It’s been awhile since I’m here. and I find myself coming here more and more often. Because nothing else interests me anymore. I can’t think about anything else. I think death just avoids me. I mean, every single day I hear about people getting in accidents or falling ill and dying. And every day, it’s not me. I ask myself why, and I can answer this question, weirdly though. BECAUSE NOBODY IN THE WORLD LEADS SUCH AN EMPTY LIFE AS MINE. People do something, go somewhere, engage themselves, and they get things happening. I don’t. I am too afraid to do something. I am afraid to go out to a store, or even for a smoke, I have paranoia. I see death everywhere, in every movie I watch, every song I listen to… I’m falling into hysterics. I want to kick everything that gets in my way, chairs, tables, break mirrors, ruin everything… But I can’t. I know I can’t. So I keep it all inside. It’s tearing me apart. I can’t sleep. Thoughts attack my mind each time I try to go to sleep. I just can’t stop thinking. I try to cry it all out, but next morning it reappears with double force. I try to put it on paper, but I’ll hardly ever be able to express how I feel if I can’t get my thoughts together. It is so hard to wait when you’re so alone. I am so fucking alone. I have nobody to talk to, they are all too deep in their own issues they have no time for me.
I am now on a very strict diet just to save up money for the gun. I know how pathetic it sounds. But I can’t do anything about it. I keep every last cent I get in anticipation of the day that will solve all my problems. But however, even with all the money saved, I’ll still have to work for some time in the summer. The most devastating in all this is I can’t buy candy, and it’s kind of my drug. The withdrawal is horrible, intolerable. For those who cut it may feel like wanting to cut and not finding anything sharp around. It only remains to bite yourself. That is how I feel. I can’t even imagine what it will be like when college starts. I’m longing to feel for at least a split second the way I was before, when my dream was alive, to feel like I could still have everything I want, be happy, etc. But it’s impossible. They killed my dream, they were killing it for 2 fucking months, I can’t bring it back.
I just don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone when I don’t have the gun. I was thinking about hiring someone to kill me, but I can’t get in touch with people ready to do it. And the price would be also too heavy for me, so yes this gun is my only hope.
If anyone out there can relate to me, please contact me at holly_riggs@rocketmail.com. I just want company. Just somebody who would wish me a good morning or good night. I have no friends, never had. People can’t understand me. I feel shunned and despised, for nothing. Then maybe somebody on here would understand. No matter who you are, you will make a difference. Even if you only say Hi.
6 comments
Believe me, I know how emptiness can gnaw away at your soul. I know exactly what it feels like to feel hopeless and to feel like all your dreams are lost. I have no life at all. I talk to a total of about three people and I haven’t had sex in almost eight years. I don’t even have a phone or internet at home and have no way of reaching out to anyone even if I wanted to. The only reason I’m even on here now is because I’m house-sitting while my only two friends ran off to vegas for a week. I go days and sometimes weeks without even speaking to another living soul. Just know that there are other people out here that can understand your pain. I’ve been wrestling depression and suicidal thoughts for over twenty years now. My demons are just as strong as ever, but I’m still here to talk about them. I feel like killing myself everyday, but even at my worst moments I still get by. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better, and one more day couldn’t make things hurt any worse. One more day. One more week. One more month. One more year. You just have to take things one day at a time and try not to dwell in the dark places in your mind for very long. Death is inevitable one way or another. It’s coming for all of us sooner or later. But what if by making it sooner rather than later you end up missing out on something that could have changed everything. I know it’s hard to live with such dispair, and I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I just put up a post abou feeling dead inside, so believe me, I get it. I hope you find a way to capture the happiness that so often eludes us.
i emailed you 🙂
Well I’m here to say hi and I know what it’s like to be shunned, for I also have shunned people myself. Tit for tat, as wrong as it may be.
to wrpj7569,
the problem is I can´t escape myself, already. If there was at least one person I could live for and they’d also live for me, then I’d live. But there’s none. Who would choose to deal with such messed up good-for-nothing? And everyday I live on, something bad happens. Or nothing happens. Or again something bad. I’m trapped in this circle, I can’t escape.
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