I told myself when I was 16 that I would go through with suicide if things didn’t get better. I’m twenty now, and things are roughly the same, despite some realizations.
People are good people, not everyone hates me as soon as they meet me!
I can make something (more) of myself if I try!
Self pity and these stupid thoughts are the things that truly ruined my life, not my semi-abusive parents and upbringing!
But still I can’t stop thinking about killing myself, daily. I’ll smack myself, bite, claw at my skin if I make a mistake and people aren’t around. I have friends, but I don’t enjoy having them; talking to anyone creates too much anxiety for me, and I’m too shy to show people who I really am and how I think. People treat me like a kid because I look and act like someone much younger, but in reality I am pretty dark and serious.
I want to live a very honest life with honest people, where people care about respecting each other and living up to long term goals and values.
I want to have open conversations with people about important things (even if what we’re saying is stupid/misguided sometimes) as well as silly things, instead of being immersed in small talk, always. I wish I had a normal childhood. I wish I wasn’t exposed to shows like Bratz and Sixteen and made fun of in school for wearing longer skirts.
I hate this life, and I feel unbearably stupid and clumsy. My chief concern is whether I am actually capable of making something of myself, or if I am doomed to be a failure. What is the point in going on if I can’t be independent, debt free, happy, respected? I’ve started to accomplish things, but am I capable of completing them?????? I can’t even keep a cell phone for longer than four months or land a summer job, geez.
If I died the pain would finally end. But you also can’t have happiness without pain.
1 comment
yes the pain would end