So I thought I’d just make a PSA that trying to buy ******** doesn’t work. After about a month’s worth of correspondence with a seller, I’ve finally come to the conclusion that they’ve screwed me over. They were based in Cameroon (seems like a lot of these sellers are) but had people in the US selling bottles. First they had me wire $500 to someone who turned out to be “not at her post anymore”, then they had me send $1000 to someone in a different state which should have been the of the deal. Turns out their USPS guy “needs to be bribed and doesn’t do smaller orders. It’ll require $800 more to make it a bigger shipment because he’s risking his job”. I haven’t heard back from them in days and they were supposed to deliver today. Didn’t come, obviously.
As much as I hated sending money with no guarantees, I really don’t have any other options. I’ve been at this suicide thing for years and come up empty handed every time. Every now and then you’ll see sellers advertising on this site for ********/cyanide/whatever; don’t trust them. They will screw you over and take your money. They are the most morally bankrupt people on the planet who target the desperate and make their lives even harder. My condolences to everyone here whose lives are awful, I just wanted to save you the trouble, stress, and money. I truly envy those of you who still have access to firearms. You have no idea how much I wish I was you.
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You spent $2300…I’m confused as to why you didn’t buy a gun?
Actually, I’m not one to talk..the amount of money I’ve put into trying to kill myself might actually equal up to that amount, so nevermind. But, I appreciate you posting this on here, because I’ve actually researching buying some heavy benzos such as ********.
Legally banned due to numerous hospitalizations. I’ve definitely tried. I’ve offered $50,000 in cash all around the Internet and have yet to find anyone willing to sell me one. I don’t know any shady people either because I never got into drugs or parties in high school/college. I’ve tried to convince friends, family, pretty much everyone I know to buy one for me. Death by firearm was definitely my first choice, but I was locked up long before I was actually ready to commit suicide. It’s impossible now.
Edit: Oh god, I’ve spent way more than $2300 on this pursuit so far. This isn’t my first rodeo.
Hey man, I’m really appreciating your quick responses. I think you had a chance to read my post today, so thank you for reading it all. I’m able to get a gun, it’s just money that is the issue, I don’t really have that kind of money. I guess in a way I do because I wouldn’t really have to worry about paying anymore bills. But, I’m only 20 years old, working a part time job in the mall here and I just don’t think I could manage it, but I definitely would if I could. I’ve also tried an exit bag……that didn’t really work out. I guess the body has that instinct to rip the bag off if you’re asleep or awake. but, I was doped up on benadryll, ambien, alcohol…still managed to survive it. it’s like human beings are so incredibly resilient, but so incredibly fragile at the same time. I remember seeing that gun in my dads room a couple years back, and dammit, how I regret the day I didn’t pull the trigger. It’s every day, you know? Every day I wake up and every day I don’t want to. I know I’m young, but really…it’s what I want. It’s all I have ever wanted. I’ve tried to repair myself…therapy, pills, exercise, proper diet, No kidding. I’ve tried so very hard to fix the pain and stay motivated and move forward. But, it’s been this way for as long as I can remember, do you know what I mean? I wish I could say I could keep moving, I wish I could believe that it gets better. It’s not that I don’t know anymore. Because I do know. I do not want to be here.
Fuck my life, that was my next plan. I was going to combine all the things you just mentioned plus an exit bag. I’m not even joking, I was preparing to do that tonight. Well, at least you spared me from that; my stomach wouldn’t tolerate surviving what I had in mind. I was going to use some prescription muscle relaxants as well though. Sigh.
I actually hadn’t seen your post, I logged in on a whim because I was frustrated about the ******** deal falling through and figured I’d at least spare everyone the hit to their bank account.
I do understand though what you mean about it being all you want. I’ve been depressed and suicidal for 20 years. In all honesty though, I’d only count the last four as “suicidal”. I used suicidal ideation to self-sooth for most of my life, but I only started attempting in the last 4. I can have anything in this world I want and to be honest, I just want to die. Been medicated, hospitalized, and to at least 12 different therapists during my lifetime. I’m just tired and ready to go.
I think exercise helps a lot of people, but for clinically depressed folks it’s not the miracle cure people would like it to be. I have a personal trainer and work out 5 times a week; I was still going to off myself tonight. I get where you’re coming from and I believe you should have the right to choose whether you want to live or die.
I know what you mean about wishing you had used the firearm…I wish I had bought one before my first hospitalization. Biggest mistake of my life not to.
When I tried to kill myself a few nights, I had been drinking heavily. After a few drinks I took about 10 5MG Oxycodones. I would have taken more if more had been in the bottle, but that was it and I woke up the next morning, hand shaking with a tear in my eye wondering how the hell I was alive. So, yes, I have definitely given up the pill and alcohol route, I’m not entirely sure why I kept trying that way, I guess I just thought “Gee, can my liver REALLY take any more damage?!” To be honest, I’ve read a fair amount of the exit bag and helium being a pretty safe bet, but unless you have the proper tools to check the pressure of the tank, it’s hit or miss. Why is it so hard to just die..? Can I ask how you intend to kill yourself tonight? If you would rather not answer the question, that is quite alright.
Yeah I kinda gave up on helium as well. Some people on this site reported failure, though god only knows the technique they used. Maybe they just tried to wing it. In any case, I’ve been unable to find the proper hook ups and Exit International refused to sell me theirs.
It does seem unnecessarily difficult to die, but then again our bodies are relatively young and healthy. It’s like trying to kill off Superman. When you think he’s dead you find out the bastard has just been in a deep, restorative sleep.
As for tonight, I’m undecided. I definitely spent a good portion of the day preparing, but I’m a bit ambivalent about it at the moment. It’s not the death that bothers me, it’s the chance of survival. The only reason I’d use an exit bag + meds is because no other options exist for me. As I mentioned, my ******** deal just fell through.
Quite frankly I’ll skip on the details of what and how I was going to combine medications and other things because I don’t want to encourage other people to try things that have a high chance of failure. I believe in the right to die, but we have a lot of people younger than yourself here and they might try it, mess up their organs, and live much harder lives than they were previously. I’m all about ending suffering, not causing it to proliferate.
hey, i dont know about god, but i know theres a reason youre still alive. im here for you. i understand please dont give up on life imbrace it
Thanks Kenyetto, that’s nice of you to say but I grew up in a Christian community. I’d like to believe in something like that, but the book says some pretty outlandish things and advocates some pretty messed up stuff.
It’s not that I don’t want to believe in god, it’s just that I can’t. I can’t bring myself to intellectually accept something that claims a 600 year old man built a giant boat and that 2 of every animal on earth just hung out inside for 40 days. It’s kind of tough to swallow.
In any case, I realize your intentions are good, and I’m not upset. Thanks for reaching out. By the way, for some reason all your comments are being flagged for moderation, so if no one is responding to you, that’s why. I have no idea how this site picks out comments that do or don’t need to be approved, but you’re it’s new favorite target.
Balloon time
trust me i agree with you. i was brought up christian as well and i feel the same way. everything in the bible? could it allll happen? im confused. i want to believe it, but should, could can i? but some people need to believe in SOMETHING, right?
@changeling: eh, I have at least 3 of them sitting in my room. I also have ********. I haven’t been able to find the proper hook ups thus far, but even if I did the method doesn’t inspire a whole lot of confidence. The method was designed for frail, elderly people. I’ve yet to hear some solid reports of people who aren’t about to keel over anyways being successful with it. Not saying it *couldn’t* work, but even if I wanted to I don’t have the proper set up.
