Is it bad.. that i still fight for control.. after getting stiches twice from cutting “to deep” the first time i hit my tenton, about a year ago.. i couldnt even move my left hand .. i didnt say anything for 3 weeks.. and the cut was still open.. i was in an intesive outpaitent center and finally they convinced me to tell my dad shall the doctor and they kinda i guess glued/burned it shut.. worse exspirence ever. Not stiches but you get the point..
The second time was about a month ago.. with the box of razors my x gave me i sliced at my right arm.. my left hand shaky.. i slipped.. i told the nurse at school. Stiches.
Now as i hold the razor in my hand and slice at my hip, i try to only do short shallow cuts. But their deep. If i use my fingers to full the skin they gape wide open.. but i promise myself no matter what.. im in control.. cutting.. is the only thing.. i’ve EVER had control of. And that day when i cut to deep.. i lost it.. the one thing.. i .. the only.. thing i ever had control of in my life. I sit in my bathroom, blood trickling from my hip. I wipe it.. cut right over the old cuts. I havent give my self much room to work with.
I’m in sports medicine. I wear a uniform and my sport season is coming up. I wear shorts and a short sleeved shirt. No room for cut there. I get dressed in a locker room full of other girls. You could say cut your stomach.. no they’ll see that.. as soon as i remove my shirt. I need my control.. i need this .. to be able to go to school.. smile.. to just be able to say “im okay” *smile*
None of your probally get it.. its sad though.. most of my supplies .. bandages, gauze, oitment.. all comes from this place.. as much as i love helping other people i help myself to the supplies.. for my own obsession. I stole a scapel from them. 6mm scapel.. whey the have it.. dont know.. they had bout 20 in a box.. they wont miss one.. would they?
I sit here crying.. over how worthless i am. They boy i loved.. only wanted me for sex.
My parents and i cant stop fighting.. i refuse to take my meds.. so my mood races .. they dont understand its not me.. im not the one who yells… who freaks out.. its not me.. i dont.. its someone else..
but they never understand.. that this isnt the real me.. that all this shit from my past the meds everything is turning me into a monstor that im not.
I try to stay calm.. havent slept in two days.. went downstairs did most of my chores and then i asked my mom hey can we dye my hair today?
She said no.. cause i always post pone things never does what she asks.. its always a fight.. and i just broke. Everything i’ve been holding in since the last time i cut ( 2 days ago when i found out the boy i love only wants me for sex) just let loose. i kept telling myself you can cut after you dye your hair.. so you can be able to get undressed infront of your mom and have her help you wash your hair in the shower.
I did lay on the bathroom floor a bit before i cut.. i just lay their silenty crying trying not to sob.. i didnt want my mom to hear me.. i dont need her.. i dont need anyone to save me.
I pulled the razor out of my wax case ( from when i had braces) and i slowly pierced my skin digging it slowly and deep but short. Not daring to make to deep a cut. Not again.. i want control.. i want control.
None of you probally understand this. Why wouldnt you wanna cut deep. I do naturally but when i get so wound up in my emotions i just slice. I dont take time to feel the pain of each cut. To watch the blood beed up and pour from the cut. By the time i relise it.. my hands are covered with blood the floor splattered with blood and i sit their bleeding.. taking it in.. i.. lost it.. my contorl.. yet again.
I want control.. thats all i want..
I just wanna know how not to be scared about cutting to deep..
I want my control back.. if i dont .. get it soon.. i’m .. i’m.. gonna end it..
all of this pointless shit..
all of it..
btw who ever blueberrySman is do not go editing my post or taking things i say out of it.
Thats why i made this to exspress myself.. not to have someone change how i feel to fit their needs
21 comments
BrooklynBoxx,
i don’t like any of this!!! the pictures!!! the talk!!! but don’t get mad at me am i suppost too! like it? i don’t want you to cut i wish you had a different problem,sorry oh and by the way those pictures are terrible!!! you little devil!! and yes i feel bad for you! i wish i knew what to say.
Rocketman,
dont feel bad.. you didnt cause me this pain..
you never pushed this on me .. its not your fault.
i wish i had a diffrent problem to.. i was 7 the first time i cut..
it was so stupid.. i didnt know what i was doing..
I was at daycare and i got in a fight with the teacher.
She yelled when i went to walk out of the class room she grapped my hand agaist the door and yanked it off.
It hurt but their was no proof. So i decieded i would show the pain.. i went into the bathroom with a pair of scissors and mad cuts on my palm to make it look like she did that to me.
Wierdly i felt better after doing it.. i was mad anymore.. i didnt understand..
then as i grew older i heard about it “emo” they would call it..
and i tried it again in 6th grade..
and i havent been able to put the blade down since.
Hey
It is not the only thing you have control over. Dont think that. Think that you haven’t found your control yet. Or maybe you have control over something really simple.
