I don’t want “periods” where I am clean. I want to be clean forever. I don’t want the blades on my skin anymore. I don’t want the panic when all is said and done. I don’t want to see the blood. I don’t want to have to hide parts of my body anymore. I don’t want all these bad things, yet I continue to do them. No matter how many times I think I’m cured, I’m not. Am I trying to kill myself? Would I ever? I’m not ever sure of the point of this post.. Answers? Advice? No idea….
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I don’t think that answers truly exist, they’re just an idea to keep going while we search for them. And I’m not in a position to give you any advice or profound wisdom or anything, but I can be here for you if you need anything…so that’s what I’ll do.
*keep us going
I wish I could give you some advice, but I’ve never really understood people who harm themselves in such a way. If someone really wants to end it all, there’s no sense in prolonging it in that way.
It’s not to kill themselves.
Maybe that’s why you’re confused.
Some people mutilate themselves
because they feel horrible inside.
Seeing the cuts/burns/bruises gives
A little comfort to them.
No, that’s not that reason I’m confused about it at all. Besides, wanting to kill yourself or not, it still makes zero sense for anyone to think about doing such a silly thing. Whether the reason is just a cry for help, to feel some kind of control in their life, a distration from emotional pain, or whatever it is. It makes as much sense to me as the reason anyone would bother to do drugs, smoke, or be a drunk. There’s no reason, or excuse that could make me comprehend something so ridiculous.
I completely understand your confusion, when I talk about it with certain friends, they say the same you do. In my opinion, self mutilation isn’t “ridiculous” its coping. It’s kinda like when someone is upset and they cry, it releases the bad feelings. Personally, I didn’t intend on becoming a “cutter”. I did it by accident once, and it just became a habit. It’s like any other sort of addiction. It’s hard for you to understand because you haven’t felt the same emotions as people who have cut do. I’m sorry if this doesn’t help, it’s just my perspective.
As far as cutting goes, I’ve stopped, but I put out my cigars on my hand now…it’s less obvious but it gets the job done. The only difference is that people assume that you’re trying to be a bad ass, but I never need to hide any scars.
patpat