@Kenyetto: I think a lot of people need to believe in something and honestly, I don’t have a problem with that. The only bone I have to pick with religion is when they start stepping on other people’s rights and voting down things that should be inherent freedoms. They also seem to attack euthanasia groups regularly which harms society as a whole because death effects us all. Voting down a terminally ill person’s right to end their suffering 6 months away from kicking the bucket is asinine.
In any case, I know I was happier when I was a Christian, but then again everything is simpler when you have invisible deities telling you how to live your life. I was a better person for sure, but I think they should keep the morals while ditching the magic. Ultimately I believe in personal freedom, and religion seems to really hate that. Maybe it’s better if god doesn’t exist, the idea that billions of people are burning in hell doesn’t sit right with me.
Again, I think it’s fine for people to believe whatever they want, I just take issue when people are less free because of it.
Your posts made me laugh. I know you don’t care, but you seem like a genuinely good guy. I was imprisoned for the first time last year, when I made my last desperate effort in believing that if I just admitted that I needed honest help I could receive it. Instead, my confidence was finally leveled. Now my only gripe is with myself for not getting a gun before that time. I’m 23 now, and the only thing I’ve learned in that time is that there is no backstop to loss and suffering. Between the ******-parade and life itself, I am done. I mean that objectively, and without hesitation or ill-will. I really wish I could help you because I want what you want. Keeping your email handy.
Thanks Frozen, who doesn’t enjoy a compliment 🙂 That’s really how I see psych wards as well: imprisonment. I’ve been to one decent one where I had my own room/shower, and 5 other ones that might as well have been hallways leading straight into some shadow realm. I’ve been assaulted, had to live with people who urinate on the floor as they dress and undress, and listened to people who only speak in screams. Psych wards are awful.
I’ve experienced harsher suffering as well as time goes on. I don’t know if you feel this way, but for me the loss of freedom just makes me feel like the world is a giant cage. A huge component of my search for death is just to get the power back. I’d rather be free and dead than alive and in chains being asked to conform to a society whose behavior never seems to deviate from: pursue job, family, recreation, done! I want something more than that, I just haven’t seen any evidence suggesting something besides that exists. I don’t want to be a cog in society’s machine; I want to be my own machine.
In any case, there isn’t a single reason I ended up in this place in life; there are far too many to count and I don’t really want to simplify mine or anyone else’s problems.
I hear you on the fatigue, the search for death will emotionally tax anyone straight into lunacy. I hope you’re able to make that choice for yourself again at some point. Suicide is a deeply personal choice and I believe only the individual has the right to make it. There are limits to that of course, but overall that’s how I feel. I think for some people, the right to step onto the ledge is what they need to step back from it.
Great way to put it, and I fully agree and can relate. I don’t see the reasons that lead to suicide being as important as the violation of sovereignty by its antagonists of all forms. For me being in the psych ward was not in any way life-altering aside from crushing any hope I had that people generally want to change or help others do so. In fact it confirmed everything I believed about “the system” prior to being admitted. In the other patients all I saw was sadness and misery, or outright mental illness in people who were otherwise well-meaning. I met the descendant of King David and a woman who spoke in tongues specifically during the hours I wanted nothing else but to fall asleep. I saw the resistance to change in doctors and therapists, who didn’t seem to grasp the concept that a person owns the right to their own body and what they do with it.
It’s hard for me to say anything at all on the matter, partly because I lack creativity in general, but also because I’ve been silenced by my own philosophy. Strangely- or not so strangely enough, my attempt at life over the past 6 years or so can be characterized as trying to incorporate myself back into the whole after having been estranged for some reason or another. But try as I might, I cannot breathe passion into anything. I just don’t believe.
In any case, I’m glad you wrote here tonight and it just plain feels good to know there are people who respect and treat death with the consideration it deserves. My email is notomgmt@gmail.com if you want to talk over email. I hope you find your peace, wherever it takes you. It is inevitable anyway
I was in touch with a pharmaceutical company in China and they quoted me $200 for 10 g ********. Does that seem real or not. I’m not working much now and its hard to even get that much but I was really hoping it was true.
@frozen: There’s no question the mental health system is fundamentally flawed. Because everyone’s biochemistry is different, there’s a ton guess-work that goes into treatment which leads to a lot of inefficiency.
Psych wards in particular are not equipped to handle the people who inhabit them. Most people I meet in psych wards are on their 3rd or 4th visit. The only people who seem to get better after visiting one are those who simply had a bad night and went a on a bender for a little bit. Those of us with chronic problems simply need more focused assistance which isn’t possible in group therapy where everyone has 5 minuets to discuss their problems. Life problems that led you to attempt suicide are not solved over the course of a week or two. They require thoughtful exploration and attention that the system is not able to address.
Many psych wards also don’t distinguish between those who are lost in their own realities and those who are simply depressed. There’s a huge difference, and that difference creates a stressful and sometimes dangerous environment for everyone involved. It’s a one-size-fits-all system that was destined for failure the moment it was conceived. Psych wards are not the abusive hell holes they were many years ago, but they are still often not accomplishing what they were designed for.
I understand being unable to feel the spark of life. The long years of depression, the futile attempts at regaining control, and the completely broken mental health system would take its toll on anyone. I’m not entirely convinced that that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, sometimes it just beats the hell out of you till you feel you’ve got nothing left to give. You don’t have to be creative to feel deeply.
In the end, like you said, I believe in autonomy. I believe in helping people and offering them options, but I don’t believe in forcing someone to suffer just because there *might* be an answer for them somewhere. If a person can’t choose their own life, they won’t have anything to live for. I will always encourage people to seek help, but I would be the biggest hypocrite in the world to ever stand in the way of an adult decision to end one’s life. I can’t. I can’t stop others from doing it because I know what it feels like to be so far gone.
@domesticshorthair: Honestly, they have no obligation to follow through with your order. The price is irrelevant, what matters is whether or not they will actually deliver. Unless you have a lot of money to blow, I wouldn’t do it.
The sellers would also need a delivery system to make it past US customs. I’ve talked to people who claim they send it in perfume bottles, but again, they have no reason not to just take your money and run. Be sure you ask questions. Make them show pictures of the bottles with a time stamp proving the bottles are real and haven’t been tampered with.
Doing this kind of deal with them carries inherent risk, and you should only do it if you’re prepared to lose whatever money you send them. It’s an incredibly easy scam.
letmesleep, you are dead on with everything. we are two of a kind , although we ve all have probably probably felt this way at some point.
ive had shock treatment done several times, all it did was make me feel worse, severly depressed, and lose my short term memory. i remember being lkned up like cattle waiting for your turn to have electroshock therapy. once shocked they wheel you to your room to sleep off the after effects. i was a complete zombie for months to come.
That’s terrible. The science behind ECT seems inconclusive at best, though it was definitely suggested for me at one point as well. Have you found anything that’s worked for you so far?
@lermesleep i understand you have problems, but life is beautiful i have problema myself too & sometimea
i just feel like giving up too! but life is like that we get put on a test & its only
up to us to pass it!! please just dont commit something that later pthers will feel
pain for 🙁
Blackhole, I too had ECT, about ten years ago, b/c no one knew what to do with me. I was severely depressed and suicidal. Well, the ECT messed up my cognition. The psych ward I was most recently in devastated and humiliated me to the point that I became suicidal. Being treated like a child/animal by sadistic, poorly trained people made me lose whatever slim faith in humanity I may have had. Since I can’t kill the people who treated me that way, and have been advised not to try to report them to the state, and since I can’t face anyone after what happened, I intend to die.
