Just not feeling it

Hi everyone. This is meant as a place to write down how I’m feeling rather than expecting the problem to be helped. With that said, here goes.

I’ve been depressed for about 6 years now. The best way to describe my overall emotional state is that there is this complete lack of happiness in my life. More specifically, I have a very low opinion of myself as well as frequent, extreme feelings of apathy, guilt and hopelessness. I used to think that it was related to a long term toxic relationship with an ex-girlfriend, but it’s been going on for so long that at this point, I’m really unsure of what started it or why it continues on. All I know is that ever since then, I have felt unhappy.

Shortly after, I began to feel physically ill. Ill means, in this case, extreme exhaustion, constant lightheadedness, headaches and digestive problems. These symptoms are viciously persistent and I have not, even for a minute, felt completely relieved of them since they started. I’ve been to multiple doctors who have said there not only is there nothing wrong with me, but that I am in perfect physical health. I’m unsure if feeling sick is causing my depression to continue on or if how I feel is simply a result of my depression.

I don’t have much to note in way of accomplishments. I am a college graduate, who because of the onset of these issues, had taken 7 years to obtain a useless degree. I have been single since 2008. I will admit that a large portion of this is my own fault as I either don’t posses the self esteem or drive to approach woman in the first place, or when the opportunity presents itself, I turn it down because I feel that trying to engage in a meaningful relationship would be unfair to the woman in my current mental and physical state. I work 60 hours a week at 2 jobs. I’ve had the retail job since I was 18 (for about 9 years now) while I recently acquired the office job 5 months ago. The retail job causes acute stress due to it’s overwhelming, hectic nature while at the office job, I feel as if I’m not well liked, that I don’t fit in and that I under perform and make too many mistakes. Each and every morning I wake up, feeling as if I’d been hit by a truck, dreading the thought of going to work at either jobs, but only doing so to go through the motion of “living my life”. This same rule follows on the now rare occasion that I go out with my friends. My symptoms have exacerbated since working a second job.

I feel as if nobody understands me, or even believes that I don’t feel physically feel well. I’ve mentioned on a few occasions to a couple of friends and family that I’m depressed and ill, but they either don’t seem to care about it or they don’t believe or understand what I’m saying.

It’s almost as if it’s pointless for me to be here, as I am not currently, nor does it look like in the future, that I will enjoy my life OR contribute something beneficial to society. I’m simply existing on this earth with no purpose, and I quite honestly can’t remember how it feels to not feel sick or how it feels to be happy. I constantly think of ways that I could commit suicide to relieve myself of the stress, depression and emptiness that I feel in my life. I’m unsure if I would actually go through with this, as I am probably too much a coward, but I have found myself more frequently thinking about and researching  the least painful and quiet ways to end my life.

Before anyone says anything – I know that other people have it much worse. I know there are those who are dying of starvation, those who are being bullied and tortured in unimaginable ways and those who don’t have a place to call home.  This fact makes it so much harder for me to believe that I cannot comprehend why, at least in part, that I can’t relieve myself of this problem.

If anyone actually read all this, thanks for listening.