I’m Not Really Better…

Being completely alone…it sucks. All of my friends have pretty much stopped talking to me, and they never want to spend time with me. In that time, i tried to get closer to my family…but they would rather watch tv than talk to me. I turn 18 next month, and i’m pushing myself to go on, see if anything gets better after i move out and start college. But i doubt things will change. I keep asking myself “What’s wrong with me?”. I’m pushing myself to keep going because i don’t want to be just another teen suicide story. There’s been too many of those. I have to fight the urges to cut myself all of the time. I was a cutter for 3 years and i quit about a year ago. The urges never went away. My family, and the few friends i have left think that i’m “all better”. Yeah, sometimes i put on that happy act, but most days, i don’t. I attempted suicide about a year ago, and have had to work hard to gain trust back. But now they’ve all lost concern. Even when i don’t pretend to be happy, they don’t see just how bad it is. If i were to tell them, though, then my parents would send me back to the mental hospital i had to spend a week at after my attempt. I think if i started cutting again, i would get better, but my parentd still watch me for signs of that. My mom says how much she wants me to be able to come to her any time i’m upset, because now that i’m almost an adult, it wouldn’t be only as mother and daughter, but as friends too. But when i actually do try to talk to her, she always says she would rather watch tv or play with her cat or talk on the phone with my older sister. And then she wonders why i feel so alone that i want to cut. She wonders why, a year ago, i didn’t talk to her instead of trying to end my own life. But i did try to talk to her, and she yelled at me for “making things up.”. Yes, she thought i was lying about being suicidal. And now, i’m getting suicidal again, and i want to cut. My blades used to be my best friends. Those blades got me through so much. And then, plans to end my life, seeing the end getting near, it helped. But i’m scared to try again…not scared to die, but scared to fail. A failed suicide makes life 100x worse than it was before. I’m scared that if i do succeed, people will judge who i was, thinking i killed myself for attention, that i would be considered pathetic. Me becoming anorexic is nothing at this point. And i know this post is long. If you actually read this far, thank you. I just needed to get this all out, because there’s no one in my life i could tell any of this to. I don’t want them to know anyways, because the few people who care are so happy about how much “better” i am. And i don’t want to ruin that illusion for them. It would be wrong of me to do that to them.