I moved to a new city this month. New place, New school. New people… New Me…
I was pretty much forced to change my appearance and i was forced to hide my sexuality. I feel like a little doll made to please everyone, but i don`t. That school is a living hell for me. So many people that i don`t like so many people that ignore me… i try talking and try to make friendships, but everyone ignores me. It`s a huge school and i get very nervous around crowds and it terrifies me, the only thing that keeps me from having a breakdown is my music. I feel so alone in this world. the only thing i look forward to in the day is when i go to sleep. because it takes me away from reality. The sad reality that i have no one in this world. I go home to hear screaming and words or disapproval. And here i am on a Saturday, sitting in my room, on the verge of tears and wishing i could just die because i feel like i cant take this pain anymore. I just want to stand up and walk with confidence but how can i when all i hear is, “Fucking Freak!” and so on. I honestly believe the world would be better without me. It feels like i`m the enemy for everyone. No one seems to care if i`m alive or not. I don`t wanna do this i don`t wanna live … i don`t wanna be me! Why did i have to be me?! Why do people hate me so much?! What did i ever do to anyone else?!?! I`m afraid to die, but i don`t` wanna live. I just want someone who truly cares for me for me, not as another “suicidal teenage”. I don`t want someone who stays for 5 minutes and then leaves forever. But life isn`t fair… I just wanna rise above but everyone seems to pull me back down