-I couldn’t just leave without saying the truth.

*if you want personal comments, skip to the end, if you want me to write one and I didn’t here, let me know, I’ll get around to seeing it be done at least sometime in the future.

I couldn’t. I could not leave without you all knowing what happened. I don’t want to leave here, it was a strange way to cope, but it helped me. A lot. I’ll write as many personal comments soon for as many users I can think of, (properly this time). I need to tell the truth of why I’m leaving. I’m aware this may get taken down, but I don’t care, lies will always come to haunt you, and in this case, they won’t be haunting me.

For Amy: I love you so very much. I would go on, but I hope you know how much you mean to me, and I can never forget you. I’ll always be here one way or another, I’ll be on this site a long time, the only thing that’ll change is my username/s. I’m waiting for the chance we’ll have to be together, because I know that in the end, everything will be fine, and it’ll be you and me.

And well, now we get to the main event. After I presumed Amy dead at 5:09am on January 7th, I couldn’t help but cry. I hated myself too. I felt so numb after her death, I couldn’t cry at all, which taught me my emptiness will be there even in the times I should be my saddest. I felt sad. I just couldn’t cry. I don’t know why, disbelief, whatever, it just hurt inside, and it felt all too real. I cried for hours on end. I felt so sad. I will always remember that day as I thought I lost you. And then, I got another email from you. But it wasnt from you. It was your mother. She told me never to speak to you again, she told me I had to forget about you. Well, I’ll never forget her; you can silence me, bind me, and report me to whoever you want, but you can never, ever say that. I cared for her more than anything in the world, and for you to suggest I had a sick desire of wanting her dead tore me apart. It really did. To be told that when the opposite couldn’t be more true, that killed me. And it still does. I told your daughter to ‘save me a seat in heaven’ because she had already taken the pills, I thought she was going to get the death she already wanted before she met me. I wanted her to go to heaven, I would’ve died if she wouldn’t have been happy, then we could both bring each other happiness. That’s all we both wanted, and me and her wanted that for her sake. I told her to get you, her parents, but she said no. I tried to make her final moments comfortable and happy. I tried so much. I hope the police turned back to you, and said you have no case against me, because you really don’t. I did not make her die, she stayed days longer because of me, she said so herself.

So, SP, that’s why I have to leave. I hope Amy’s mum does read this, and I hope she comments, because I know I have the SP community on my side because they know I would never want Amy’s death. Why doesn’t she ask Amy? Amy knew I didn’t, I couldn’t argue with her, I just wanted to be happy because I cared for her more than myself.

Time for personal comments (I will reply if you comment and if I can reply):

@Subtle_Bloodstains I doubt you’ll ever read this, I really enjoyed your poems about a year ago, they really allowed me to enjoy something, they were beautiful, but I never spoke to you. I would’ve found them inspiring if I hadn’t of begun writing myself at that time. They were so good.

@Rocketman Your weird hot-tub humour was well-needed sometimes, it brought a smile to my face. I appreciate how much you try and help, and how much you try to do for others. 🙂 I guess the ruffian in me enjoyed your ghastly American humour, even if it was at the expense of my British stereotype, jolly good, old bean! Now, guide me to the scrumptious crumpets I hear you serve! And bring Arnold!

@Amakua2309 You were one persistent Canadian!! You tried to make me happy, or at least, think happier and I appreciate that a lot. I hope you never stop thinking about me in the shower. 😉 (yes, I went there!) I’ll miss our random conversations on posts that were days old. Haha.

@Scar504 I mentioned you on my last one, but your help and advice were really appreciated, not just by me, but I’m sure the whole community too.

@Sunflower We spoke a little, and it was more than a pleasure knowing the little of you I did know. (Yay! 17! Yes, I still remember!) I hope you end up happy, because you seem to be a lovely person.

@s2419 I enjoyed talking to you (and rocketman!) and being a part of our weird, but fun, conversations. I always wanted to talk to you more, but never really had much of a chance. I know things aren’t going the best for you, but I hope you have a better future, I’m sorry for all that’s happened to you. I hope it improves, and I hope you still have that quirkiness of coming here drunk!

@Abselom I mentioned you in the last ‘goodbye’ I made but we seemed to have a lot in common. If that means that I know some of the pain you’re in, then I’m sorry, I hope you get much better because you seemed a nice person to talk to.

@Forlorn I remember that we had a little in common, and I remember reading that you found cutting as an outlet. I hope your life improves for you.

@RogueLonesome thanks, I only spoke to you a couple of times (and only recently), but you seem like a really nice person inside. Caring and thoughtful. Thanks! I’m happy that someone cared about my pain, and I did read your comment on my last ‘goodbye’.

@Everyone I hope you all become happy. I really do. There is little more that will mean much to me, and I hope something, even if it’s small, brightens up your day. If I spoke to you a bit and I didn’t reference you here, then let me know below and I’ll get around to it next time I’m on.

This isn’t the end of me here. It only is the end for now. I need a break. I won’t post and I’ll come back irregularly with a different name. Perhaps someone will recognise me, I don’t know. I love y’all and I don’t want this to be a goodbye, but I guess it is. I will be around for comments as I think I’m in a better position for it, but I may not reply for a few days depending on what happens. I hope I am being tracked by Amy’s mum, because then she’ll be tracing a proxy, and have fun arresting that for no reason like you would with me. I hope you’re happy. I have a whole community here who will side with me, and I hope Amy knows my love for her, even if I cannot express it. And again, everyone, goodbye, even if I never spoke to you, I hope you end up happy in the end, but the last time I wanted that for someone, I was threatened with arrest, so yeah. Whatever. Cheerio!! (At least until I get another account and irregularly come on, and I hope, Amy, that I see you again soon, one way or another <3 xxx)

-VacatedHappiness 🙂