Eternal Misery

damnit.  IDK where to start.  so much is racing through my head right now.  im completely fucked.  It’s unreal how horrible things can become.  So, I have this stupid belief that, yeah, i want to die, but it could be the last thing I ever do (assuming in death there is no afterlife…just in case) and it will only happen for real once…  I want to FEEL it.  None of the gun to the head crap (besides, you could always end up brain dead which is worse than life itself…[although, someone i once knew shot himself in the heart…  i think that takes guts]) but anyways this is my curse because well, i’m pretty much invincible…  people say that all the time, but i’ve survived too much.  I can’t overdose… on anything.  I can’t bleed out, i’ve severed arteries and i’m here to tell the tale.  i don’t want to hang myself because that kinda scares me.  btw, don’t think that taking enough pills regardless what it is, will kill you.  You might just end up like me in the hospital 3 days later with swollen organs and ulcers, and unbearable stomach pain.  I use to tell myself, every time i’d fail, that i’m here for a reason… there is a reason i didn’t die.  But the reality is, that i’m stuck here, to live a miserable life…  I hate people who seek sympathy and thats not what i’m doing.  Things won’t get better… and honestly i don’t want them to.  all hope is false hope.  I don’t really enjoy anything.  i sleep as much as i can… and when im awake i just get high so that i can go back to sleep.  The worst part about going to sleep though, is that every single time it happens, I WAKE UP.  Whether i’m passing out from the 3 bottles of sleeping pills i took or the loss of blood makes me lose consciousness, i always fucking WAKE UP!!!!  it’s bullshit.  And, the only person i have any feelings for, is my mother, that may sound wierd but she couldn’t handle it.  i’m a piece of shit, but the curse of a mother is that you’ll love your children no matter what.  But why should I have to live every day in misery because she can’t handle my death?  time heals all wounds right?  WHY can’t she see that this is what I want, the only thing I want, and I will never be happy.  Yeah i’ve got a sad story of the time I came to realize that the world was shit, along with everything and everyone in it.  but I will spare you the details, because it doesn’t really matter.  You can’t trust a fucking soul in the world, there are always selfish motives.  But whatever…  I use to think that if I put my mind to it, I could do something here, with my life…  help people, write a story, leave a mark.  SOMETHING to help someone else.  In my opinion, life is meaningless no matter what you do, and to me that meant that if i didn’t do things for others, then my life would be more pointless than it already is.  if you’re living for yourself… you might as well be dead.  I fucking give up.  But now, with all said and done, the closest thing to a mark that I will leave, is this stupid post.

I’m fucked.  I’m a walking corpse.  I’m already dead.