haunting

I was 11 years old when my older sister told me she was raped. She was drunk and let it spill with tears pouring out as well. My parents have never been there for us, blinded by their own lives and misery. I loved my sister with everything I had. And though I knew close to nothing about this life, I put my heart, soul, and mind into carrying her destruction. Years that followed brought pain, and abandonment. Coked up and too much to handle, the police took my sister and world from me again and again. A broken heart ruined her, and I, alone and away had no way to help. My story sets the president for who I am, and what this world is to me. Though many things have happened since, I go back to this place, time and time again. This place that brought me the worst physical and emotional pain I’ve ever felt, the place where my world was turned upside down. I think back, and wonder who I could have been if things were different then. If someone loved me as I was able to love.

Two years later, when my sister was released from a girl’s home, our family packed up and left, tens of thousands of miles away, and never looked back. I trained myself to never be victimized, and if I was, not to let it ruin me like it ruined my sister. About a year ago today, I was also taken advantage of. I met this guy in school who had just got out of jail, but at the time I didn’t know. He lied about everything. We were best friends, though the truths started unfolding day after day. We drank together, we smoked weed, and we did coke together. I cared about him a lot, the core of every pain. We went to a guy’s house whom he had met in jail, to party. I thought I knew my friend. We got wasted, and after I puked and he helped me to a bedroom, I passed out. The morning sky show behind his naked body as my eyes opened and closed again. He was on top of me, I was naked and dirty, but felt nothing. We left, before anyone woke up.

I didn’t talk to anyone, just slept, numb. Nothing happened, because I couldn’t go down that road of insanity. Three weeks later I would see him again. New Year’s Eve left me home alone and therefore drunk. He called, and was coming to pick me up so we could go out. We left, we got high, and he took me to his house in basic kidnap. He ripped my pants off and fucked me. That night I felt my first orgasm. (Today with my fingers I get the same shameful feeling, a feeling for sinners, to feed the flesh, and one that brings discomfort and shame back to me.) When I went home the next day I fell on my knees in tears, praying to God for the filth I felt. I do not understand why things happen the way they do. Why people abandon you, take advantage of you. Why I still saw a friend when this guy pushed, grabbed, and forced himself on me, for hours on end. Why couldn’t I have been stronger, used a knife, or even have had faith in the pigs who’d done nothing of value in my life previously. Why didn’t my parents play any role, enough to keep me away from these things.

Soon after. I fell in love with a great guy, it was the best time of my life. And because of my fear to be left, once soo close, we’re now done. The best thing that ever happened to me is gone, and won’t be back. He helped me through what he could, but mostly he was just there. I’m a fucking fool, I don’t see how things will ever be different. Depression will take my life, as it has defined it. I no longer want to be a part of this world. Sin itself seems to own me. Every step toward God that I take, I fall two steps back. Fear of failure fueled a fire in me for soo long, but now I no longer see hope within the future. I have no friends, and an all too distant family. The blade of a knife is the only good physical feeling I have left, as it takes my mind off emotional withdraw. I know that bad things happen to everyone, and that I’m lucky comparably. This hole that I live in will never be filled, not after 18 years. This world was not made for me, and idk how to happily fit into it.