I thought I was on my way to overcoming the sadness but it seems I was wrong. I feel so so so so alone and also unbelievably numb but somehow really sad all at the same time and I can’t really explain how bad I feel right now, just that it’s been a while since I was this low and that yesterday I cut over the almost completely healed scars on my thighs. I don’t even really know why I did it, I think I just like seeing the evidence, seeing that my inner pain can be converted and can mark me on the outside too, but just for me to see. My cuts and scars are for me and nobody else, and no matter how tempting the completely smooth completely pure skin on the underside of my forearm is, I will always try to stop myself because I refuse to make my pain visible to anyone but me.
I am sad and I am selfish and I want nothing more than to be held for hours and hours until I stop wanting to destroy myself. I want to be able to wake up each day and be fairly sure that I will not end the day after 2 AM the next morning with crying and nothing but my pillow to hold me. I am alone and I don’t know how to reach out for people because that is not me:Â I am the fearless ***** who always has words, that’s my thing. I cannot let anyone know that when I am alone I fall to pieces and dream of a future that will never be mine if I carry on destroying everything and myself and crying myself to sleep. I want to be okay again, I don’t want to die but a part of me believes that my death will make the pain stop, despite the illogically selfish nature of that statement.
I just want to be okay.
4 comments
I understand, i feel sad and alone every day and night too, there’s nobody i can turn too, and i barely feel anything anymore.
You need to stop cutting yourself first, ok?
Is there someone to hold you for hours and hours like you say you need? Because you need to find physical comfort near you, neither i or someone else here can be there for you, as much as i want to help.
Don’t think so bad of yourself, get distracted with something you like, or someone, ok? 🙂
I feel exactly the same way! I find a small level of comfort coming here, and yet nothing can remove the pain of being completely unwanted in the physical world. No one touches me, not for days on end, no physical contact, forgotten by everyone I thought was a friend, guess I’ve pushed them away or they can’t cope with me any more, mistook a friendship for more and have lost that, my family just don’t care, they have their own lives, so it’s just me, only me, alone, always alone. I just want it to stop. I truly hope that there is no afterlife, the nothingness of dreamless sleep I would welcome with open arms right now, if it was easy. No one would miss me. I wouldn’t need a funeral as there would be no one to come! I just want out. That’s all. An end. If no one wants me what is the point to life??? Sorry, I don’t mean to ramble on, but I understand and I empathise! At least we can come here, it’s the only time I feel understood. I have been feeling pretty much ok since the new antidepressants, but not now. Not now.
I feel exactly like you do! I would give 10 years of life to spend 1 year with someone who could be with me and love me every single day and night of our lives.
I gotcha there. Anything I could do?