I was raped.
Only 11 years old.
I didn’t know what was happening. Nor had I ever gotten purposely drunk or smoked pot before.
I thought that was what love was…
After that, I became sex crazed. By the end of high school I was known as the local slut that was passed around. Guess whats what happens when you let men fuck you and pass you on to their friends like a piece of meat. But I didn’t care. Why? Because I was punishing myself. I felt that I deserved to relive my rape because I wasn’t happy with myself. And why shouldn’t I be happy? I have an incredible family that loves me. I have no college debt because of my scholarships and parents. My life is perfect except for me. I don’t feel like I belong sometimes….
I have a new boyfriend now. He’s great, but not all of his friends are…
Recently, one of his friends grabbed my wrists recently in a drunken rampage. I screamed, fought and cried. Briefly reliving the moment I would love to erase. My boyfriend knows what  happened to me, but he doesn’t really understand. Nor did his friend.
I left.
I live alone in an apartment a few hours from home.
I just locked up the knives and broken glass bag.
I cant stop crying…
12 comments
Crying is necessary, AH. What you’re going through must be Hell.
http://www.******.com/Crisis-Chat
A bunch if us from this site are on there. We get it. Be well.
🙁 sorry to hear dear
thank you. It just feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you with some flashbacks. It’s falling back into that dark pit I was in is the scary part.
just remember at the end of every tunnel is light and after the rain comes the rainbow …..they are only memories now it will pass
You sound really strong for locking up the knives.
Some day you should try to make your bf and friends understand. I think all men should be sensitive to behaviours that can trigger. Maybe he can read some literature about trauma or something…?
sbkstep42: hope is a false concept – there is light or rainbows … really///please.
As for your situation ActingHuman, maybe you should just try making guy friends for a while instead of dating? that might help you learn a perspective of intamacy boundries. also, seek out an old childhood friend you grew up with or from elementary school when you were just 8 or 9, reflect on the found memories of innocence and girlhood – this will help tranport you back to another time and place where you can restart your inner self and regrow what part of you was stunned with trama. <3
You thought it was what love is, because you didn’t know what love really is. But now you have much better idea.
But there are just a few more things you need to have a better idea about, ones which may be you don’t yet. I mean those facts of life:
– most of men and women around are retards, and some others are smart but evil and dangerous, – but yet some few others are great caring people; it’s not impossibly difficult to meet some people from the latter group if to search for them intelligently and patiently;
– it is natural thing to have sex, it is natural thing for some (retarded) men to do forced sex, and it is natural to have sex with multiple partners. You did nothing disqusting; in fact, mother nature created us in such a way we are supposed to have sex alot and with many partners – we are not spiders who eat their male after a single intercourse. So don’t be ashamed – your sexual experiences are in principle no different from doing many different sets of shaping excersises. That’s what it is in reality, nothing more, nothing less. The rest is silly things your mind create out of nothing – think about it calmly, and i bet you’ll come to the same conclusion. It’s just needed to tame those wild emotions – this leftover, this side effect of standards and traditions we all are taught by our parents, school, TV etc. Emotions which have no existing base in reality.
– it is you and you only who decide who gets sex with you – now that you’re not 11 year old, helpless, girl. If need be, feel free to hit them, cut them with your finger nails, tear out their hair, hit them in the gut with your knee, etc etc – and don’t feel guilty at all. You see, in any civilized society, it is woman who decides for herself – with whom, how far, hor frequently, everything. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, because no matter how many men you had and how badly you were raped in the past, – it all doesn’t change the fact that right now, you still have your body and your desires being exactly the same with any other completely normal woman: to be loved, to be pleased, to be protected. If you’d let your own past to ruin your chances to get love, and pleasure, and protection of some good man, then, and only then, those men who raped and who used you like piece of meat – only then they have won. But it’s 100% in your power to prevent that and live what your life and your body provides – happy and good life.
Oh and don’t supress ’em feelings, but slowly find peace with them; after all there is no ruch in such a serious matter, take some time to figure out what’s what, to live alone for a while, just don’t burn bridges, ok?
I have a feeling you’ll do OK. 🙂
To acting human
I too have been raped at 15 I went through a pretty similar stage after about six months after my brothers Freind raped me repeatedly . I’m twenty plus years down the track and I have to tell you it fucked up my whole life in many ways I became an addict that’s right first alcohol then pot then speed LSD ectacy then heroin . By the time I was twenty three I got help and went through fairly intensive therapy and relived the whole experience cause I couldn’t even walk into a bathroom without freezing up. My therapist told me when I went through a stage of being promiscuous I was trying to gain control. And that rung true, it’s a hard thing to work through and effects many areas of my life including my sex life, my emotions and much more but you can get through this with support no one deserves that to happen to them. Through working through these issues I mean crying suffering panic attacks and nightmares I have worked through my sexual assault issues but let me help you by telling you to get professional help cause you deserve to love yourself and not let a rapist define who you are good luck girlfriend xx
well you can not believe but not break it for others ……..i have hope in recovery and its works for me i believe everyone can get better with willpower and determination
Everyone, thank you for all of your comments and support. I was in therapy from my middleschool years until college. I had been seeing the same therapist all those years and now that I live in a different state entirely I have yet to find that connection I had with her. I am medicated and continue to see a psychologist from time to time.
As for my childhood friends, I have none. Not a single one stayed by my side. I do have friends from highschool and college and I do keep in contact as much as possible. Unfortanutely, as you all probobly know, it is difficult to constantly call if there is an issue.
I have terrible anxiety and terrible frears of being alone or a burden. The way I cope with that is by comforting others who are or have been dealing with much worse.
I want that feeling of control over my life. I want to be content being by myself and that is partly why I moved into my own apartment. But it hasn’t been working out very well lately.
I am my own worst enemy when I am alone with my thoughts. any suggestions on how to find strength in myself without having to rely on others or make up reasons for why I am sad?
A hobby is your best bet
When you get better in the hobby you can build self confidence and you’ll feel less sad