As much as I push people away, it might not seem like it but one of the things I hate the most is being alone. I hate the constant silence and the asphyxiated feeling of being on my own with my thoughts. I have to contemplate everything all by myself.Â
There is nothing to distract me, no one to provide answers. I often lie awake at night repeating the words, “I’m scared” over and over in my head. It’s not like the fear that comes from watching a horror movie. It’s the fear of knowing that I will always be this way. I can never escape my thoughts and the pain that travels with them.
Somehow I know I will always be alone to deal with this. I will never have anyone to hold my hand through the dark and help me to find my way out.
3 comments
hi,
even i go through a similar thing as you.even i hate to be alone with my thoughts.but i would just say that we need to be strong.hey listen if you don’t mind just do one thing.whenever you feel too alone then just mail me.i can definetly help you.means you can share things and i will try my level best to help you to rediscover your path where you don’t need anyone else but you yourself.
Have you seen anybody that could help treat that kind of anxiety and depression? I had to move in with a friend after my separation from my ex. I just could not be alone with my self hate all the time. Gradually the depression is getting better. My doctor put me on an antidepressant. Even though there are some bad days, it still helps. She gave me samples because I have no money. I hope things get better for you. Is there a mantra you can say to yourself to replace, “I’m scared”? Sometimes when I think over and over about how I want to die, I try to replace it with some other thought that is like “I know I can get through this, I am a tough old *****” or something like that and try to talk myself out of whatever negative thought I am having over and over all night. Sleep medicine helps me, sometimes, too coz being tired just makes everything seem worse…I hope this doesn’t sound obnoxiously cheery.I have to admit I am relieved my depression is not as bad as it was the past three or four days…my doc upped my cymbalta a bit and it has helped. I will be thinking of you and good thoughts your way. When you feel alone, please know there are people here thinking of you and wishing the best for you…
Hey,
I know how it feels to be alone. I know how scary it is.
I was orphaned by 13, and I was always pushed away by other people.
But I did push through, I found someone who held my hand. He kept holding it until he died.
Now, THIS, is being truly alone. I already know I’m going to kill myself, to be with him.
But you. You shouldn’t die. You don’t have anyone waiting up there. The person for you is still down here. I’m proof it’s possible to get through how you feel right now. Just hold on, for a little longer. Try and see, if you might find that person to hold your hand.
-IcelandicWolfie