My Story.

Hey everybody, I’m new here…..kind of.  Anyways I felt like I wanted to share my story, but I have no idea where to start or how to start. So I’m just going to ramble on and on until I feel like it should end.

I guess I was always suicidal.  I’ve always thought of suicide as a little girl and its almost an obsession now.  I remember trying to commit suicide when I was six or seven, but not strong enough to push the steak knife into the skin of my neck.  Such a weak little girl I was.  Anyways about two years ago is when my depression really started.

I don’t know when it really started, I was always sad. I had no reason to though. I have two parents who love each other very much, I have a decent house and a little brother and very supportive family.  I used to be a girly-girl. It was my life. I was decked out in pink and frilly skirts and my goal in life was to get a boyfriend.  I was a shallow *****.  That was around two or three years ago.  I was constantly sad like that, but I had a drive to get better.  I was often shut out by my “friends”, but I made it my goal for them to like me.  I convinced myself I wasn’t who I was, I told myself I was better.  I was a skinnier than life 7th grade girl who could somehow manage to eat more food than anyone could give me.  Then came softball season.

I was never good at sports, but my life long friend Maria finally convinced me to register for the town’s softball team.  Now since I had just started with softball I was just plain horrible at it.  There Maria & I met Olivia.  We became the three musketeers and I began my transformation into a tomboy & anime nerd in one.  They introduced me into Anime, which I quickly fell in love with.  It became my life.  I hadn’t realized my depression yet, but now that I look back I know it was there, looming over me like a huge storm cloud.

Olivia was always the quiet girl on my bus who never talked to anyone when she moved to my school in her 5th grade, my 6th grade year.  We had cohabitated and tolerated each other for a year before we actually got to know each other through softball.  Right now I was still the shallow little girl who Olivia had, well, strongly disliked although she didn’t tell me until we were very good friends. Now here’s the thing nobody knew about Olivia.  My best friend, my sister, was depressed.  With her father in Pennsylvania with all her half siblings and a single mom who only seemed to nag at her and the jerks in her grade who told her to commit suicide she began to cut.  I was at first very alarmed.  I wanted to tell her, no, yell at her to stop.  That it was wrong.  Oh how wrong I was.  Now this was a few months after softball & she was in sixth grade still & I was still in 7th grade, the years we started softball.  The more I thought about it, the more the idea of cutting became enticing to me. I imagined it, fantasized about it.  But before this I had pertended to be ok with Olivia’s cutting as Maria was ok with it and revealed that she was cutting too.

Soon summer came and passed and my 8th grade year came.  Olivia & I now shared a lunch period & Jordan came into our little group.  Well it was more of I joining Olivia & Jordan’s little group.  Maria was now in 6th grade and Jordan was in Olivia’s grade.  Jordan had tried suicide several times, each one unsuccessful as she is alive today.  The came the day Olivia and I openly cut in school during our lunch.  I had never cut before this & we were cutting with the school’s plastic butter knives (don’t ask me why) and well the following monday we were both called into guidance.  It was around 2 weeks from Christmas by now and I was deep into my depression.  I had fantasized my death several times & had even started writing dark and suicidal poetry to help the pain.  I had even fantasized my funeral.  The guidance person, or whatever they’re called, Miss, oh god I forgot her name, but anyways we were good friends from when I still hung out with my old “friends” that I had recently ditched.  With those “friends” I was in the guidance office every other week with the newest drama. I am forever thankful I ditched them.  Well anyways I lied straight to her face.  I acted like the happy, silly teenage girl everybody thought I was.  I rambled on about my new dog & nearly every happy subject of life.  Meanwhile Olivia spilled her guts to the guidance person and told her things that she hadn’t even told me.  I was a little offended that she wouldn’t tell me, but I decided not to pry & we moved past that.

Life had gone on since then and I had been cutting ever since.  Several times I tried to stop.  Several times I failed.  I started to recognize my parents favoritsm for my brother, something I should have realized earlier.  I got mad at myself.  I had almost every reason not to be suicidal, but then I found myself wrong yet again.  In 6th grade, I was shoved by my mother on my throte, choking me.  I have been hit before.  The occasional slaps that may have ended up in a bloody nose if I had angered my parents so much to.  This hasn’t happened in years though.  They have threatened it again, but it has never gotten that bad as to be taken away from my home.  We have been a simewhat happy family since then, dysfunctional, but happy or so my parents thought I was.

I have always been one of those weird girls in school.  I was called a spaz when I was little, I was bullied, but not too much.  I had my good friends but then we had drifted apart.  The only one who has been my friend since elementary school is Maria.  Now in the summer after 8th grade I was cutting badly.  I cut my shoulder deeply with a pocketknife and figured out smart ways to hide it, but then it was also bathing suit season & I had no choice but to go on my families boating trips.  I had tried to cover it up with band aids and fake tatoos, but my dad found out.  He threatened to take me to a doctor.  It wasn’t the first time he threatened that.  We had often got into screaming matches where he threatened to take me to a doctor for my anger issues.  He threatened to take me to a doctor for my overall weirdness.

The summer was eventful and several, several times I have convinced myself I am happy, only to fall down deeper, never to hit rock bottom.  I don’t know if I will hit rock bottom, but I keep getting lower.  I think I may be bipolar.  I have my happyness & my sadness & every other emotion all in different times and all too real but too fake when they end.  School has started up again & now I am a 9th grader.  I have only worsened.  Whenever I leave my friends I feel the smile fall from my face & the looming cloud over my head.  I feel the weight in my chest that clenches around me when my mind drifts in that direction.  I began cutting again, although I haven’t cut since November.  Sometimes I feel numb.  I have recently gotten into fights with Maria.  We made up though, but I still feel horrible.  I don’t know why I’m depressed.  I can’t pinpoint any reason.  I just feel so weighed down.

I feel like I dramatize things while not meaning to.  My brother may be cruel to me sometimes, but so is life.  Everybody gets in bad fights with their friends right?  I don’t know why I’m typing this…do I want guidance? I don’t want anybody to tell me everything that’s wrong with me.  I don’t want another inspirational speech.  I know everything I don’t want and I don’t know what I want.  I just don’t know anymore.  I’ve contemplated suicide often and came pretty close to it.  I’ve done sooooo many things that I want to just hide from.  All the embarassing moments in my life! I hate them.  I hate myself.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  Sometimes I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  I never mentioned my struggling with my sexuality did I? Well in the pst year I figured out I was bi & possibly lesbian after trying to convince myself that I’m straight! I have so many indecisions in my life & I just want it all to go away!!!!!!!!!!!  I want life to be simple and happy again, like when I was 4 and not a care in the world. How do I get the back? How do I get back the innocence & ignorance of all things bad & sad?  What do I do? Why I am I asking so many questions? I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I’m going to go before I have a total breakdown and maybe actually publish this.