Need to write this out.

I suppose I should begin by saying that I’m not seriously considering suicide, and even if I were I don’t think I could go through with it. That being said, this seems like an appropriate place to share in a way that I’ve never even attempted to in real life.

Upon first talking to me, people generally assume that things go well for me and that I’m on some sort of path to success. I’m intelligent, educated, have a good sense of humor and have always had strong natural talent in music, which has been the focus of the last 8 years or so of my life. I say that simply because everything I used to love to do regarding music, be it playing the guitar, playing the piano, composing or simply listening to music as often as possible, simply doesn’t matter anymore. Ideally I would still love to find work composing for films and games, and deep down I’m confident in saying I couldn’t see myself being entirely happy doing anything else. In stark contrast to that, though, lies the fact that I haven’t done anything to achieve this in about a year and a half and I quickly give up on any attempt to get myself back into it, even when this involves working with professionals in the field.

That aside, I’m now 23 years old, unemployed and still living at home with absolutely no motivation to do anything. I’ve gained a ton of weight over the last couple years (used to work out daily) and lost interest in everything that may further my goals in some way, although I can readily recognize that I’m only hurting myself by refusing to get off my ass and do anything. I have no money to my name, yet I’m still too stubborn to take a job that I don’t want to do; the number of these such jobs is surprisingly high when you consider how detrimental it is for me simply to be doing nothing. Although not a medical or mental health professional, I don’t see it being too much of a stretch to say that I’m depressed to a degree that has certainly caused my life to take a complete 180 both from where it has been and where I want it to be once more. I don’t go out socially, have no interest in pursuing a relationship and really can’t fathom what I’d like to do beyond “anything but this”.

I think I actually meant to write more than this but there’s really not much coming to mind. As I said initially I’m not actively considering suicide at all, I just needed to get this out there. I’ve hidden my feelings well for as long as I can remember, so even if nobody cares to respond to this at least I’ve released this in some way to a vessel that’s not myself.

Thanks for reading if anyone’s gotten this far.