I have attempted suicide more times than I can count from as early as a young teen and more recently over the past year. Finally a social worker basically yelled at myself that I was being selfish and if I suceeded I would be guarunteeing that they will have the same struggle with mental illness that I have had. That is one of my biggest nightmares for my children to have to suffer like I have for 20+ years. But now I almost resent the children for keeping me here. It’s a horrible thought and it had me up in tears in the middle of the night. How do I let it go and learn to live and accept life?
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Why do you hate life? And what kept you from commiting suicide when you were a teen? Also, how old are your children?
This is a delicate topic and can’t be answered with willy nilly answers. I COULD tell you what makes ME feel like it’s worth it, but every person is different. I’m sure you’ve been talking to death about your life for the better part of your years, but I can’t give advice if I don’t know what I’m dealing with. Please, let’s try to work this out together. 🙂
I know what you mean about resentment, but for me it’s really the frustration of guilt. Yes, you’ve got survivalism, and it’s damn exhausting, but it’s your past and not your children that are the problem. Yeah, we know that. But that is how you can move on – knowing that memory comes with emotions and has little to do with your future he is happening right now. Remember that, and remind others that simple fact too.
I sincerely hope you will feel and live better, JamieW…
lol misspell… future “that” is happening right now
Thank you for the kind replies. what kept from suceeding as a teen was I din’t know how to be sucessfull. I know the kids aren’t the problem, heck it’s nothing in my life right now. No I don’t love my husband and the feeling is mutual, we still get along pretty well.
My kid are 6-8-and 10. I love them. But right now I feel like I am stuck and my life is like te Groundhogs day movie, same thing over and over. But even that’s not it, It just comes from when I enter dark thoughts and I don’t even care about whats going around me. I have severe major recurring depression, I gues that is what I trying to end by ending my life. I have a psychiatrist and a psychologist but the meds and therepy just aren’t working.
You said you’ve felt this way SINCE your teen years, correct? So you haven’t felt happy even once?
Jamiewonderer, how old are you at the moment? I’d say that mid-life crisis could be affecting you more. So that could be one of the reasons you feel so down at the moment.
As for the feeling of rut, there’s no other way, but to just start doing things. Go out and exercise. Meet new people. Hell, get a religion. Just do SOMETHING. You MUST know that getting out of a rut means that you have to break the cycle and do something else for a change.
Also, include your kids. Go to picnics. Go to Disneyland, the Zoo, even the Supermarket together. Take some alone time, but also spend time with your family. Go out there and see the World, save some money and visit… Finland or something 🙂
Also, what helps me to understand myself better is reading psychology books. I love reading them and doing online quizzes and tests about myself. It gives me ideas on how to improve 😀
Do you have any questions?
jamiewonderer,
You do your best to raise your kids and that’s all you can do don’t worry about what happens in the future worry about now, and after you done what you can for them then worry about you. Try different meds, try different shrinks! Not everything or everybody is one size fits all.