost for no apparent reason, I don’t know what to do.

BvG