I have my plan in place, I’ve always tried by pills with no success.  Wed I plan to go in front of a train. I have a meeting and after the meeting it should be dark enough I can do so without being seen until it’s too late.  Right now there is no fear but I am sure when it comes I will feel scared. At least I will feal something. At least I can put all these suicidal thoughts to rest.  I plan on burning all my print journals and closing all my social accounts wed morning. I don’t know if I want to leave any note or not. I probably will at least for my children so they know that I love them and that I am sorry I can’t be the mom they deserve.   I know you now think I am being selfish, but even though I am here I am not here for my children and all I have done is push them away. They have a wonderful father who has and can be parent enough for both of us.
I have fought the feelings and tried to survive for so long but now I just feel weak and tired.
5 comments
Jaime, I cant imagine how horrible the thoughts and pain must be. But your children love you, they will be devastated. You are very strong even if you dont feel strong, please dont do it.
Well, ultimately the decision to commit suicide is yours’, but what will happen to your children? Also, how do you know that you’re not the mom they deserve. Maybe it’s because I am young, and I love my mom too much to let her go, but the kind of love your children have for you is unconditional! Don’t trick yourself into thinking it isn’t! So, come Wednesday, even if you do decide to go through with this, maybe you could hug your children at least a little bit tighter, and tell them that you love them.
I don’t think people should jump in front of vehicles. It gets some random driver involved, and puts passengers in danger too. Why ruin other people’s lives too?
I have tried other methods with a train I have a 90% success rate. It will be a freight train. I have thought about how it affects the driver, but right now is the only option I can handle.
Well I gave it a try, I overdosed on Adderall, and then was parked waiting for a train. I had a note on my dash. A cop pulled up and put a stop to it and got me an ambulance. I was in the hospital from Jan 16th- September 6th. Most of that time I was in a State Hospital. I was miserable, but at least I realized that I am worthy of all the blessings I have. I still struggle but have learned to ask for help. I never want to end up in a state hospital again!