Letmesleep, Frozen, The problem is, my N hasn’t arrived yet but it’s too early to panic (it’s been over 3 weeks since I sent funds). Even so, I’m back to researching other methods and get stopped by these tanks and the technicalities of ensuring they are full and someone detaching one type of nozzle and reattaching some other nozzle…and I’ve researched other drugs too. You’re right; dying isn’t easy and I’m not as young as most of you but I know my stubborn body won’t die without the right drugs or hit man. so then I switch from one method to another, never firmly settling on one that seems like it will work. And by the way, if you’ve never uset a gun before, it’s not like it’s easy to stroll in, purchase a rifle and the correct bullets, and then to know how to operate it well enough to shoot oneself properly. Why can’t someone make it easier for us?
Catchthebus, man that sounds horrible. Some psych wards do have staff that simply don’t give a crap and treat you exactly like you said: like an animal. I’m really sorry you felt so humiliated, a lot of us felt that way about our stays as well. There’s just a real loss of dignity when people start telling you that your shoelaces are too dangerous for you.
I get the trauma you faced; while mine didn’t happen in the wards itself, I lost my sense of security because of how many times cops have barged into my house uninvited. I’ve been locked up 6 times, and 4 of those times had police breaking into my home. Every single time they came they brought more cops. I keep my doors locked not because I’m afraid of burglars or someone harming me, I keep them locked because I’m afraid of the “authorities”. Unquestioned power is extremely frightening because you either have to fight to the death or submit. I never wanted to hurt anyone, so I try to avoid the police at all costs.
Every time I see a cop out in public, I get nervous and this fight or flight response gets triggered. Seeing one can ruin my day, and my area happens to have a large police presence. I get how angry you feel towards the people who took away your power.
3 weeks is a long time not to hear back from them, did you order from outside the US? If they are still communicating with you, you might be safe. If they aren’t…yeah they probably screwed you over. I’ve been contacted again by my seller after I threatened to take all my emails to the authorities (my guys are located in the US currently), so we’ll see how that goes. The worst part of this is the emotional roller coaster they send me on as I wonder what the hell is going on at various points in the deal.
In terms of firearm…well, I’m pretty sure it’s just point and shoot. Even if you don’t die from the first shot you just pull again. Inside the mouth pointed up against the roof should be sufficient. That’s kinda dark to discuss though.
LMS: I appreciate your understanding of the situation. Lots of other thing have happened to compound the feelings of humiliation, and then there’s a point where enough is enough and there is no way to repair such a broken life or person. So this person wasn’t in the U.S. and i’ve read via google that it typically takes something 3 to 7 weeks to go one direction in this country. So, really I need to cool my jets and not really start giving up until week 6 and he’s still claiming he’s not received or if he just stops communicating. i’ve indicated to him a friend who’s also waiting to hear back about his reputation and my intention of writing a positive review in PP should the product actually arrive. I figure my chances are 50/50 of receiving something. Then I’ll have to consider other options but not the one you mentioned, probably.
letmesleep: how did you find your source? cuz i looked up pharmaceutical companies or those who manufacture the stuff and contacted the company directly. i found about four pharmaceutical companies in china and they all quoted me different prices ranging from $200 to $500, so i asked the $200 people if they could send it to me and they said “yes, please send a money order and provide your address”. i haven’t done it yet cuz i don’t even have $200, but i thought that since i was the one who searched for them and contacted them, it was probably a more sure thing than if i had responded to an ad. so i’m just wondering how you found that source.
i’ve also seen people buy it in mexico. it was in a documentary. but they had to go there themselves. they went to a little pharmacy and said it was for a dog. it was a documentary about euthanasia.
Guys i want to die to, is the chocking game painfull? Coz if it not we could all just meet and choke each other to death. bt one person will be left alive. i’m i south africa male 29. Email : freemysoul200@gmail.com
Please anyone i need help. i’m new her ,how to write a post, i’m using a mobile browser.
Peacemaker: Go to the “dashboard.” From there, hit the button that says “posts” and choose “New” that will allow you to write your own post and people can comment on it.
Domesticshorthair: Peaceful pIll reviews on Amazon talk about the guy in Mexico. If you buy the book or ebook, you’ll get more specific information about the one Mexican source (over the internet) and various Chinese sources of powdered N. If you are serious, you’ll probably want to get both PP handbook and Exit.
Thanks Catchthebus for responding so quickly, i tried it and it worked.
Catchthebus please can we talk via Email, freemysoul200@gmail.com
Ok thanks for the info. Good luck to u. Whatever u decide to do.
Sorry, I didn’t see these comments. @ Domesticshorthair: Just about anyone can promise you ********. The real challenge is finding someone who will actually send it to you. In regards to your Chinese contacts, using them is just as big of a risk as using any other seller. They want money first, and once they have it they have no obligation to follow through with you. Buying things through the Internet is a risk and it’s not going to matter who the seller is.
I found my source through the Internet as well, though considering it was about a month ago, I couldn’t tell you where. I had another suicidal partner for this sort of thing and she is currently locked up somewhere. We each had made contacts but the specific one that has yet to send me what I paid for was made on some website that hosts sellers for numerous types of goods.
In terms of Mexico, ever since it became known you could buy ******** there the US government pressured the Mexican one to shut down sales of the medication. It’s a lot harder to find now, but supposedly the latest Peaceful Pill Handbook newsletter says Mexico is good to go again. Hell if I know, I was never given an official password by Exit to view their material. I paid for it (which is how I get their emails) but they never actually responded and gave me what I needed to do so. I found the PPH hosted on the Internet so I just chose to view it from there.
@peacemaker. I’m really sorry your life is so awful, but trying to set up an international choke session is impractical at best. I want to go peacefully. If I was able to go violently I’d have already done so. I don’t have it in me, and there’s no way anyone’s body is going to let someone else choke them to death.
hi, mail me into *EDITED FOR BULLSHIT*……… i could surely be of some help to you.
Someone approved your comment daniel1_90? That’s amusing. I know what you offer and unless you’re willing to do a deal in person, I’m not interested. I’ve been cheated enough already. I’m $1800 in the hole from the last guy who claimed to sell what you say you do.
Acquiring that kind of thing in the U.S is not a realistic option at all unless you steal it from a vet. Mexico certainly is the easiest way to get it if you don’t want to resort to thievery
Yeah, I’ve learned as much, unfortunately. I certainly do not want to harm others or steal; that’s not who I am. I do live in California (so I’m close to Mexico), but I wouldn’t know where to start looking. I don’t speak Spanish and I’m terrified of the border guards. If I knew exactly where to go it wouldn’t be a problem, but wandering around Mexico looking for a vet is beyond the scope of my energy at this point. Every time I come up empty handed I just have these horribly painful days where I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m trying to avoid that.
At this point I’m holding out for a straw purchase of a firearm. It’s shocked me up to this point that my money has been unable to buy me peace. It’s just a matter of time before I find someone willing right? Right? 🙁
@Letmesleep. You seem one of the more active and serious people here. I’m new here, and so far my posts were not approved, for some reason. I’m looking for someone to talk to, because, as I’ve noticed before, the loneliness gets even deeper when you are planning your (next) attempt and you distance yourself from your real life friends and family 1) in the hopes of making it a little less painful for them if you succeed, 2) because you feel you are not worthy of their attention and are a burden to all of them, and 3) because you don’t want them to suspect anything. The hours creep along, and I ache for anyone who would understand to talk to. If I had all the equipment in order already, I’d make the attempt tonight, but I have to wait, while I feel already dead. I cannot enjoy anything, and the lack of human contact is slowly choking me. If you would like to talk, please let me know.
I hope this comment does get approved….
