What have I done?

I think we should all take a moment to think about how the choices we make affect everyone around us. When my sister chose to sneak out and do drugs, smoke cigarettes and get pregnant, she wasn’t thinking about the arguing that I had to deal with when she wasn’t around. I listened to my parents scream at each other nonstop over disagreements on how to discipline her. She didn’t realize what it was like for me to wake up to cops knocking on the door at 2 in the morning bringing her home. She never apologized for the panic attacks that occurred within me every single time someone raised their voice after dealing with the yelling between her and my parents. It didn’t end for 4 years and when it was over I was left with unrepairable damage. I promised myself to never forget to think of others when I made choices. Today, I realized I am a hypocrite. I went out to dinner with my friend and we talked about my eating disorder recovery and slight relapse. She told me that the other day she was watching a show with a girl with an eating disorder who reminded her of me, the girl said things similar to the things I had told her while I was starving, in the show the girl died just as she appeared to be doing better. My friend told me that she broke down in tears, insisting she call me and make sure I was okay, but it was 3 in the morning and her boyfriend wouldn’t let her. He told her I was fine, I was alive and well, but she said she just had this feeling like she needed to hear my voice to make sure I was okay. As she told me this story I felt extremely guilty, I put my friends through hell last year and at the time I didn’t even care. I remember now making her promise not to let anyone call my parents if I passed out at practice. I told her she had to wake me up and not let anyone know. I remember her holding back tears as she agreed. I threatened to never eat again if she told on me for any of it. I woke up one day in the backseat of her car on the way home from practice, we were at a gas station and she was on the phone with her mom, her words still make me sick “She’s in my car and she won’t wake up! Mom I’m scared! Mom she hasn’t eaten! ..Is she going to be okay? What if she dies?” Tonight at dinner I asked her about that night, she said that she was terrified I was dead. She continued to tell me about her ultimate decision to tell the school counselor and how she decided that my life was more valuable than our friendship, so if I had hated her, at least I would have my life. What kind of a person am I, to make my friend have to choose between my life and our friendship? Now all I can think about is my overwhelming thoughts of suicide. No one knows, I’ve been careful not to tell anyone, but if I did take my own life, that choice would affect everyone around me. The irony in my life is amazing, I made a promise to never make a choice without thinking about the repercussions to others, but in the meantime I put everyone around me in an awful situation. I haven’t been thinking about how the choices I make affect others at all, but I think it’s time I start.