Life burns

Nothing is comfy to me, everything burns me. Thinking about past friends makes my heart break and thinking of all that could have been, makes me burn inside. I have the problem with no solution. The withdrawls are making the seconds which usually feel like minutes feel like hours. Waiting for nothing constantly. Still cant accept that I have to kill myself even though I know it. Maybe the doctor was right, the symptoms of feeling sick everyday are somatic, either way I feel it so real or not, its real. I feel fadingly disconnected from my own mind, I feel like I need to scream for help but there is nobody to ask. Ive been away in my head too long, I have to recreate myself completely and I can’t do it. People just dont see that im not ok at all and its not a mood. I still don’t feel that I can ever communicate what I need to. Spent many hours with a blade to my throat begging for my life back to nothing that responded . I don’t see how suicide can be wrong since there is no other option i see. I think about all of the good times I have had before and the friends ive had, and I want nothing more than to hold onto life and live it. I had the plan to shoot myself but my friend had a plane trip to visit for 20 days and being my best friend I figured I should spend that with him before I kill myself. I started buying as much weed as possible while he was here to make it bearable and to make myself some fun to be around. I figured out it was laced after a few days when I started waking up every morning at 7am shaking and trying not to vomit, Still kept buying the weed and now im trying to quit after being stoned for 20 days nonstop, the complete rockbottom low feeling is insane. I truly want recover my life but I am completely lost, I have nothing. I want to ask for help but I dont know what that means or who to ask. Its all hitting me at once, the mistakes ive made, all the good times that I miss, the friends that I used to have.