Cutting and Suicide.

I have been cutting since my 7th grade year. I don’t really know why I started  or what caused me to feel cutting was a good way out. All I know is that I used cutting as an escape for my pain which then turned to an addicting habit. A girl I knew, Raiyanne used to put small razor blades in her compact mirror and cut whenever she needed a release at school. I don’t know why I decided to cut but that became my way of doing it. My wrists are scarred up so bad from cutting that I’m not even sure how I look at them. I followed the Butterfly Project for awhile my Sophomore to Junior year of High School, but it never really did any good. I always killed those butterflies. It just wasn’t a good motivating factor for me. I think the longest I ever went without cutting was with my ex Ricky, I don’t think I actually cut at all while we were together which was 7 months. But right after we broke up I went right back to the cutting.  7th grade to now, as a 12th grader, still cutting. I haven’t cut in maybe a week and half now. But even then I think about it and having that undying urge to grab the blade and slice my won skin open and then I think of what it would be like to be found dead. Overdosing on too many pills and falling in the shower, or jumping off into the canal unable to find the remnants of my lifeless corpse, or cutting so bad all the blood drains from me. I think of what it would be like to slit my own throat and bleed out from the neck. I don’t know what’s wrong with me………….