I’m male, 15, and I’ve been depressed and suicidal for a few years now. Every single story I’ve read about depression has had a root cause; a reason they’re depressed. Something had to have happened. A family issue, a relationship issue, a school issue, I don’t even know. And I have none of these. It makes me feel guilty that I want to kill myself but I have no “real” reason because it’s all in my head. I don’t meet the criteria to be officially psychotic but I know I’m crazy to an extent. The thoughts that go on in my head are random and morbid to any and every extent that it scares me. I don’t understand myself.
I have read the novels by Ayn Rand and I took (parts of) her philosophy to heart. Every man should live for them self, only, and for no one else. All my life I have been living for everybody else but me. I have no interests. I don’t find real joy in anything – it’s all superficial. And I hate it. I don’t see anything to live for, for myself. Every reason I can think of for why to live is for somebody else. All of the people who will be “devastated.” Why should I care about them or how they feel? I don’t want to live because other people want me to. I want to live to enjoy myself and my life but I can’t. And I know things will probably change when I’m older but I don’t want to get older.
Right now I want to kill myself so badly. But I think of the people it will hurt. And I don’t care. But I do care. And I can’t do it. I can’t imagine suddenly not existing. Life goes on the same way every day and it has to continue. But I don’t want it to. I keep thinking about what I would put in my suicide note. And how inadequate it would be trying to explain myself. Part of why I don’t want to live is because I see no purpose in living. Nothing that any person can conceive is relevant at all to anything. What would it even be relevant to? The universe exists. And it will end. And we can’t stop it. Nothing humanity has ever done or ever will do makes any difference to anything. And there’s nothing to make a difference for. So why are we forced to do so much pointless shit? There are so many stupid things in life that are pointless but I have to do because that’s how society works. I don’t want to do them. There is no reason for them – they have no purpose. I don’t want to live a pointless life in which I suffer.
I’m not explaining this right… I hate everything in life. I don’t want to live through it. I have every reason to kill myself (except a “real” one) and no reason not to. But I can’t. I don’t know if I should care for the people who will be affected; my parents, siblings, “friends,” classmates… or even if I do care. I can’t stand it and it’s all so confusing and it feels so good to type this all out but I don’t know if I can post it. I’ll just feel more guilty. But about what? I don’t know. I can’t stand it and I don’t understand it. I’m just a “normal” kid in a rich town that I hate surrounded by terrible people that I hate and I should be fine. But inside my head, it’s fucking crazy. Nothing makes sense. I’ll leave it at this for now and just post this….
8 comments
Welcome to the Nihilism Brotherhood im-just-a-kid. I understand how you feel about life generally just not being worth the effort. You don’t have to have bad things happen to you to be depressed. I grew up extremely privileged and loved, and yet I’ve thought about (and sometimes attempted) suicide for 20 years. I’m 27 now and I’ve scraped and crawled from nearly the beginning of my life.
While I philosophically agree with you (and existential nihilism is rather depressing), you may also have a biochemical disorder that is feeding your apathy and distaste for life. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and clinic depression, and a feeling of emptiness simply comes with the territory.
What I’m trying to say is it could be a couple things: You could simply be depressed by the human condition (which is unusual for someone your age), or you could have a disorder. However, like myself, you could also have both.
Nihilism inherently rejects the idea that anything has value, but life isn’t that simple, and like you, I still care deeply about other people and the world as a whole. I know what it’s like to feel like a walking contradiction. You know nothing matters, but you also still care. It’s just part of being human, and the entirety of life can’t be contained by a single philosophical viewpoint. Humans both have intellect and emotion, and no one is completely void of either one.
You’re extremely intelligent for your age and that’s a difficult burden to carry. When you’re questioning the validity of existence while your friends just want to play Call of Duty, it’s easy to feel confused. Ask your parents if they’ll take you to see a professional; you may have an undiagnosed disorder.
You’re not alone and you’re not the only one wondering if any of this truly matters. You’ll have to come up with you own answers, but you’re certainly not the first to struggle with this. If you do have a disorder, there might be some medication that helps you enjoy life a bit more. A huge part of enjoying life is just living in the moment; for some of us it’s a bit harder than it is for others.
Wow. I had no idea that there was an actual philosophical theory that states exactly what I have been thinking. That’s pretty awesome. Depressingly awesome…
Another weird thing is that I can be really empathetic so I can understand how someone feels without having ever been in their situation and I feel bad with them and for them. But then I can be very apathetic and hate everyone and everything. Maybe I’m a little bit bipolar with without the severe moodswings…?
Yes I do question existence half the time but the other half of the time I just play Call of Duty like my mindless friends…
My mom is a psychiatrist and I think she can tell that something is wrong but I haven’t told her anything. I originally put this in the post but then removed it… I don’t want to see a professional. I don’t want to be diagnosed and given medication to keep me alive. Everything in life is a choice and that doesn’t exclude life itself. While some people may care about us, I think most don’t. To have to live on meds with people watching you, knowing you’re fucked in the head and they have a responsibility to keep you alive and not let you kill yourself – the idea disgusts me. I think that people have the right to kill themselves if they want to. Medication and constantly ensuring that a person doesn’t “slip away†violates this right in a terrible way. It forces a person to live, suffering through a life they clearly don’t want to live, only for the people keeping them alive. They want the person alive so they keep the person alive for themselves. Suicide isn’t nearly as selfish as that is.
Don’t worry, you’re not the only one fucked up.
This is my first time on this site and your post was the first thing I read.
I’m also 15 and there was so much stuff I could relate to in your post I just had to make an account. But you’re right. Everything tells you to keep on living for the sake of everyone who “cares” about you and how your death would desvastate them. But they don’t understand that a suicidal person doesn’t give a fuck about living for someone else. Whats the point of living if you can’t enjoy your own life… We all end up dying anyways, just the difference of who can get there faster. God, why am I even here right now…I’m going crazy too
If you can relate, then maybe that means that neither of us are crazy…
But it feels better to know that I’m not alone.
I finally know what’s wrong with me :/
well then i envy you because i have no idea what’s wrong with me. hence the title…
I’m just a kid. This is so ironically perfect ot describe myself as well. I’ve spent my whole life fighting age prejudice. Obliterating normal age restrictions to move forward in life. But here, the pain. The pain, the love, and the blatent insanity I feel is too strong for someone who is 15. Like you, I have no cause. I am too young. And I am insane. We are alike in suffering, and that sucks for both of us.
as my dad always says: “Life sucks and then you die.”