where do i go from here???

Hi all,

I’ve only just discovered this page but I am at one of the lowest points of my entire life…

I went through a trauma when I was younger that I am not yet ready to talk about but for as long as I can remember I have always let it shape who I am… After reading about PTSD and it’s symptoms I am now sure that this is what I have.

I have always typically been a loner, except for high school when I had a medium-sized group of friends… I have always been unenthusiastic about things, especially things I genuinely have an interest in…. It’s like my subconscious doesn’t want me to be happy.

Joining the full-time work force at 19; I started to feel happier with myself because I felt this sense of self-worth and accomplishment. After a failed relationship where I proposed to try and make it work. (It was my first “love”) – the word love is in brackets was because I thought this girl was my only really chance at happiness…

Regressing back to my previous state-of-mind after the relationship ended; I told myself I would abstain until I met my “soulmate” – after 16 months I thought I did meet her… I worked with her and we had become good friends after the last few years – she was recently separated from her husband and when we did come out and say we were a couple I copped all of the stigma that goes with being in that situation. I was called a home-wrecker and other things similar.

After three and a half years, I discovered she was cheating on me… Bear in mind; I had been suspecting it for eighteen months-2 years beforehand. The most ridiculous thing is I blamed myself – to some degree; I still do. After two months apart we decided to give it another go. I was told by everyone I was opening myself up to get hurt, my family, my friends, even her family and friends and I wanted to believe that they were wrong… Of course they weren’t. Once a cheater, always a cheater… Fool me one, fool me twice etc.

Next is where the story notices a small light at the end of the tunnel… I had changed jobs just before my previous relationship broke down; at this job I met a girl who was somewhat younger than me; I was 24 and she was 20… We started off as friends and as our friendship grew we were both developing feelings but were too scared to come out with it. (The place where we worked was very anti-relationships) – After some deep soul-searching we finally did tell each other how we feel and we did the right thing (I stood down from my management position and we disclosed our relationship to the HR department) at company level everything was accepted; at our branch level, most of the staff looked at us differently and treated us differently.

This girl that I was now seeing, she was\is absolutely fantastic… She valued me and cared for me; most importantly she loved me for who I am. After a few months together I was the happiest I could ever remember being and I popped the question… Of course once news of this got out we were treated even worse at work and my now-fiancee was really feeling the effects of it and she was getting depressed because of work. Living in a relatively small town where everyone know everyone, I felt a change of scenery was in order. I got a new job approximately 6hrs drive away and we uprooted our lives and moved. It started off great at first, we found a house and my partner found a full-time job very quickly. Unfortunately I was working very late nights and my partner being a very family-orientated person felt very isolated being in a town where she knew relatively no-one. I changed jobs returning to my original field so I could spend more time at home with her was a temporary fix but I could see her getting less and less enthusiastic I made the hard decision and said that it was time to go home. I loved her too much to see her upset; (especially when I know how much it hurts.)

Since we’ve come back, I have gone to a really bad place… I struggled to find work at first and I still haven’t found anything full-time; we’re living at my fiancee’s parents and they’ve been absolutely wonderful but it’s been a major culture shock living in a family environment when I haven’t lived with my own parents for nearly 7 years. We’re in some serious debt and are in the midst of going through bankruptcy proceedings and it’s just becoming too much. The one thing in this world I care about (my partner) is the one who is suffering as I am becoming “a different person” and “not the man she fell in love with.”

I do not blame her for saying these things because I know this is true. I love her with all my heart and I just don’t know what to do; I have promised her I will seek professional help but the whole idea of that makes me feel worse and even more pathetic. Maybe she is better off without me; that is how I’m feeling at the moment.

Anyway, that’s my life at the moment and I thank anyone who takes the time to read it.