So this is my first story here…
I’m 20 years old and have been thinking about suicide since I was about 7
(yes, for real)
Thing is, back then, I was also happy… The biggest problems I had were
“my brother ate my chocolate” and so on… And well, now, with getting older, encountering other *more severe* problems in life, they still don’t get to me in a way that I would want to kill myself because of them. As said in the title, I’m a quite happy person.
But in all these years, all this time, there is a constant need to end it all…
My urge to do this is not a certain problem (Or at least, not one I could point my finger on) but I do feel that something is wrong in my life. With me, with my point of view… Because, common! Who the hell would think about suicide when he/she’s having fun, perfectly happy and with loving friends around? I really don’t know how to explain this to myself… Hope that there are some of you out there who feel the same way (and maybe know why?)
Anyway, all this thoughts I keep inside me were supposed to stay a secret. And when the time came, I’d spend one last perfect day with everyone I love and then just disappear… Telling them how I found god and wanna go to a *closed type* monastery… Isn’t that actually the same thing? They wouldn’t hear or see from me ever again… And yet, they’d let me do it (I hope) because that’s my wish. My one true call in life… So what’s the deal with suicide? Why don’t people let other people do it? It’s a choice, just like this monastery thing… Personally, I think it’s because people just don’t want to feel guilty. No one really wants to have someone else’s death as a burden on their soul… Even if that’s something that person really really wants! They’d rather put you in a mental hospital and feed you with drugs and let you become a “vegetable”.
Who do they really do a favor with that?
(Don’t get me wrong, I think people who have problems should get some kind of help… but this is not about those people…)
Honestly, I think there are a lot more like me out there.
A lot of people you hear about in the news: “he/she was a very happy and polite kid. No problems in the school, family, friends… There were no signs of depression…” (because there are non)
So, hope there are some of you who know what I meant by all this,
who understand.
Because, to whomever I TRY to talk about this, it usually turns out quite bad…
All I really want is for someone to accept my thoughts, someone who wouldn’t instantly call me crazy, selfish and/or label me as a person with many issues that has to get help… That’s why I’m posting this here.
Please, share your thoughts about this!
Thank you 🙂
5 comments
I don’t presume it is the same experience with you, but in my case, I also get depressed when I am happy…because 1) I under value the fun and experience that I participated in 2) I worry that fun would disappear so much that I wasn’t having fun anymore.
So for me, I had to re-educate myself to remember that what really matters is in the moment. try to treasure it and not worry so much about losing it.
The interesting thing is that I often thought of myself as living inside the Matrix…maybe this is a dream…and I may wake up saying hello to Neo next.
By the way, I actually thought the same about the possible ending. But monastery is not what you think it is. Your relatives still can visit you when you are in a monastery…and they won’t accept you if your reason to go there is to escape.
I know you are most likely referring monastery as a figure of speech..but sooner or later your close and loved ones will find out the truth. As someone with suicidal thoughts, I am fairly detail oriented and often place myself in other people’s shoes.. I have thought it all..pros and cons.. I would be fooling myself to think no loved one will realize I am gone. I guess that’s why I am still alive today.
…pardon for the lack of spelling/grammatical checks…
Hi Elfie. I think that there could be something in your brain chemistry that is causing you to have these feelings. People suffering with mental illness/depression have changes in their brain chemistry and hormones that are different from ‘average’ people. In your case, you are not suffering from depression, but you have suicidal feelings. Maybe you just need more purpose to your life? Are you in college or are working now? You could also try doing some volunteer work.
otherworldliness
I know what you mean… That happens from time to time.
I also like to force myself to be in a *bad mood* just so I could enjoy things more when I get out of that state… Also, it feels more “natural†to feel bad and have no expectations or anything… (might be because I want to have a reason/explanation for suicidal thoughts,
and that’s the only way it feels “normal†to have them)
it doesn’t last long though… In that state, *forcing myself* to feel a certain way just gets me laughing my ass out at anything.
The monastery thing… Well it’s just all about making the people accept the fact that they won’t see me again, without them actually knowing why.
As a person who really cares how my loved ones would feel, don’t really want them to ever find out that I’m dead. Thought about a lot of ways to disappear… Another country, saying I want to be one with nature and live on some kind of farm with no technology and not telling them where that might be… But the only reason why I’m still here is because I haven’t found the right way to leave them yet… No way in hell I could do something like that while imagining their sad faces before me…
But I do feel I’m going to do that eventually… And I kinda hate myself for wanting it, but just can’t stop those thoughts!
Dave_N
I’m in college. Truth is, it’s not going too well, but it’s not like it’s the end of the world if I have to repeat a year… So that can’t be the reason.
Tried to do things I love, hobby’s, but non of it really get’s my mind of suicide.
Is there some kind of medical test or something that could at least explain all of this? Not knowing *why* is the most confusing thing here.
Hi Elfie. I know this was posted a while ago, I hope you are feeling better. Unfortunately I cannot provide you very much advice because I am suffering from a very similar problem. I have a good life, am fairly happy, and think about suicide every single day, almost constantly. I’m 22 and I first considered suicide when I was about 8. One thing I would suggest if you haven’t already is to see a therapist. It hasn’t been the cure that I had hoped for, but at least it has helped me to stay alive. There should be some kind of help available at your college. I have been put in the mental hospital by my university’s therapist, but I can tell you it took an awful lot for him to do it, so while it is a possibility, please don’t let that discourage you from going. I guess my point is that I want you to know you aren’t the only one that feels this way. I feel really awful for feeling this way, like I’m selfish and ungrateful, but I try to remember that I did not choose to feel this way and neither did you. Best of luck!