why do they still haunt me?

i don’t really understand why i think about killing myself all the time. the feeling and thoughts don’t even derive from bad memories or events. they’re simply always there.

people tell me all the time to realize that my life isn’t bad, but that’s not the problem, im aware of that.

it’s just, i think i’m the problem. that I don’t deserve to be here. but what the fuck did i even do wrong?

i try my best to be respectable, i care about people who don’t even give two shits about me, others always come before myself. i try to be good, i think i am pretty decent.

so why do i hate myself?

it’s like im fully aware of all my good, i’m aware that i’m human and any mistakes i have made are just part of the process, but no matter what these thoughts haunt me.

i still think my cause of death, whatever age it may be, will be suicide. i’m okay with that. i’m okay if it’s today, tomorrow, in a year or twenty. i just can’t live with these thoughts, it ruins any good mood that i’m hardly in.

i’ve tried meditation. my good friend said shrooms have helped him, so i may try that. i don’t know what else to do! this is actually so frustrating..