how did i stumble here? I have no idea. I honestly found this page on accident last night, I wasn’t even looking up anything slightly related to suicide but I suspect I found it for a reason. This is my suicide letter.
I die every single day. I walk through the halls and realize that nobody likes me. I come home to my boyfriend’s house every day because my mom kicked me out and doesn’t care enough to tell me to come home. I sit in a pool of self-hatred. Depression follows me as I walk. I’m sitting here crying because he isn’t even home and I shouldn’t be here. I haven’t seen a friend out of school in months. I don’t even have friends, haha what am I talking about. Who the fuck am I? I’m weak. I’m so fucking weak. I have “fuck up” carved in my arm. I have bruises all over my body from fighting with my boyfriend. The rest of my family hasn’t said they miss me or that they hope i’m okay or that I could stay with them. I wasted all my life being in and out of relationships with boys I never even loved. I don’t know if I’m capable of love. Everyone is better than me. I work a five dollar an hour job ten hours a week. I have senior week to pay for. I have to pay to get my car fixed. I have to support my addiction. I have no money. I have scars all over my arms. I am an ugly person inside and out. Nobody ever wants to help me when I ask. I have so many walls up so nobody can see how badly i’m hurting. he tells me to hide my scars, he made fun of me for trying to kill myself after we fought. he calls me crazy. he tells me i’m ungrateful and that i have no friends because i’m a *****. I can never win an argument with him. I always feel like a complete fucking asshole and idiot when we’re done. I want my mom to come get me, i want her to hug me and tell me that it’s all okay. I want my dad to reach out. i want one of my siblings to want to see me. Maybe I am attention seeking. I just want some affection, I want people to actually listen when I talk. It’s been the worst seventeen years. Foster care, alcoholics, drug addicts, failing high school, unhealthy relationships, no lasting relationships, perpetual hopelessness. I hate who I am entirely, there is no cure for that. I have to live a life I hate every single day because I’m crazy if I want to die, because it’ll hurt everyone else, because I haven’t found the right way out yet. I’m scared for me, why isn’t anybody else?
2 comments
my story isnt at all similar to yours however i also hate everything that i am. a lot of what you said rings true for me too. im sorry that you suffer so badly and i wish that i could take the pain from you. but you dont want to hear me say that. it feels like nobody cares but you’ve just stumbled upon the community of people who are just like you AND we care about you.
The reason I am replying to your post is because I care… I have learned something from my experiences with people in the past that if they don’t care about me then they aren’t important to me. I made myself more important than anyone I ever knew and things started to fall into the right places with time. The people I consider in my life important and worth mentioning are the one’s who care about me, even if it’s a stranger. I’m sorry for what you are going through…I hope things get better soon.