And that box if yours. Throw half away. Just half. And scapel. You dont need that. And when you have wounds and cuts you must put some desinfecting stuff to them. And tend them correctly. You dont want to have any infection that would in ultimate case take your arm away.
And dont fall in love. You dont need anyone hurting you. And they will. You’re so young and beautiful.
And this sounds weird but it’s good that you’re fighting with your parents. It means that in some level they care. I mean I cut but if I were mother and my daughter cut I think I would be very mad. Because I didn’t want that to her. Same time, I don’t know how to explain myself very well. And hey. If you make it still for four years. You can live alone or change school, city whatever.
I understand you. We dont want to cut deep because we have survival stupid instinct somewhere in there. I mean dolphins can stop breathing if they want to so why can’t we make one cut. But maybe its how it is. I dont know 🙁
And Brooklyn,
I think you sort of matured early. I mean sometimes we learn things when we get in situations like that. I mean daycare teacher, well of course children can be annoying sometimes but if that made you hurt yourself. I dont know. I think that teacher is more clever now.
Anyways,
if you started early, maybe you can give it up now. People fall all the time. But we get up too. And in progress little by little we learn how to walk and run and be. I think you’re much stronger person than many our there. You want to have control. Many dont.
Staph,
we dont even fight about the cutting.. we fight over the fact i didnt do all the dishes correctly, i put one fork on the wrong side of the damn washer. AND THE WHOLE FUCKING THING WONT GET CLEANED. So they’ll pull out everything and have me do it again.
Cause of a fork.
They just tell me to stop cutting if i do. They send me to the hospital let them figure out what to do. I try to talk about it but they cut me of. I draw and make videos. To help cope i show them to them, my dad sits their mostly staring off into space as i try to exsplain. My mom says shes to busy.
Funny right they say their care.. they probally do but i honestly think they gave up.. like they know…
They.
Cant.
Help.
Me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KH0xxe3Kra0
wow! what a story! i hate myself sometimes but i will never grab a blade! i will always remmember this story,14 years old and doing this to yourself!! WFT! i don’t know if you need to be told off or spanked!!!!! your so…………. young. i’m wishing and i hope some how you will stop it!! don’t let the bad things that happened in your life your kick your ass not at 14 please you have a good life ahead of you if you work at it!! you can’t make the scars from the past disapear hell i have a few of those too but you can stop adding new ones??? being self destructive at 14!!! good lord give yourself a chance!! wait till your an old asshole like me!!!! and i still have plenty of time to hurt myself! lol
<3 you little shit!
Rocketman,
not honestly sure if your trying to be supportive or not..
ive been told off and spanked, hit, thrown to the ground. Screamed at, i try to quit. I tell myself 1 more minute.. 1 more day.. but no matter how hard i try..
it always ends the same
Hey if it helps my mother is exactly the same. If I didn’t do something her way, I wasn’t any good. Small things if I left my jeans for too long in couch and so. And when I did everything correct, I think she just waited for me to fail again. If I brought home B, she wasn’t happy because I was supposed to get A. Also when making salad. If everything wasn’t same sized or if I failed making something, she would stay silent for weeks.
And so. Well I’m a bit twisted and probably not mentally healthy and happy person but I’m still here for now.
Only person who can help you is you! You just have to want it enough. No one us going to pull you our. We can try and give you stick but you have to grab the stick or the rope for help. For better.
I think you have a nice hobby! Making videos. Now make something with happy song, like Disney song. You must have a favorite Disney song? Or Mickleback or something. And then put to that video all the things you like. Like foods, countries, subjects, colors, animals and all.
And hey Brooklyn,
Rocketman is right somewhere. So you have fell. But you have get up too. Or at least you’re still crawling or walking on four if not still up. Get up now. You’ll have plenty of time to suffer later too. I mean when you’re old and wrinkly and are 90 years old minimum because then you won’t be so beautiful like now 🙂
And I have perfect song for that video. Pink-Try. Just heard it.
Brooklynbox: if it’s control you want, try something else. I control food. You shouldn’t do that tho. Try controlling, hmmm I don’t know. Just something…
Rocketman: how are you feeling today ?
went down stairs to help my mom, she blew up saying i never help. I leave her and dad to do everything while i dissapear in my room only coming out for dinner.
i responded ” im dealing with something you just wouldnt understand right now”
her response ” your not the only one dealing with shit, you dont even know what its like actually feel pain”
being raped nope didnt feel the pain there.
picking up a razor and pressing it to my skin day after day. All for attention.
crying myself to sleep. Cause its fun.
thinking about ways to die. Cause thats what kids do these days.
She doesnt get it.
She things i should be over all the things that happened.
She was in a serious car wreck a long time ago. Only surviovor in a coma for weeks. She said she battled depression and tried to kill her self.
