I feel sorry for not being here for the last four or so days. I have no excuse, but the fact that I was stressed beyond belief. And I didn’t want to come here in fear that I’d become snappish and sarcastic to people, who actually need genuine help. And this all happens right before I go to the hospital, too.
But now I’m here. And I’m sad. I’m usually not, some of you know that. But today I am.
I remembered my father’s death today. And it saddened me, because I remember now, 3 years later, that I was partly at fault for his death.
He started drinking heavily before his death. It had happened before, multiple times. And I used to not worry, because I knew he’d be okay. This time I was so upset and so worried about him.
I asked mum if she used to beg him to stop and she said she did. She used to cry and beg him, but it wouldn’t help. He’d start crying too, he’d feel guilty, but he’d feel so bad that he went to the store and bought more liquor.
And I went and started calling him.
And we talked and I begged him not to drink anymore. But we mostly just talked, even if he was drunk off his ass and fell asleep on at least one occasion. And this went on for a week or so.
And my sister then went to him and really talked to him – told him that if he didn’t stop, then it’s the hospital for him. And he promised to sober up, because he didn’t want to go to the hospital.
And after I heard that news I did the worst thing possible in that situation – I called him.
I called him and I just started crying over the phone. He was almost sober by then. But I don’t even remember why I started crying. I just did. And he started crying as well. And I asked him not to start drinking again. And he, crying, promised.
Three days later I found out that he was dead. He died a day after my call from a heart-attack. He had liquor bottles fresh from the store in his apartment. And he had been drunk when he died.
What had I been thinking? I guess I was hoping that if I cried and begged for him to stop, then he would. Now I wish my phone would’ve broken. I wish my mum’s and bro’s phones would’ve been broken as well.
Alternatively, I wish I would’ve listened to my gut instinct and sat on a bus and driven to his place, school or not.
I’m not gonna kill myself. But I’m sad. And I miss him.
Haha, it’s 3 years later and I had gotten over it. But now I can’t see what I’m typing even anymore, because of how sad I am. Why haven’t I gotten over it yet? I have. But I’m still sad. 🙁
13 comments
Why do you feel it’s your fault? It is not. You must understand this. You can’t go on carrying this kind of guilt. I’m glad your in a safe place now . Take advantage of everything they have to offer. Your feelings will subside.
Sinine, it’s not your fault. And you not getting over it? He’s your dad. I’d be more worried if you HAD gotten over it sooner. I’m sorry this happened, and that you’re having what seems to be an awful day 🙁 we’ve missed you..
Dear Sinine,
Lets start by saying: I’m so sorry for you, this happened to you! I really am… – I’m not so good at talking to people, but for you.. I’ll try! –
It’s not your fault he died! He was addicted to alcohol. He probably had the liquor before you called him… you’re not the fault! He didn’t die because you didnt save him, or did call him.
3 years is nothing… have you tried counseling, that might help…
I will be here if you need me, and you can have my e-mail if you want…
Lots of love,
Dawn
blackhole & solitarywalker,
You see, actually, I had a bit of a hand in the death of my father. If I hadn’t called him that day, he might just still be alive. If I hadn’t made him sad, maybe he wouldn’t have gone to the bottle again… right when he was sobering up.
It took two YEARS for the dreams of him to slow down. And the past year I haven’t had any regular dreams of him. Actually I don’t have dreams anymore at all. And I feel like I finally got over it when the dreams stopped. So I kind of perplexed why it suddenly came up again.
And yes, I miss all of you too. I hope I’ll have more energy and life in me again when I come back from the hospital. Leaving on Thursday, so…
Sinine,
You fruit cake! Just kidding yeah! Were you been! We missed you! Bad Sinine bad! Hey listen you try to blame yourself! you can blame yourself all you want for trying to help him but it’s not your fault! Very sorry he couldn’t quit, addiction is a *****! So……………. Cheer up my little cartoon girl!
Dawn,
Thank you for doing what you’re normally averse to. It says a lot about you as a nice person.
But the fact is that he did NOT have the alcohol when I called him. He sounded so…. sober when I called the final time. That’s what still bugs me. It’s really done a number on my brain. The fact that I’ve been thinking about it nonstop since, well, now. And it seems to be true.
I’m going to a hospital on Thursday for a week. And I’ve been to counseling since before my father died – it just intensified when my dad died. But it DOES help, so that’s why I’m going. 🙂
I’ll keep in mind your generosity <3 Please share that with other people on here as well, when I'm gone. It makes me happy when people help each other.
rocketman,
I missed you guys as well! 😀 But, like I said, I was so stressed that I was afraid I’d snap at the very next post, should I try to help someone on here again. I feel horrible for not helping. And yet I feel like I either don’t want to, or I can’t help anyone. I’m not depressed, still, but I’m feeling like I’ll have a panic attack sooner or later.
But it’s nice to see you. 🙂 it really is.
one more time! it wasn’t your fault! nobody here will tell you it was or agree with you! it wasn’t your fault!
yes you help people! you helped me and it’s okay to take a break! me too! so………. smile!SMILE BIG!
rocketman,
And yet, the guilt, it’s maddening. Death makes us think so much about the ‘what ifs’ and frankly I’m surprised I’m not mental yet. Though I’ve heard I got off relatively easy; some people take decades to overcome the death of a loved one. And that actually manages to make me feel ashamed that I got over his death in just 3 years. 🙁
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
blackhole,
Thank you 🙂
(I see irony here, because now our roles are reversed. It’s… Refreshing. And I really am thankful.)
Sinine,
How long is long enough? 5-10-20 years? The rest of your life! come on girl, my mother died 4 years ago sure it hit me hard I started cooking what she cooked so I wouldn’t miss her so………………… much! She wouldn’t want me to dwell on it she say rocket get over it! And be happy! live your life! And add a little more garlic to the spaghetti sauce.