I’m 23 and its been an incredibly long and tedious life to live so far. So many problems I’ve faced and am still facing. I’m fed up of its. It’s not how I wanted my life to be. I’ve always tried my upmost to be a good and decent person, I think I’ve failed myself somewhere down the years. All my problems have been caused by myself. I’m to blame.
ive cut myself off from my family, narcissistic mother ruined lifeline when I was younger, I made the decision to not let her destroy it anymore.
my boyfriend, he’s great, I call him names and get angry with him, but he is great. He constantly thinks I’m cheating on him, i when I’m not and it angers me, it really does. He doesn’t trust me, (I admit to speaking to someone else last summer but nothing more than that and not with anyone else) and that was put on me by my horrible witch of a mother. He’s great but he doesn’t understand where I am at, if I get angry so does he Which only riles me up even more which will result in me smashing something or harming myself.
thing is, I’m so utterly fed up of life, I’m not 100% sure why, as confusing as it is. All I know is that when I’m awake I think about suicide or like tonight I cut myself and watch the blood drip out, try to beat the drips the following day. When I’m asleep I dream of dying, various ways, murdered by the backwards woman who visits me a lot in my dreams, changing, fire, drowning and even a bleach smoothie has all been dreams.
my life and my existence is meaningless, pointless and I’m hopeless to even try and make it any better. I want to sleep and never wake up. Delete the problems. The only way to do that is to delete the cause of the problem. Me.
i have 32 paracetamol, not including my cold and flu tablets of which I have 10 which also contain paracetamol, so 42 in all, which I intend to take at some point this weekend. I want to smile again. I want to be happy, I want things to be as they once were, good.
wouldn’t it be great if someone asked how’s life? And you could smile and say, it’s great! Well when I die that’s what I can do and say, because there will be no more pain, just goodness.
3 comments
Hi Sarah. I’m sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now. It doesn’t sound like you really want to die, but that you want someone to help? Do you have any friends or family who can help you deal with your pain and problems? I think you have to talk to your boyfriend and explain to him that you are not cheating on him. You need emotional support. Please don’t overdose on those pills.
Your right, I don’t want to die, I just can’t live.
No family what so ever. Just my other half. We’ve spoken at length. His advice is “you need professional medical help”
I am here to find people like minded that perhaps understand what im going through. Perhaps I can help others and in turn that will help myself, perhaps.
The pills are there as a last resort. Carefully calculated dosage also, as I’m only petite. Practically guaranteed..
sarahsuicidal,
very sorry about how things are going 🙁 i felt the same way a few months back, and i did exactauly what you are talking about “Perhaps I can help others and in turn that will help myself, perhaps.” and it worked! i have postpond my going away party! people are here helped me and i hope i’ve helped them it seems like i have 🙂 i am an older man and i’d be happy to talk with you about what your going thru if you care chat with me 🙂 my email is
recycling1000 @yahoo.com