There is someone who bullies me. Someone who teases and taunts and tortures me. That bully is me.
No matter what I do, I notice a flaw in me. I’m stupid, ugly, fat, and friendless. No one listens to me. I doubt my parents even care about me. Whenever I try talking to them, they don’t even bother to understand my problems. I can’t talk to my brother. He has autism and wouldn’t understand anything. My ‘friends’ are fake, as fake as a Barbie doll. No matter how hard I try in school, there are always people who do better than me. I hate comparing myself to others, but I find myself doing so everyday.
I’ve thought about suicide. I’ve tried cutting, but I’m too scared of the knife. I’ve tried drowning, but I’m too scared of sinking. I’ve tried taking pills, but I’m too scared of waking up in a hospital with my parents looking at me disapprovingly, shaking their heads as if saying, “Why did you do this? We gave you everything you wanted.”
I wonder how death will be like. Like in the movies, will your whole life flash before you? Will you remember all the bad deeds you’ve done? Will it feel painless, or will a piercing pain start in your heart?
I’m tired of crying everyday, hoping that the next day will be better, when in the end, it only gets worse. I want to kill myself to hide from the pain. I disguise the pain with a smile on my face, but at night, it turns to a frown as I cry myself to sleep.
I just want that one friend who will be there for me during the worst times, who can comfort me, make me laugh, and in the end, will still remain my friend.
2 comments
I think that in my past life -if there’s such thing- I killed myself, and ended up here. That’s the only thing that makes sense to me, at the moment.
Learning to be your own friend is something that has to be learned & practiced by conscious intent. Most people on here have been emotionally abused one way or the other & it creates a poor set up mentally, emotionally, & spiritually in your own head.
Everything you’re thinking is conditioning that you did have the strength at the time to resist because you were to young & didn’t get the love you needed. True, pure love is the most important nutrient in our existence. The part of you that ‘thinks’ is the unhappy self. In truth that is not who you are. As best you can, take a few minutes out in the morning & afternoon & sit quiet & find the gap in your thoughts…it may take some discipline at first…but practice & you may find you enjoy it, & uncover the lies that are going through your thoughts. Good luck.