I hear you on the isolation, Remorhaz. I feel like no one loves me enough to let me make my own choice, and even though there are people around me, I feel completely alone. My family and friends have seen how deep the pit goes, and while they are sympathetic, they don’t have it in them to help me take back what I’ve lost. I lost power, and I can’t live or die without it. I’m just stuck in limbo where I don’t have the will to live and lack the tools to die.
It’s not a question of whether or not the like me, it’s a question of if they LOVE me. I have no way to reconcile the fact that no one will help me end my suffering and yet they drone on and on about how much I mean to them. No one is doing me any favors at this point by forcing me to live. I’ve been suffering since I was 7 (20 years), and things only seem to get worse.
There are at least 20 different reasons why I wish to die. There are intellectual reasons, there are emotional reasons, and there are physical reasons. Every part of me craves the grave, and without the power to choose for myself I feel like an object. I feel like I exist to amuse other people while lacking any basic human rights.
I wouldn’t even need anyone’s help with this if I had the power to choose for myself. Having been involuntarily institutionalized long before I was actually ready to die, my access to peaceful death was ripped from my hands by those who claimed to care. I never expected anyone to help me die, but the fact remains it’s because of them that I even need outside assistance. I never would have asked anyone to have a part in my death, but it’s because the system refuses me peaceful options that I desperately need assistance.
I have spent the last four years trying to take back what’s been lost to me, and I’m exhausted. Emotionally drained, physically tired, intellectually taxed. The highest need in my life is just to be able to say yes or no, and that need continues to go unmet.
Edit: Sometimes I forget to actually address other people’s points. I totally hear you on the boredom and emptiness. All of the hobbies I used to enjoy have no meaning to me; I essentially live a life without pleasure. People bore me, every day is the same, and nothing truly excites me. The area I live in, while extremely nice, clean, and full of activities, feels like a giant cage. The world around me has no color, and it’s like nothing outside this exists. I have the funds to do anything I please, but why bother? There’s nothing worth my time.
In terms of trying to keep it all secret, I fortunately don’t have to do that. Having institutionalized me 6 times in 3 years, the people around me recognize doing so has no benefit. All those hospitalizations did was tear up our relationships. I speak openly about my wish to die; I even tell my dentist. Maybe this is what makes it hard for me: everyone knows, but no one cares enough to let it happen. I’ve been on this road for far too long, no one is shocked by my suicidal tendencies anymore.
I am very sorry this is how you feel… I wish we could be either happy (can’t imagine it though) or dead. Reading your reply is like reading my own diary. I’m 28, have suffered for basically as long as I can remember, and, indeed, 20 different reasons to die, intellectual, emotional and physical. Have also been institutionalised, but only for 30 hours after my previous failed attempt – nonetheless this felt like 3 weeks, for it is truly my nightmare to be locked up, treated like an animal and looked at with suspicion the entire time, as if I were a criminal.
Dying has turned out to be way more difficult than I had expected. I’ve been suicidal for half my life, but only, finally, truly attempted suicide about 8 months ago. Since then I’ve sort of been trying life again, to see if there’s anything left after all, I guess, but mainly because friends and family urged me to. But there’s nothing but pain and suffering – I’m in both physical and emotional pain every day, and I feel no one truly understands, even though I have a number of depressed friends. I actually have quite a few friends but feel alienated from them, and they will not help, but instead keep on hitting me with these disgustingly positive messages. Even though they mean well, it is not what I want. I want only to end my meaningless, tormented life.
I can’t even imagine being actively suicidal for four years without succeeding. If you lived near me I would help you. I understand your feeling that everything only gets worse, especially since with each failed attempt, or even a discarded method, death seems farther away, and life becomes an even worse prison. Like you I hate how society forces you to live against your will – I cannot understand why they would want me to cost them money while the only thing I want is to die. I feel like a criminal serving a life sentence, the government being of the opinion that even if it costs them, they need me to suffer more. It is inhumane, but aren’t humans incredibly cruel creatures? Therefore I feel it would be more fitting if the word ‘inhumane’ would be changed to ‘humane’. They don’t care about you or your wishes. In our society there is only the illusion of freedom.
In reply to your edit:
– On boredom and emptiness I agree with everything you say. But others don’t understand and continually say, “Why don’t you *just* go and do this or that?” Uhnn…. No. Nothing is interesting, nothing is worth doing. Except killing myself.
– I understand that with all the hospitalisations everyone knows your deal. But even though they see you are depressed and suicidal, they do not truly understand what it is like. “Everyone knows, but no one cares enough to let it happen.” > Yes. In fact, in trying to thwart your efforts, they can feel like enemies sometimes. To me, at least.
– On keeping it secret: Wow, even your dentist, really? I can’t say the same, but I can’t worry about my teeth anymore anyway – that’s long-term stuff, and I live only in the here and now, which is hard enough as it is. I should explain my situation a little better: I used to keep my plans to commit suicide a complete secret, but after my attempts failed and I was institutionalised afterwards, everyone knew. Now, they know I am still suicidal (I write about it openly on my blog because everyone knows already anyway), but I don’t share my concrete plans for the next attempt with anyone (in real life), because I don’t want them to stop me. This is why I cannot really talk to any of my friends right now, and the loneliness is getting even worse.
Wow, I can’t believe they let you out 30 hours after a suicide attempt. My first hospitalization lasted a week and I didn’t even attempt anything. Psych wards in California are way harder to get out of than in. There’s no doubt that they are the scariest places on earth; no freedom, no dignity, no comfort, no recreation, and most importantly, no help. They are an abomination and an affront to human rights.
I hear you on the long, suicidal road. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 7, but by the time I was 12 I was begging my parents to kill me. Suicidal ideation was the norm and something that would become as natural to me as breathing. It doesn’t shock, bother, or scare me. Only in the last four years, though, did I finally decide to end my life. This is where the attempts and hospitalizations began taking place.
I hear you on friends and family. They all see our lives through their lenses and can’t possibly fathom what it feels like to be in this place. Mine try to be understanding and don’t always try to shove their opinions down my throat, but it took a long time and a lot of communication before they actually realized it wasn’t helping me. They are a lot more respectful now, but the fact remains they won’t return what they took from me.
Like you, I still feel alienated, but that’s because suffering is isolating. It’s not natural to be as depressed as we are, and people just can’t relate. It’s not that they don’t want to, it’s just that they can’t. <—hey gotta stop here. My cousin just came over. I'll respond to the rest of your posts later. Hope the rest of your night doesn't suck.
I’ll reply later as well. It’s 5 a.m. here and it’s hard to think. It’s harder still to sleep, but you probably now how that is.
“Hope the rest of your night doesn’t suck” is more realistic than “Have a nice evening,” isn’t it? Thanks dude. Same.
Sorry about that, my cousin just randomly came over to hang out while I was posting.
Anyways, still responding to your first post: I totally get what you mean about death feeling further and further away. Having cycled through at least 6 different plans in those years, every time I come up empty handed the hopelessness does indeed get worse. The world feels smaller and I feel even more isolated.
After all this effort, still no one will help? A lot of people in my life have finally been honest with themselves: refusing to assist me is not actually about me, it’s about them. They’ve told me straight out that they are too selfish or weak to help me. They don’t want to live with the consequences of my suicide or the legal implications of doing so. While I accept and understand this on a practical level, it also still makes me feel like I’m not valuable enough for anyone to really sacrifice for me.
In other words, love is merely a word or concept, not a reality. In the end I AM alone because no matter how bad my suffering gets, there won’t be anyone who values me enough to put themselves on the line to make it stop. I realize the impossible thing I’m asking of people, but I never thought I’d see the day where I found out love wasn’t real, that we truly do only live for ourselves. I don’t want to be part of such a world.