But now shes over it and “happy” shes still brings it up EVERY FUCKING DAY. we cant go past 20 miles per hour in a car with out he freaking out.
and being scared to go outside alone, being afraid of the dark, battling depressiong, cutting, and all of my feelings from being raped is something i should just be able to “forget” and move on already.
I dont think she fucking get it.
I hate it when she stays home on fridays.
Already cut once today. Almost bout went for a second round.
I wanna die, or run away.
I wanna scream go away to a hosptial.. just to deal with all of this.. to be able to actually get over it.
But no one gets that.. if we pretend it never happened, it never happened.
Maybe instead of cutting you could find something else to do to express how you feel. Like pinching or something.
And you can take control again, just put your mind to it but don’t end it. Only God ends it when He is ready he will end it.
Hey. I’m sorry to hear that all. Looks like your mother is not at all over it. I think you should talk to her. I’m not sure about this, because people are so different. All mothers are so different but maybe if you talked with her about the cuts and rape. Or is it possible for you to go to find someone to talk?
Where would you run away? I dont want you to do anything stupid but if you have money and somewhere to go to, maybe you should try it. Or in another case maybe you’d try doing extra extra house chores 😮 I dont know.
I think for you there are still many options other than death. You dont want to die.
BrooklynBoxx,
ofcourse i’m trying to be supportive, remmember i only know what i read and i’ve never had childern,i’ve never been a dad,i read your stuff and i want to help,but i’m not good at it,maybe by the time you turn into and old bag i’ll be better? jk sorry
I sent this to my dad yesterday via facebook.. since my counsuler told me ineeded to talk to him..
I don’t know how to say this to you.. but I know nothing will ever change until we talk. I want to die again.. I don’t have a plan, I don’t plan on attempting but honestly.. I don’t want to live anymore. I feel like I’m fighting a battle all by myself, ( that was a lie i have a plan but if i tell him he will send me back to the hospital ) and no this isn’t something you can help me with. I just want you and mom to praise me more, to tell you how proud you are of me instead of pointing out all my fuck ups and flaws. I know I’m not perfect, and I know you don’t expect me to be, but it hurts when you don’t even see I’m trying. I’m trying to fight with everything I got I can’t sleep the nightmares are terrible. I shake whenever I try.
I’ve been looking at Nicks (my brother) profile on Facebook, did you know.. He graduated from high school already? He’s also and amazing singer, he can play guitar to. He’s not mad at Taylor ( brother who raped me) either rather they get along quiet well. While I sit here alone missing my brother and the only boy I ever truly loved who only wanted me for sex. I don’t think Nicks having a hard time with what happened; honestly I think he doesn’t believe me at all. That’s why he refuses to talk to me. In the end I’m still the one being fucked over by this case.. and I was the victim. NOT Taylor, yet he gets everything I ever wanted.
No I do not want to speak of this in person, it’s too hard and I always fuck up what I want to say, I can’t express my feelings in a way you can understand and when you talk you just make me more confused, changing the topic from what I wanted to talk about. It’s hard honestly to talk to you anymore without us fighting, I try hard to keep my cool, but it’s like theirs someone inside me who’s not me, no matter how much I scream to bite my tongue, I always say things I don’t mean.
I’ve never had this problem before and I blame the medicine not the fact I’m on it because we both know I’m not but the fact that I’m off it since I was on it. I don’t even know who I am and I’m so numb to any happiness, all I feel is pain anymore, I can’t stand it. I try to think of something else but it always comes back to my sadness, I know I lock myself in my room it’s just I want to ignore the pain, and being near you and mom just brings it back.
I hate who I’ve become; I’ve turned into such an ugly person. I’m sorry for not being able to get ahold of myself , I’m just so tired of pretending to be happy for everyone else’s sake. It’s already hard enough waking up in the morning just to take a shower let alone putting on another fake façade.
Please do not talk to me about this in person; I just don’t want to think about it. I just wanted to tell you how I feel, how I’m doing so you’ll stop worrying. Sorry if this didn’t help it’s the best I can offer at the moment.
Hey,
I’m glad you sent your dad that message. I’m proud of you that you expressed yourself and was brave to write that all and send it to him. Has he responded yet?
no we have an agreement, i will tell him how i feel.. i dont wanna a response but we did start me on my meds agian, my parets have said my mood has imporved but its still shakey. I havent cut though which is an imporovment and im littered my left arm with butterflies.
Brooklynboxx
Well that’s good to hear. I hope you think you have improved too. Im happy about butterflies. Its so beautiful when people have butterflies on their arms. I think. Because butterflies are so beautiful and tiny and so very fragile. Its better than cutting. And butterflies have more colors than just red. You know they sell these tattoos that are washable, you should buy many butterflies.
ive been talking to my dad about getting a tattoo on my wrist that says love and then has a butterfly under it, he says maybe when im 16-18 though.
Tattoos are nice! But you should think more about it, I mean it’s something permanent. You have clever dad.