The only advice I hear from my mother. I guess its my fault that I feel like this all the time, since 12 years of drug therapy and talk therapy had no effect on me. So my mom’s words have some logic to it.
I keep telling myself that I wasn’t meant to live this long, that I was destined for death a long time ago but got passed up somehow. I never had plans for a future where I aimed to have my own family, a job, and a house with a “white picket fence”. I was supposed to be dead, a distant memory for many.
So yes I am feeling sorry for myself, sorry that I haven’t died.
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Well, I sometimes feel like other people deserve more to live whereas I deserve none. It is not that I did anything awful in life. It is just that I see there are wonderful and inspirational people out there, beaming with brightness and hope, and yet hanging their life by a thread due to some mysterious life-threatening disease. And me..some poor sap with mental and depression problem. Can’t help ask myself “WTF is wrong with me?”
Anyway, I still feel that way from time to time, but fortunately, my life sank to the point where I suddenly realized that “well, I have lost everything..so there is nothing that stops me from doing anything in life…because I have nothing to lose anymore..and that I have everything to gain by doing something”
So…do something.. anything… even if it doesn’t make money. Learning a language.. …That’s what I am doing actually. I am learning Spanish while stumbling with R sound. Aside from that, I am priming myself with computer languages, like JavaScript and Python.. Any way, small successes here and there go a long way.. At least when the death does catch up to you, you can say.. “fuck it, at least I did something before I go.”