In the end, I’ve not asked them to kill me, I’ve simply asked for the ability to choose for myself. I see a distinction between the two, but they do not. I would not place such a burden on anyone, but the reality is it’s their actions that led to my loss of power. I didn’t ask them to lock me up, and I wasn’t even truly suicidal at the time anyways. If I had been able to decide for myself a long time ago, I would probably be in a better place now. I might even be happy, living life to it’s fullest. However that loss of power brought my life to a screeching halt.
All my life I had things happening to me that were beyond my control. I had so much suffering that left me with no other options but to bear it. When I was still religious I felt like God’s little punching bag. With this lack of power a constant in my life, to have even more of it taken from me simply broke my existence. Without being able to choose my death, suffering was no longer up to me. I couldn’t ever opt out or ever so say no, and therefore I also couldn’t recover, I couldn’t move on, and I couldn’t do anything else to keep myself sane besides obsessively pursue the void. They turned a desire for death into a need.
What you say about the government is true. By systematically removing all the painless ways to die, society has not shown concern or respect for human life, but rather a deeper Christian ethos to inflict punishment and guilt on anyone who dares challenge our culture’s paralyzing fear of death.
There’s nothing humane about making people suffer. I wholeheartedly believe in helping people, giving them options for treatment, and doing everything we can to make sure a person who intends to end their life really wants it. However, the choice HAS to remain the individual’s or we set ourselves up as some sort of gods. We become judge, jury, and torturer of other people’s lives when we tell them they need our permission to end their suffering. It’s sick, it’s selfish, and it’s inherently wrong.
To your second post: Haha, “just” has to be the most over used word in the world. It’s almost as if people really believe life falls into place if you throw an afternoon’s worth of effort at it. An oversimplification of problems is ever-present in our world, and I don’t think we’ll ever be rid of it. A level of depth is required to understand real suffering, and many people will “just” never know. I don’t expect much out of people who use phrases like that, but they sure are good at ruining your day.
In feeling like everyone around you is somewhat of an enemy: YES. God, this is so true! I totally agree. How could you NOT be angry when everyone around you is telling you that you’re allowed to suffer but not die? This goes back to what I said up at the top: when you realize no one is willing to go to the ends of the earth for you, there’s this feeling of rage that takes over. You start to feel trapped and like an object used only to increase the satisfaction of everyone else. Most people will never have to come to grips with the fact that we are far more alone than we realize.
There’s no question the longer this has gone on the more angry I’ve become. It’s easy to understand where they are coming from, but at what point do you just let someone go? At what point do you put the needs of the broken before you own? I’ve asked them this a million times. I’ve begged for their assistance, and the isolation only grows with continued refusal. I come from a closely knit family, but right now everything is fucked up. I’m so angry at everyone and I have to bury so much of my rage because otherwise I won’t even have basic relationships. I understand how conflicting that is for you, I really do. My relationships with them are all over the place because a part of my mind simply can’t ignore the fact that they watch me suffer.
In terms of keeping secrets: Well, it’s really kind of a grey area for my family. Like you, everyone knows EXACTLY where I’m at. Friends, family, friends’ families, family’s friends, doctors, dentists, Santa Clause, and the Monopoly Guy all know I’m suicidal. However, I do let on to actual plans sometimes. It’s been kinda sketchy at some points about whether or not they were going to lock me up, but my family is pretty determined not to do so again. I’ve said some pretty crazy and even violent stuff but they hoped I wouldn’t follow through on it. In some ways I have to be grateful for that because they’ve kept their word to never lock me up again.
Still, I think there are some things I could say like “I’m going to kill myself tonight” that they may act on, but my sister didn’t when I recently called her. Not everyone’s family is going to take such huge risks, but this suicide thing isn’t new for me. Everyone is well aware that I’m probably going to end up killing myself at some point. At this time, they just hope I won’t.
Edit: Damn, sorry for the wall of text. No pressure to respond to any or all of that.
Hey man, don’t apologise for writing all of this. I ‘enjoyed’ it (you know what I mean) and greatly appreciate it. You’re a good writer. Plus, it must always feel good to write about this stuff to someone who will listen and understand, right? So, win-win. Unfortunately I don’t have time to reply just yet, but I certainly will, probably in the middle of the night, when, if you look outside, you can quite easily imagine the human race has died out (but being the last remaining human would be a nightmare as much as living among them is). Anyway, I’ll reply soon. Take care, dude.
Thanks dude, take all the time you want. No pressure from my end because I’m going to bed myself. It’s 7:46 am here and I’ve been up all ni…..zzzzzzzzzz.
Letmesleep, your posts on this thread have been so affirming and helpful to me. Your description of family and friends not willing to go the extra mile is so dead-on. The people who will let you suffer terrible pain, even when you are explicit about how they might reduce the pain, but they refuse to do helpful things. And they try to stop you from release from the pain via suicide. It’s the letdown by humanity that makes me want to die more than anything else. Sadistiic mental hospital people, family calling police for no good reason, on and on.
I admire your determination with the gun idea. That still freaks me out and still i wait for the ******** that may never come. Anyway, appreciate your posts and everyone else’s on here. Really nice to find others with similar experiences and feelings.
Catchthebus, I’m glad my posts have been helpful, truly I mean that. Before I lost the will to live, I had the will to make the world better. It’s very clear that I’m on SP to die, but being able to help others helps me pass the time until I can achieve that. Knowing that you or others take comfort in the things I say is validating to me.
I totally get you; if people could face their own fears about death and loss perhaps we could have greater discussions as a society about suffering. No one wins when death is black and white and all the actions taken to stop it further harm the lost.
Society only keeps repeating the same solutions because it isn’t courageous enough to look for other answers. It all comes back to fear, and suicide and death are simply things happy people don’t want to think about. However because no one is thinking about them, the amount of quality ideas and options are few. Without greater minds acknowledging the need for end-of-life options, we’ll continue to merely crawl towards real compassion.
I’m sorry you feel as helpless and alone as I do. I truly hope you can get the power back because I honestly think it’s the only way to be right with the world again. It might be easier for you to accept the inherent flaws in life and people if you’re able to still choose to accept them instead of having it forced upon you.
Thanks for the encouragement, I have to take it a moment at a time or I just go nuts. I’m trying my best to find a peaceful way out and I have to believe I can obtain it.
i ready what u say, please send me a email to abcg695@gmail.com
Maybe i have a solution
Letmesleep and others, i really know how difficult is to buy ******** from the internet but recently i discover a paper from one of the greatest organizations to die and they mention places where we can buy ******** from reliable sources…. The paper gives addresses where we can buy ******** personally and from internet sources!
please send me a email to abcg695@gmail.com to talk better and to discuss some ideias to die, i want to die too
thanks
Hey Letmesleep. Finally feeling up to replying. Between struggling enormously with work (self-employed) and barely getting stuff done, and lying on the couch empty and defeated, I rarely find the strength to do much else. In fact, I haven’t really communicated with anyone since I last replied here. To be frank, I mean for it to be over in a couple of days, so I’m just trying to cut everyone off now. (If I never reply again, you will know I am finally gone.) I don’t even know why I’m still working. Because I might fail, and then I’d be in even deeper shit if I had stopped working (again), probably. I hate still trying to keep up with life even when I hope I’m about to die, but I guess that’s just the way it is when you’re not certain about the result…
Anyway, lots to reply to, but I will try to keep it clear and concise. First off, during those 30 hours of hospitalization I acted as if I were fine the whole time, (seemingly) never taking offense and being helpful and shit. I figured they might buy it and let me go, but I had little to no faith they would. It was quite the shock when they did, stating, “You don’t belong here.†I have no idea how much of it was due to my acting. Even so, the whole time I was afraid to fly into a rage because of the way they treated. I’m still shocked I managed to keep my (outward) composure.
