Every night and every day I think about one person. We broke up over a year ago, one and a half years ago to be exact, but I still about him. I tell myself it’s for the best, that he deserves to be happy, that by letting him go, not bothering him, not calling him, that it would be for the best for him and for me. I disappeared from his sight, forced myself to stop looking at his profiles, pictures and rid myself and my home of everything that reminds me of him. I forgave myself for the mistakes that I have done, forgave him for the things he said to me on that last day we were together. “Go fuck yourself” he said to me, a phrase that I may never forget. But I still forgive him, for I wasn’t a saint myself during our relationship. He was angry, hurt and annoyed at me, for failing to change. Failing to show any kind of promise, failing to show anything worth staying for. But I did love him in my own way, but I guess we were no longer on the same tune.
I forgave myself and him, but why is this pain still here. This persistent pain that weighs my heart down. Why do my thoughts still gravitate towards him, when all I ever receive is more pain? Why are we inclined to love others only to be tormented and punished for losing it? I’ve done everything I could to get my old peaceful self back but why can’t I see that goal? I want to be more happy, to have some sense of normalcy again, but each night and each day my thoughts linger towards my self destruction. I think about shooting myself, jumping off a building or overdosing on medication. I want to die to end this pain, but I realized something, I am to much of a coward to go through with it. I also realize that I cling to life because of hope. Hope of being normal again. I keep thinking that tomorrow will be better, that this pain will go away, that it’s just around the corner. That I will love someone else again. But none of those has happened yet.
It hurts a lot, everyday. I break down everyday. Just breaking down on the floor crying for a few seconds. Sometimes, the tears do not come. Just emptiness and sadness while I sit on the floor. With no family to turn to, friends are too far away to talk with, therapy not working, I’m finding it harder and harder to hold on.
3 comments
I hear you. There’s no pain quite like that of a shattered heart. *hugs*
Sometimes I think I might be feeling a little better, and I dare to test the pain… it’s still there, always there, there’s no shutting it off, distraction doesn’t lessen it…nor does the passage of time. And the thing that comforts is the only thing that will end it. Of course, it also ends everything else… you’re not a coward — it’s fucking scary.
First of all, thank you for the e-hug. *Hug* It’s not very often that I post stuff about my personal life, so it means a lot to me you replied. In some ways I’m glad that there is someone that can relate to my situation, even though I’m sure there are lots of people in the same position as me. And yes, it is scary but also tempting.
Aww you’re welcome, I have more if you want ’em *hug hug hug*
There are many on this site who can relate, judging by some of their posts. Too bad they don’t all check this site all the time. Or maybe that’s good, if they’re feeling better and have moved on? Hang in there.