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what am i supposed to be? wolverine? what is this advanced healing and regeneration? and if my body is capable of such feats than why doesn’t my mind share this uncanny ability to heal itself? because i would certainly like to forget all this accumulating pain. if this book is about NDE’s (near death experience) you will hear them. i have several. and now with that tylenol overdose… which i remember very well… i couldn’t stand anymore. i could feel the pills exploding one by one in my chest. vomiting non stop for the occasion, i tried again to stand but knees crumpled instantly beneath my failing frame. everything was spinning and god, it felt good! honestly, i was happy to leave this awful ridiculous place they call reality. suddenly i could feel the freedom seeking spirit separating itself from useless flesh and i was relieved! how good this was! shortly thereafter i went unconscious, smiling assured in finality proud of this inevitable demise… but how disappointing.
sometime later i simply woke up right back in the same vomit ridden filthy body that i thought i had left for good. “no way!” i must have shouted it, in utter disbelief, alone dying in the shallow wood. what had happened? i’m right back here in the same fucking place the same fucking body. and i was still retching and gagging, vomit stains slowly soiling all of my clothes my shirt and jeans, and the grass below. reality began to sink in, laying in the shallow wood, not far from places like police stations and hospitals and home base for other societal servants who would eagerly disrupt my plans. so i realized i would have to contemplate a new solution. and suddenly a new development. pain.
intense and unexpected, a stabbing feeling in my abdomen coupled with a specifically located burning ache radiating outwards in sporadic bursts from the small of my back. it was becoming excruciating and for sure, as i was speaking aloud previously, i was now whimpering aloud. no longer did i have strength of consciousness to know idea exactly where i was, the severity of the situation, or even what time it could possibly be. i only perceived the dead of night, to be dead this night! briefly i thought about how much i hated nature and insects but none of that mattered now. in fact the buzzing of some overzealous flies could be heard in the near distance as if they knew they would soon have a place to deposit their eggs. a massive meal for their children. that hated nature was hungry for my sacrifice, desiring my body as an awesome offering. but the miraculous miracle of the human mind? or the curse of an overactive ego? the pain sensors were becoming overwhelmed and forcing me to take some action. finally the image of being half dead, discovered by some school kids and revived only to live life in some insane asylum as a prisoner? well that motivated me. i would have to call off the mission and seek some assistance. but i assured myself like i can assure you, i am resigned to the task and openly dedicated. next time will be even more intense. i thought about one of my favorite quotes- forwards ever backwards never…. so next time with a real weapon, and not an attempt. i want instant satisfaction: and a gun shouldn’t be too hard to procure.
of course this twisted hot topic will leave many in the darkness. but to understand you have to know i was already half dead if not more. if you believe in anything beyond materialism then you might recognize a battered soul pummeled into submission. you might recognize when the guillotine sounds humane. because this is more like final exit and pulling the plug and other ethical arguments that come to pass. everything comes to pass, everything has to pass. who decides when? fate? ourselves? at one point do we humanely end the plight of others? the tortured? the burn victims? the terminally ill? what is your threshold for mercy?
to know this story you must know me and i am a strange impossibility. my life is a deranged tale of close calls sometimes amazing sometimes truly deadly. there is never a dull moment and the threshold is always in danger of being exceeded.
welcome to the book of PAIN sometimes previously hinted at as the book of the dead but often commonly known as the book written in THE RED. it was written in blood, with a careful grip, even though out flows that blood drip drip drip. so now heed these words carefully and i clearly forewarn reading these pages that many of our truths shall soon be revealed. let it be known that the spirit the universe will soon be unleashed and with the help of horus, isis and osiris shall the dastardly deeds of the magnanimous again be invoked. let us let their demons and their angels who watch from the sky let us let it it be that they might soon be provoked. the knowledge you gain here might start a downwards path for yourself, and when slithering down that spiral staircase… know that its your mind thats defeating all thoughts of righteousness and good nothing else. embrace everything that life has to give – including the pain of the moment the pain of the game. why else is there war and heartbreak and all other vehicles that are so viciously insane. the irony is that the book of the dead has nothing to do with death because upon facing death we do not die, and the masters the buddahs and gurus and priests they don’t want to tell you the truth – that the power of power is not really a strength. they know that life is worthless a fleeting moment of self righteous behavior don’t worry when you die you will be right back. just like them. again and again the only mystery left is leaving you calm and clean and preferably with a machievelliean senses of cynical energy. isn’t this the final truth about life already we know life is just death in reverse. it happens in slow-mo high speed and somehow its a very slow decay of your mental senses and physical beauty! the truth is frightening, we are just human BEings fragile out of control minds — made out of clay.