I see catchthebus also agreed with us on the point of family not helping. How awful that you have been feeling this way since you were seven… I believe it started a few years later for me. They started sending me to therapists when I was 12. “[Suicide] doesn’t shock, bother, or scare me.†How incomprehensible this would sound to most (healthy) people… But I understand completely. Except I do fear the pain, and, odd as it may sound, I fear the fear. E.g., imagine you are about to step in front of a train. The fear!!.. I fear that fear. And since I also fear the pain, I am trying to find a way (that works) without (much) pain or fear… I believe you are trying the same, because except if you’re crippled, something like a train is always available…
I hear you on alienation and isolation because people just cannot understand… It is one of the main reasons I sometimes fantasise about breaking off contact with everybody. They will never understand me anyway, and their lack of understanding makes me feel weirder and weirder… Crazy even. (And they keep saying I need a girlfriend, but they don’t understand I just can’t do that anymore.) But even now I am leading much of a hermit’s existence, living alone, (just managing to pay the rent,) not inviting many people and mostly only leaving the house to get groceries. At least the understanding I find on this website is kind of soothing… But, you know, it’s not enough. Nothing is.
I have to admit I am very much afraid my next attempt will fail. I am even thinking about if I will tell anyone that I’ve tried and failed (which would feel very strange, but which might be best), and also about other possibilities, should I fail. I’ve failed at so much in my life that somehow I just can’t be confident anymore that my attempt will succeed. But I do really hope it will…
“It still makes me feel like I’m not valuable enough for anyone to really sacrifice for me.†& “In the end I AM alone because no matter how bad my suffering gets, there won’t be anyone who values me enough to put themselves on the line to make it stop.†Yes. YES. Discovering that this is the way people are has burned and maimed my soul. They will only help if it’s not too much of an inconvenience to them. And they will never truly give up anything to save you from abject misery. They can claim to be empathetic, but they are not truly thus. They cannot be. No one will ever understand you, and, in my personal experience, never truly sacrifice for you. Something that disgusts me is that people will FEEL they have sacrificed for you if they have sacrificed an afternoon to talk with you or pick you up and the nuthouse or anything like that. But you cannot tell them this is not real sacrifice, because they will be terribly offended. So, sometimes I think, just fuck off, you fake ‘loved ones’…
I can’t imagine how it must have felt for your family to have you locked up… Trying to imagine this situation, I’d say, I, being incredibly rebellious by nature, might have cut off all contact with the ones responsible. I can imagine it took quite a bit of strength not to do this, even though (or especially since) you resent them for it.
I hear you when you say you need to be able to choose death. It is my only comfort, though knowing it is so very difficult to die leaves a bitter taste. This is the one power, in a worst case scenario (which our lives seem to be), that you never wish to lose… Everyone fears (physical) torture. Can they not understand that our lives are emotional torture? But, somehow, they do not see it as being the same, sane and healthy people always thinking that emotional problems can ‘simply’ be overcome whereas, for example, terminal cancers are not. This is why I’ve been begging to get cancer for a dozen years or so. Finally people would understand and accept…
In reply to what you said about our governments/society: some quotes from Mitchell Heisman come to mind:
“There is a very popular opinion that choosing life is inherently superior to choosing death. This belief that life is inherently preferable to death is one of the most widespread superstitions. This bias constitutes one of the most obstinate mythologies of the human species.â€
“This prejudice against death is a kind of xenophobia. Discrimination against death is simply assumed good and right. Absolutist faith in life is commonly a result of the unthinking conviction that existence or survival, along with an irrational fear of death, is “goodâ€. This unreasoned conviction in the rightness of life over death is like a god or a mass delusion.â€
They discriminate against death, and they make you feel utterly sick and/or crazy for longing for for it. “It’s sick, it’s selfish, and it’s inherently wrong.†Indeed. And this sentence, especially, I almost raised a fist to: “We become judge, jury, and torturer of other people’s lives when we tell them they need our permission to end their suffering.†This arouses plain hatred in me. How DARE they?!…
“I don’t expect much out of people who use phrases like that, but they sure are good at ruining your day.†Indeed. Unfortunately, in my experience, most people use the word ‘just’ all the time…making me *just* want to stop listening…
“I’m so angry at everyone and I have to bury so much of my rage because otherwise I won’t even have basic relationships.†Oh, so true… I feel like I could explode with rage at any moment, because people, allowing me to suffer but leaving it at that, piss me off so much CONSTANTLY that it could not be otherwise… I am actually afraid to talk about serious issues even with close friends, because I feel I could get so incredibly mad without any warning, because my rage is always so close to the surface, that I would completely scare them off. Somehow, if I decreased contact with them, I would want to do it myself… I’ve been let down too often already… I just can’t take it anymore. But what I do have to take, it seems, is this constant anger that wants out. But (paraphrased), as I once read, “ ‘Mad’ means ‘angry and ‘crazy’ because expressing anger is often associated with craziness.†This is also why I absolutely wanted to keep my anger checked when hospitalised. They would only use it as an excuse to call me crazy, I feel. WHY AREN’T YOU ALLOWED TO BE MAD!? 🙁
At least your family has so far refrained from having you locked up again… I am very glad this is the case, and I sincerely hope they will continue to keep their word (everyone only keeps their word until they break it or die), because I know what a nightmare it is to be locked up… Especially when you know you are more intelligent than most of the staff there!!
As weird as it may sound to healthy people, I sincerely wish you will die very soon, friend. But if we both should live for a time to come, we might as well talk more. We’ll see, I guess. Take care.
I don’t buy it.
No idea how to edit posts here, but I’m pretty sure abcg is a fake. Don’t contact him.
Remorhaz, I read your response to Let me sleep with great interest, as I too feel that rage at others all the time, that they would selfishly have me suffer, that they would lock me up, that being angry is linked with being crazy. I too was cool as a cucumber in the hospital, figuring that was the ticket out, and they kept saying they “didn’t believe me” (didn’t believe what?) and that I was minimizing my illness and that if I continued to act so calm they would make sure I didn’t leave for a long time. Talk about crazy-making. I digress. I just wanted to say I appreciate what you have to say and am curious about your comment in this thread “I don’t buy it.” and wondered what you meant.
Hey Remorhaz, thanks for your complete and thoughtful response to mine. I identify with you on so many levels, but I’m having a really bad day and can’t formulate a response right now. I think every time someone says ‘no’ to me in terms of giving me the tools to die, I become a little more unhinged, I feel a little more hopeless, and I hate most of humanity just a little bit more. I’m a good man, but my circumstances are making me contemplate not being one.
These are my worst days: when I allow myself a sliver of hope that someone may sell me what I need, and subsequently being shut down. I don’t know how to handle it anymore, and sometimes I fear I’ll become something I’m not just to take back something I should have already had. Desperation turns even saints into monsters.
I can’t address your points today, but I see you feeling a lot like me. If you’re like me, then the only moral thing for me to do is wish you a swift exit very soon. Truly, suffering is not preferable to death, and I sincerely hope you can escape. I know some may recoil in disgust that we would wish each other to die, but I get you, and you get me. I wish you the swiftest, most peaceful passing imaginable. No one deserves to suffer like this.
I need to go lay down take some pain killers. Please take care of yourself, and if taking care of yourself means leaving the world, then I support you 100%. I’ll do my best to actually address your points soon. Thanks for talking with me.
