I try to plan an effective way to kill myself, how to do so in a way that would still put my organs to good use, how to do so in a way that minimizes the chance of survival etc. etc. but as I am being comforted by my planning, the people I am close to in my life pop up in my mind. Then my resolve disappears.
I couldn’t do something like that to them, whether or not I manage to make it look like an accident. I’ve never experienced someone close to me dying so I have no idea how painful it actually is.
I try to justify still going through with my planning by saying to myself that they will move on eventually, but as people online have said, you never get over losing a child, a friend, a partner. People online say that the death of someone you love absolutely haunts you, that the weight of the grief, even after years, is still present.
But then, I say, what about me? What about the weight that I feel? What about the heaviness in my heart that never really goes away? The heaviness that I thought I could manage, that would go away if I made an effort. Now I think there really isn’t much I feel like living for. Who’s weight is/would be most detrimental? That I cannot know. I am at somewhat of a stalemate. (for this reason and another, which I should do another posting about?)
7 comments
While I support your right to die, suicide takes absolute commitment. It’s ok to feel ambivalent about doing it; suicide may not be the right decision for you right now. However indecision just keeps you in a place of pain.
So you don’t want to hurt your family, ok, that’s a good thing. That’s something that’s still worth living for for you. Everyone’s reasons for living or dieing are different, but for you, right now, there are people in your life that still really matter. I’d say roll with that.
I think the option of suicide keeps a lot of people in a cage of despair. When you think there may be a way to make all your pain go away instantly, you stop trying to work at fixing it. Right now it sounds like you aren’t emotionally ready to let go, and that’s ok. However, you’re wasting your energy thinking about something you’re not ready to do.
I would suggest abandoning suicide for now. Command yourself to stop thinking about it, because mediocrity is worse than death. Be determined to distract yourself and turn your thoughts away from suicide whenever you start to think about it. Right now you’re living in a zombie state – not living and not dead. This is a waste. Give life another shot by spending the energy you would on suicide on life.
A side note – are you properly medicated? When you speak of “heaviness that doesn’t go away”, that screams to me of chemical imbalance. I’m not going to lie, I’m in a different place than you. I’ve decided that the people in my life are not worth living for and I am mentally and emotionally prepared to die. For me the drive and commitment are there, but I still need an effective method. I’m working on that.
I mention my own issues because I’ve recently gone back on medication. While searching for death, I decided that my brain hurt too bad to keep refusing to take it. Being assaulted with that “heaviness” was too much to keep bearing, so I did myself a favor and started taking it again. It makes a huge difference. It doesn’t make me want to live, but it stops my brain from assaulting itself.
My only point here is that if you’re not properly medicated, you’re going to feel like absolute shit no matter what. Make sure you’re on the right medication; that may be enough to give you your life back.
Letmesleep,
Thank you so much for your reply. You make some very good points, especially about how I do not have the full commitment to kill myself yet. I do feel like a zombie a lot of the time. I also agree it is not productive to think about something you are not ready to do. I do try and distract myself and I continue doing what I have to get done (I’m in university with a pretty good GPA, I work part-time, I see friends occasionally etc.). I guess what gets discouraging is that the feeling always comes back. All the distractions are temporary. I seem to be drawn to the allure of death, because it is the alternative to life (which I do not have much hope for).
In terms of medication, yes I am properly medicated for bipolar disorder. What I am feeling is not related to my medication or condition, nor like anything I have felt in the past. This feeling has a different flavour to it. I’m not sure how to explain it, but I know it is not depression. However, I definitely think that the medication is preventing this from becoming a full-blown depressive episode.
I hope you are doing as well as you can at the moment. Thank you again.
please say your email to talk in private
maybe i have a solution for both
Hi abcg,
Thank you so much for your offer. I really appreciate it. I am going to keep my suicidal discussions on this forum until I am more committed to suicide.
Walking contradiction: I think probably many people here can relate to your struggle. I think LetMeSleep has made very cogent points. The first thing I wondered upon reading your post was whether or not you’ve received any treatment. Both medication and therapy can be enormously helpful for many people. Studies suggest that people who do both have the best outcomes. Some psychiatrists do therapy in addition to meds. Others work with psychologists or social workers who do the therapy part. I’m not “anti-suicide,” but because it is so final, and because living is all we know, it is worth making an effort toward getting well.
Thanks for your reply catchthebus.
I am in therapy and on proper medication, but I don’t trust the psychiatrist or the therapist with this issue. If i say I think of killing myself all the time, they will throw me in the hospital. (It has happened in the past, so I am not exaggerating). I haven’t told any of my friends or family because I don’t want them to worry.
This is something I have to deal with by myself. I’m really thankful there is a forum like this though where people understand!
abcg,
i’m not them but i’m always open to chat 🙂
recycling1000@ yahoo.com