Quietly.

I last posted here in October, when I was feeling terrible.

Things were a little better for a while. I was coping with coursework, I felt like I was becoming more than a mass of sobbing ridiculousness. Christmas was nice. It’s the first nice Christmas I’ve had since… actually, I don’t remember the last nice one. This one was the best.

I’m still sick of disappointing. No matter how I try, I’m not trying hard enough. The father still hates me. The mother is still too far away. My siblings are all still worth so much more. One is a shining example of a man. One is a beautiful, perfect mother despite all the anger she used to have in her. One is so beautiful I’ll never compare. One is so successful that none of my achievements are achievements. One is much nicer to be around. One was much braver than I, and done away with himself a long time ago. I miss him, because I know he was much better than he thought of himself. If he’d been the coward out of the two of us, I’d be gone, and he’d be figuring out how to be the greatest person ever by now.

I’ll never compare.

No matter what I do, I’m the fat one. The ugly one. The awkward one. The one without children. The one with a strange job. The weird one.

My university timetable has worked out, really. I get three days in the house on my own.

Since Wednesday I’ve been taking my boyfriend’s old medication. He doesn’t need it anymore. I’m so proud of him. When we got together, he was homeless and one morphine, riddled with anxiety and depression and was borderline schizophrenic. Funny how he’d turned around. He’s clean, happy, gorgeous, healthy. He even looks after schizophrenics now. It’s his job. It must be nice for him to look at them and think ‘that’s not me anymore’. I almost went broke taking care of him. But I’m glad I did.

I just hope he understands that he can do so much better. He’ll find someone perfect once I’m done.

Anyway, it’s the third day. I phase in and old of feeling awake.

I’m hoping this will shut me down. I’ve had almost 90, but maybe because I’m taking it so slow, it won’t work.

We’ll see.

I just want to go.