Remorhaz why u say u are sure iam a fake? Iam not a seller, i dont have nothing to sell, but iam interesting to buy like you!
@Letmesleep. Oh, I know about such days, so you just do what you need to feel a bit better. There’s kind of a….deadline this Friday for me to read your reply, if you feel up to writing it in time, but even if you don’t I’ll understand, no worries. I’m glad we talked, as well.
@catchthebus. Reading the part about the people in the hospital not believing you made me angry (crazy? ;)). So they would have condemned you if you had been yourself, with all the fear and despair this entailed, but so, too, did they condemn you for trying to act normal. It is then that you must feel the worst of prisoners, judged before you ever had a chance. The only thing I can say is I’m on your side.
Oh, and “I don’t buy it” was directed at abcg, but apparently it doesn’t say or quote who you replied to. Trying to learn how this site works. Not that it will be much use, probably, but hey…
Take care, guys (if you’re guys, that is)
Sorry if i dont know how this site works!
Remorhaz : I understand If you “dont buy it”, dont believe me or dont trust me
but please dont use words like ” iam pretty sure abcg is a fake, dont contact him” ok?
Iam not a fake and i dont have nothing to sell, my purpose here is not to scam people, iam here to buy and not to sell!
how we can talk in private?
Alright, sorry abcg. Not interested in speaking in private though.
think about dying every day
i feel so alone and i will need a solution 🙁 i
@Letmesleep, primarily. Tomorrow is the big day. I have all the equipment ready and am just taking one more day to wrap up my affairs. But I’m starting to feel scared all of a sudden, despite myself. Feeling pretty lonely too, since I’ve lived in near-absolute solitude over the past week. I feel bad toward my friends, but my course is set and my mind is made up. It is hard just being alive and scared and alone. I’d like to see my friends again but I cannot risk alerting them. I felt I had to tell someone, though, so I’m writing here. No worries if no one replies though.
“The deepest and most organic death is death in solitude, when even light becomes a principle of death. In such moments you will be severed from life, from love, smiles, friends and even from death. And you will ask yourself if there is anything besides the nothingness of the world and your own nothingness.â€
–Emil Cioran
Hey Remorhaz, I’ve been off the site for a couple days. I’m starting to feel fairly confident I won’t find what I’m looking for here, so I lost motivation to log on. I won’t ever try to stop you, but dying without anyone knowing about it does indeed seem kind of lonely.
I hear your hurt, recognize your struggle, and wish you peace. I’m very similar to you; I spend all day in my house and the only time I really get out is to work out at the same time each day. I see various family members once a week, but I always come home to an empty house. 95% of my time is spent in isolation.
Just for kicks, what method do you intend to try? Without telling you not to, if we have the same amount of options I’m not sure whatever you’re about to try is a great idea. I’m not particularly confident in the exit bag method, and pills by themselves simply don’t work. Unless you’re planning to jump off or into something, you may want to reconsider.
In the end it’s up to you, but I just wanted you to know that I acknowledge your passing if that’s what you decide to do. Someone will know, even if it’s just some guy on the Internet. I’ll check back with this tonight, so if you’re around I’m willing to listen.
Hi Letmesleep hallo everyone ,
Remorhaz: hard to hear “tomorrow its the big day” but if you feel that way and is your wish… I will not say not to do it… Is your wish and your life but surely its not a easy task one for nobody serious about to die!
For me the best method to do it its with ******** or with a gun, i like quick ( fast) and peacefull deaths!
If someone share this point of view and want to continue this conversation give your email
@Letmesleep. Helium, for lack of better peaceful options. Tested as best I could; feeling fairly confident but scared of failure nonetheless. In about one hour I hope to die. Haven’t really felt scared since that post here, but I’m sure the fear will set in again in a little while. I’m going to do it no matter what though. Everything’s ready except for a final few little things. Thanks for your support. No one but the people here know yet, but the people in my life will know soon enough… I feel sorry for hurting them, but it cannot be any other way. I wonder if I will stink like a ***** when they find me…
If this is the last you hear of me, I will be dead, or too brain damaged to write. Let’s hope the former. Goodbye.
Good luck to you Remorhaz. I have no idea what to think of the helium method myself (I’ve heard conflicting stories), but if you’re determined to try it tonight then I hope you succeed. In terms of smelling when they find you, I’d try to evacuate all your wastes beforehand. I’ve been found in…undignified states as well.
I believe in your right to say when enough is enough and I’m really sorry your life led to this. I wish you a safe journey should there be anything on the other side. Make sure you make peace with anything and everything before you go. Let me know if you survive or decide not to do it. I won’t judge you if you decide not to.
Take care
that guy daniel , surely helped me out!
almost anything is possible, and almost anything is available, you just have to know where to look and use your head a little 🙂
Remorhaz, i wish you the very best and hope you do succeed, as that is your wish. just know you helped me to feel less alone, for a little while, by expressing so well my same situation.
i dont know why the moderators are trying remove my comment… but seriously mr moderator, i have lost a lot of money on this mexican and nigerian frauds and at last got ******** , so why not share it with the rest of the world ….. friends , i dont know how long this comments going to be there but i got ******** from a guy named daniel , email being *EDITED*. i paid through paypal to be secured well rest is upto you . contact if ur really serious about it . again …..take care, i really am feeling good .
Original Poster edit: Do NOT attempt to purchase anything from this guy. I already contacted him a long time ago. He’s not trustworthy. -LMS
hey joe thanks for posting , but i did not do any favor! thats allrite if you delete the comment . here lot of people just speak of having it , but only 10 % actually do, so who are interested they mail without persisting.
Original Poster edit: Come back when you’re ready to do in-person deals. Only an idiot would send money to a faceless person across the Internet. – LMS
@ Daniel aka Joe. You are both the same fucking person. Don’t be fooled SP users. Look at the spaces between the punctuation marks, use of ellipsis and writing style. Have to do better than that Daniel, I mean Joe. Shame on you, shame on you. Stop spamming the site with shit.
Good eyes, Sublimity. I think you’re right.
He is definitely the same person. I noticed a couple weeks ago when joe-gijoe first showed up. The first time I saw his other account name was when one of his comments got thrown into the trash a couple months ago. I contacted him and he only does wire transfers – the same way I lost $1,800 to someone else. His account should be banned.
Do not buy from him.
I wouldn’t buy anything illegal off the internet. Even if it is ‘real’, chances are it’s been manufactured in a shoddy backyard lab, and might not be the clean, painless experience you’re seeking.
Firstly, thanks for the heads up on the scams on ******** purchases. I too am completely frustrated with the lack of practical and easily accessible ways to end your life on your own terms. I am 40, and have been struggling with anxiety and depression my whole life. I’m tired of being afraid and angry every day, and I’m tired of religious right in this country trying to take away my right to gracefully exit when I wish to. I have considered all of the available exits, but have yet to find one that is easily accessible to me. ******** would definitely be my first choice, but as you’ve stated, there just isn’t any way to obtain it legally without traveling (which I cannot do) I have medical conditions, and am living on disability at the moment, so I don’t have access to much money. I’ve thought about the gun option, but I don’t want to leave a mess for anyone, and it’s not exactly foolproof . If i can’t find any other way, a gun will have to do, but I’d prefer a cleaner exit.
Anyway, thanks for the heads up , and I hope someday soon we will have more access to a more “Peaceful” exit if that is what we wish. I am not religious at all, and I really don’t give a shit if they object to my having my own control over my body. I am a gay, disabled , atheist living in the USA. I think you can maybe see why I’m a bit frustrated and “sick and tired”
Sorry you’re having a rough go of it, sickandtired. I hear you on wanting and wishing for cleaner options. I must be one of the few that simply isn’t bothered by the idea of a firearm related death. I have such a low opinion of life in the first place that I think it affects how I see my corpse. I get not wanting to leave a mess for other people though.
