What now?

I don’t know what’s going on in my life.  I feel so emotionally dead.  Occassionally I feel small flickers of happiness, but it feels weird and stale…it doesn’t seem real.  The only feelings I experience are sadness, disappointment, and anger.  But most of the time I’m just existing, dull and monotonous.  And what’s messed up is that I know that there’s really nothing going on that should make me feel this way.  My parents are still together, I make good grades, I have plenty of friends, I have plenty of talents.  It just feels like nothing matters.  It’s all going to go away anyways.  I’m tired of trying to feel better.  I used to be more of a fighter, but it made no difference so I just stopped trying.  It’s really ironic that people think I’m one of the most cheerful, motivating, and happy people in my school.  I’m sick of having no one really care about me.  Everyone is so shallow.  I don’t know what to do.  I really want to die and make it all go away.  I’m just too much of a wimp to follow through with it.  I used to cut everyday…I haven’t cut in 41 days but I still crave it all the time.  What do I do?  I don’t know.  I just need something; some fuel or something to get me the extra mile.  I feel exhausted from my life.  Nobody seems to care anyways.  Why am I here?  I want to die.  I usually just hope I’ll die in my sleep.  But as you can see, that hasn’t happened….yet.