now half of us have the circumstances that makes us believe, believe in something good… but the other half has experience that no one ever should. think about all the homeless and poor, the children who starve without a second glance all while those of the classes desperately try to justify their luck with quantum positivity shopping malls and yoga classes. the truth is a sick joke and the ego is the master he sits on your shoulder and whispers in your brain mostly they are lies but there is one thing based in fact he says each and every one of us is surely in hell. there is no freedom of choice or was there ever a chance and for certain there is never a way to escape. for we are all infinitely flawed as infinite as stars infinite as ants the people themselves as individuals we don’t stand a chance.
i am the philosopher who wants to do it well and whether you like me or not, only time will ever tell but regardless of your preference it doesn’t stop the truth. laugh at this place nothing so serious here cause its already decided we are living in hell. because bloated pain bodies in horror corrode that new earth feeling where we happen to dwell… then there is personal choice but that it is ridiculous at best and so they say that we should persevere our spirit in life? but thee masters don’t share in fact they suppress that when you die you simply don’t impress- u come right back- but to where? for now, i digress…
… because everyone wants to write cute little stories about vampires and werewolves and games in the woods but the truth is the truth the message is clear and if media is the fuse so let this book be the bomb. what happened to u? where are the real writers, the ones who embrace contrast in life maybe this is a game and maybe i could call out fiction, but it is based on life therefore maybe we could abbreviate this to the fiction LIFE.
with that power comes danger, the danger of darkness and the danger of hate and if you choose to ignore this you might be alright. but not for that long because this is the awakening, the mission has finally been realized. you must look closely at your life experience and embrace whats around you — if it is only the chaos and darkness prevailing well then you know WHO is choosing you as a friend… don’t be afraid. to be recruited by the dark lord… is that what this is? YES. don’t u know there is no difference sometimes between whats black and the light? we must celebrate that blackness as it appears in our hearts and rail against the foolishness of these stupid aging stalwarts.
empower yourself for that is all that matters not your friends or your family– it is all about you– everything else manifests straight out your brain creations u made to keep you safely “sane” and in the infinite wisdom of the so called masters they decided to tell you it isn’t– that we are all connected… and yes that might be true but we are only connected in the sense that its true. if the universe was not flawed then there would be no separation no ego no human existence therefore we are sons and daughters of eve afflicted with afflictions like SNAKES and disease and… please please! wont you please???
…you can beg to be saved but the truth is you wont. nobody will, the end of days wasn’t one specific time but something that happens to each of us, and thats always happening all of the time!
the real quantum physics is that everything in your life, every blade of grass every form of life will try to stop you from dying they want to see u old sick and hopefully u will even be crying! because they are selfish and full of desire they know when you go they perish as well, and as far as i know much to selfish to explain anything about our infinite lives… endless repeating over and over again and again it burns in the mind there should be no regrets not ever!!! not for our kind.
MY GIRL IS A WILD MAKO SHARK…
in my case, what to do if you are half eaten by a shark? do you fall in love with your predator as its black eyes roll back with each bite. what if it swims away without you… leaving your half eaten torso to contemplate the end? how can you leave me how can you say you want to live without me? finish the job my lovely shark or i will do it myself. and i did. this time i did it as best i could and i’m still in the hospital 3 weeks later but… will make a full recovery. incredible! but what isn’t’ printed on the outside or seen by biologists in my bloodwork is the truth. i will never recover and that shark knows it. she looked for me… stalking me frantically when i could not be reached. i thought it was romantic but its just a beautiful man eating shark looking for one more delicious bite from her favorite meal. and now that she knows how i am doing, and where i am. the greedy shark purses its lips and grins, it dives down into the depths and prepares itself for the hunt. it may seem outwardly she no longer cares. but such is the nature of my lovely shark. she will be back for more, another tasty bite. as long as i’m bleeding and there… i’m her favorite meal.