As you said, you deserve the right to have control over your own body and life, and unfortunately a gun may be people’s best option for a long time. The right to die is coming along at a snails pace in the US, with bigots and nuts fighting it at every turn. Little do they realize the right to die affects them as well. *sigh*
Anyways, I have contacts that can help you if you’d like. Now that I’m getting what I want, I was hoping to get rid of my fakes email addresses, random suicide methods strewn about my house, and all the lies that I feel like my life has become about in the past 4 years, but I’m willing to toss you their contact info if you’re interested. There’s always help for this sort of thing if you’re willing to dig deep enough to find it. Lethal and peaceful substances exist, but you have to climb into bed with vermin to obtain them. It’s up to you.
I’m an absolute douche.
I’m an absolute douche.
Daniel you are the lowest of the low. When you came out of your mother, the flies must have swarmed around you like the piece of shit that you are. I know that you are too stupid to understand what I wrote. I said that you and Joe were the same person because you are the same person. A bit of a coincidence that two stupid people write on the same posts within hours that can’t use capital letters and have double spaces between punctuation marks. Keyboard warrior, if you want to give me a beating, be my guest loser. You might have to learn proper punctuation first. Scumbag.
OP Edit: Strange…someone seems to have edited Daniel’s broken English. 🙂 -LMS
Very upsetting to hear how impossible it is to find ********, i have a crippling condition and cant go to mexico or lima, and also dont have the wherewithal to set up helium tanks. Makes me sad to read the psychic pain depressives go thru, i did for many years, ironically got better around the same time my body started to fail. I tried about 100 mg of oxycodone, and it didn’t work. but while i was waiting for it to work, I thought about all the people it would hurt, and felt very guilty about it, but they are mostly not here for me now. At first they were, but life goes on, and people get compassion fatigue, or they blame you for your illness.
@needhelp: What condition is your body in at the moment? Have you considered contacting Dignitas? Lawful euthanasia exists, and people are willing to help if your condition is bad enough. You would have to fly to Switzerland of course, but if you’re in extremely poor health there really is a way out.
I’d love to refer you to someone who can sell you a peaceful exit, but I remain unconvinced at the moment about the contacts I have. If I ever receive something, I’ll be sure to let the people who really want options know.
I’m sorry you’re life is so tough. Since I’ve acquired a shotgun, I too am asking myself if living is really worth it. Living in physical pain is the worst and I can’t really identify any reasons to keep going. I’m still here, but this is a new chapter of my life. It could be the beginning or it could be the end.
*threadjacks*
You finally got a gun? Oh I’m so happy for you, you have your power back — I’d rather you somehow find a solution for your pain and a reason to keep living, but I’m glad you now have a choice at last.
Letmesleep, unfortunately not fit for travel, or I’d go to switzerland, or Lima and get ********, sounds like that’s the easiest place to get it. I can’t get a gun either – couldn’t go stand in line to get a license. All these things I once took for granted. I’ve made my peace that my time has come, I never gave much thought before to people in our situation, how difficult society makes it to let go when your quality of life has gone. We treat animals more humanely when their time has come.
& sorry to hear you’ve come to this point too.
@SadBk: Yes, I’ve obtained a shotgun. The power component was huge in my life and one way or another, I’m better off now that I have it. If I choose to live, then it’s only possible because I was finally able to agree to it. If I die then I’ve done myself a huge favor. Either way it’s a positive thing. I had to mingle with some unsavory types to succeed though. I can’t even begin to tell you how stressful the last four years have been.
@needhelp: That’s terrible, it sounds like you’re in a really bad position. I crap you not, if you’re able to convince Dignitas to euthanize you, I’ll fly you to Switzerland myself on whatever aircraft that will accommodate you. At least it would give me something to do. That may sound unrealistic, but I have the funds and the time to do it. I have literally nothing else going on.
In any case, if I find a good source for a peaceful poison, I’ll let you know. That’s a lot easier than signing up with Dignitas. I just don’t want you to be without options. I completely agree that we treat mangy cats with more dignity than we do other humans. It’s sick.
@letmesleep, very kind of you to offer. Dignitas would be an ordeal for someone w/my mobility issues. Do let me know if you across peaceful poison. How would you contact me?
Letmesleep are you still offering 50 thousand?
@needhelp: I’d just email you. Your email already shows in the comment menu. I hang around this site for my own amusement (that’s not to say that I find depression and suicide funny, it just feels comfortable and familiar to me), so even if it takes some time I’ll just make a post when I figure it out. Did you hear back from the other guy in the other thread stating the Mexico connection was legit? Maybe he can help you right now.
In terms of Switzerland, I’d be willing to wheel you around myself. Quite honestly that’s just how I am; I don’t mind taking two weeks of my life off to wheel a handicapped person around a foreign country. That’s not odd behavior for me, though I know it sounds odd for most people. You don’t need to respond to this, I just want you to know if no one else is willing to take you, I am. I’ve got nothing else to live for so I might as well spend it on other people.
@Thebutterflyeffect: Sorry, no. I’ve already obtained what I was looking for.
Thanks, @letmesleep. Very kind of you to offer. Travel would be extremely difficult for me. Please do let me know if you find a legit source. Re: The kid who had the Mexican connection, he said it was going to be his last post.
I saw he sent you the contact info. If you end up getting ********, would you let me know? I don’t really have a need for it myself, but as a strong proponent for euthanasia and adult suicide, I want to be able to point others in that direction if that is their wish. The worst could always happen to me as well with someone robbing me of my shotgun. I think the more options a person has the better, so I’m interested in a solid N contact if it works out for you.
Thanks for the post,
I just sent email to that one of the sellers from Cameroon, just to test if he can be trusted. So desperate to find ********. Seems like it is impossible. I actually live in Thailand, but it is not easy to get ******** as everyone thinks or as Peaceful Pill Handbook suggests.
@thatpersoniusedtobe: In terms of whether or not you can trust him, well, just consider this: everything he has said on this page was a lie. He even created two separate accounts to promote himself, yet denies it. I edited out his bullshit, but the fact is I already contacted him months ago. Back when I was trying to obtain ********, he told me he didn’t do in-person deals, yet came back here to say that *I* was lying about it.
Buying ******** will always be risky, but using him as a contact is taking that risk and multiplying it by a hundred. Don’t trust him. When you’re tossing your money around absolute confidence is required, otherwise you’re just falling for one of the easiest scams in the book. I would know because I’ve already fallen for it before. I’m going to edit out his contact info, because quite frankly I think he’s a sham. If I actually find a reputable source, I’ll mention it here.
Its hard to get N even in mexico now because of the strict rules there. I could procure some N as i got a legit dealer who could send it across to me. Obviously he was suggested to by one of my email friends, i paid him through paypal approximately 440 usd for 12 g,in case if anyone wants to talk to him his email id was un.chem at live dot com.
R. I. P. Letmesleep. Hope you’re at peace.
I tried buying from them. They advertised as being in Colombia.
When I asked the country of origin, they said Cameroon so I didn’t order .
I would have flown to Columbia to be sure of getting it,
And would take it there to avoid Customs trouble.
The Cameroon suppliers are scammers.
I have enough money left for one trip, and can’t afford to get scammed.
On another website it said Lima had tightened up on ********
I want a peaceful exit and am very confused as to availability.
I want to purchase personally.