Today. 11-12-12.

Today I was so depressed I just didn’t have control over me. I was a friend to someone and let them slap me, because they were feeling down. I’m not a masochist but I don’t feel pain to a certain degree and It didn’t phase me. But after she struck me, something inside me clicked. I ran to the bathroom and I just tried to lighten myself up. I wasn’t in the situation where I could walk around the room upset and in tears. But I cried, and cried. We had call, and I had to go into the Green Room (I’m in a play rehearsal, btw) and I sit there listening to music, and these girls sitting there just look and laugh at me, and I’m listening to music and I can’t hear them, but they just point and laugh. Then I notice I should check my cue, and I’m also about to just cry my head off, cause I’m just done with life. I go to my cue (late because of mood) and then I come back, and the girl that pointed and laughed at me was like Here, Cossette (using my alias for my SP) take my hand. And she led me into the dressing room, and then she was like “why are you so down?” and I just shrug, and she opens her arms and forces me to hug her. and then I try to pull away. I’m about to just die. I’m almost in tears. I’m on the verge of crying my eyes out. I’m just done. Then I’m like please stop. I can barely talk because my vocal chords are so balled up from my need to cry, and then i just burst into tears. Using a lot of my strenghts I push her back, and I just say “Please Stop” and I’m in tears. I see my face in the mirror, and I just run to the nearest bathroom, which, luckily for me, was about two feet away. I would have locked the bathroom door, but It wasn’t lockable. Sop I just sat in front of the door, and acted the postition of the stopper. I was crying so hard. I can’t stand anything. I can hear about 3 or 4 more girls come into the dressing room, and they’re already talking about me crying. The girl that slapped me blamed herself I think. It wasn’t her. I had already had family problems going on days before. I don’t know what’s making me feel so suicidal lately, but I am. I hate it so much. Two girl try to come in the door but are stopped by some talking about not opening the door. I try to muster up my courage to get out of there. But I couldn’t. I wait until I don’t hear talking as much about me, and I dry my tears and I grab my stuff and I take my script and I open the door, and throw my bookbag to the side. With my headphones in my ear I don’t hear anything, so I can’t hear anyone trying to stop to talk to me. I take a chair out in the main green room, and I just listen to music and I’m just mustering up my thoughts and trying to stay strong. I put on an act for the rest of the day. I learned you can die from styrafoam. though It may have ticked off someone that I’m suicidal though. Oh well. First World Problems.
My day.