what do you do when A SHARK BITES YOUR ARMS. well then don’t be so foolish! don’t put your arms in her mouth! you will certainly lose functionality of your arms. first of all fool of fools, what are you doing in the ocean, ahhh.. sea. excuse me but the shark insists upon calling it a sea. how clever considering it was the shark who told me to swim, that there was no danger of sharks in these waters. and in the psychic sense, that is the uncanny sense of strangeness raining down your veins, here are some themes for you to digest. we can discuss spirituality, its obviously a matter of life and death because if you over think the analysis you are sure to suffer silently. for those who fall in love with sharks, prepare to be shark food!
now what? shark? what shall you do to me??
and the truth it does not matter. because it was the shark that told you the sea was safe in the first place, the one that keeps attacking you and eating your energies. cause swimming in the water is always taking a risk. what was not previously revealed was my conversation with the cosmic forces who scoffed at my intentions of personal sacrifice. the right cause or woman would be worth it certainly, but the one you choose is absolutely ridiculous. in fact we sincerely apologize for ever matching you to her. our mistake, friendly soul, please forgive us your painful experience. but do you not see that your love has always been pure and how has she responded? she has hurt you…. physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, affected your career and lifestyle, and changed your energy for the worst. and not just once but over and over again. she has put you in a hospital 4x times directly and directly each time she was the cause… shark bite verdict. vast amounts of damage to your mind and body, do you want to come in the sea now? swim swimmer, get out!! while you still can, take my word and leave the water. but i want the truth, and reluctantly, they tell me. they have to: she loves you. that shark. she loves you deeply, more deeply than we can comprehend, much the way you do to her. but somehow isn’t it better for both of u, to be apart, for the sake of life, for the sake of your children, know that yours is a love that will never end. be satisfied with that and go on with life.. for even when we’re safely away on land, that shark still prowls, her beautiful fin glistening in the morning sun, curious and curious and curiously the water is still, and that explosion in the atmosphere is unavoidably near. do u want to be my muse? is that what you crave? i love you, my sleek sexy beautiful shark. please, anything from you love me, hate me, and bite me… as hard as you can…. please!!!
because even as they pump the life back into my veins, and try to repair the destruction i have wholeheartedly and sure-handly self-delivered i know a few family members may have noticed, they point to the calm blue sea and yell shark!!! shark!!! somebody do something… yet she will not go away – she still buzzes around you like some savage fly hell bent on transmitting the killing blow or at least, transferring her psychological disease. its not the sharks fault hunted, abused by her parents , former lovers… what do i have to do with that shark? why do you keep calling me? im not your fucking toy. in fact, im afraid of sharks i always have been but god dammit. our worst fears we have to embrace and accept to be whole. and the truth is that this one is the PURfect. this one is real.
and she, my beloved shark has no real deep interest in anything but herself. she swims and eats usually at the beach. the best beaches of that so called innocent sea, mind you. she circles and laughs and denies responsibility again and again and sadly yet again. this silly little shark is adult and experienced but it doesn’t like to think that way, instead it chooses child and cant act its age. just have a nice time. at any expense, at YOUR expense, my lover my meal. i eat you, limb from limb i tear the flesh from your soul i do this out of love, i love what the universe brings to me. and it brought me you, to enjoy and devour… although i love you, i will not be with you, you foolish soul, because you are my meal. i am a shark and to me. you mean nothing– your career means nothing. i enjoyed the way you taste. but when you are gone, i will be remorseful like a restaurant that i haven’t been able to go back to, i will remember you with love, but soon, my darling. i will be hungry and i will surely start to eat someone else.
bcd to my psyche, back to the author! don’t u think that upsets me? don’t you have any compassion for you are hurting my deeply. but my love i am biting you and freeing you from your body, i love you forever my darling u are my meal.
and for you who read this, be warned… love is dying. that is the great change in society. individualism is in. all spiritual philosophies and psychological studies say the same thing concentrate on the self, everything is temporary except for you, everything dies, everything changes, true love is a joke. how sad people. it wasn’t me bleeding in the woods, covered in dirt and filth and vomit and filled with sorrow for the love i lost, anticipating the explosions in my stomach one by one and knowing the end would soon come. it never did. so there is a message. love is not worth dying for. you are not worth dying for, no matter who you are. but I AM worth whatever i choose. and if i choose to move? therefore i am immortal. now i feel a wide range of emotions, mostly pity… for my shark, because she will never, EVER have another taste. because… we r going out again.