Clair. Over and over and over and over and over and over again.

I do not want this. I want to be somewhere else. I understood I can’t deal with love. I can’t love, I can’t love the way you do. The way I love is: I live him/her, that means I should leave him/her alone so that person can be happy. When I feel the “I want to be with you” love it’s pretty weird, because all I want is just run away, I feel like I want to throw up.

My doubts have been confirmed; my dad is an alcoholic. He’s as depressed as I am, and he wants this back to normal. I miss being a fetus.

The other day, I woke up with puffy eyes because I cried 3 hours and slept 2. I had to go to school and I had a good day because I was wearing contacts and some people said I was pretty.  Sometimes I do envy other people’s lives. Most of the time. I hate this, is not the pain, I can live with it and I actually like it. Is just the feelings. I rather pain and sadness over fear and feelings. I want the lack of feelings. I can’t deal with it.

I made this promise to myself, that I will die before 30. Please, if you ever meet me, kill me. Please, at least when I turn between 25-28. I need to throw up and pretend those are my feelings.

I used to think crying was ok but now I cry and have puffy eyes so it pisses me off.

When I hear a noise at night, I think there’s 2 options: someone’s trying to get into the house or my dad just killed himself.

I do miss people. Those feelings, specially when I miss someone, make me realize I can love. I can’t deal with love. It’s good for movies but it is just not for me. I was made for… being a prostitute or something. You know, I was born to be social crap.