I’m 21 years old…a college dropout, jobless, single, and I got out of the hospital a few weeks ago after trying to hang myself. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 and PTSD in 2010 and every time I try to get help it fails. My meds aren’t working and the past two days have been an emotional nightmare as I’ve been preparing to take my life. I don’t want to be talked out of it either…I just want to share my thoughts before I do it.
I’ve been severely depressed since I was a young child. My father was emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive and eventually left the family. I was never close to my mom or brother, both of whom I live with now. My first attempt was at the age of 7. Since then I have attempted over 30 times and I am alive today because I have been found in time almost every time. I was bullied up until high school, where I had a lot of friends and was a well known artist. I was happily engaged for almost four years until my ex fiancé cheated on me without me knowing for two years. He left me on Christmas Eve 2011, two and a half years after I lost my son before he was born. Since then I have been sexually abused by two more men that I have dated. I became a born again Christian in 2011 and have found so much happiness and peace in that, but now I just feel it is better to go home to God. I no longer find joy in my usual hobbies, nor do I ever see my friends. I am never able to get out of the house because I am usually too depressed to leave my room, and because I was in an accident I am not trusted to drive anywhere. It is rare I see anyone besides my mom and brother. I live an extremely isolated life. I have been so indescribably sad lately. I prayed and prayed all day yesterday for someone, anyone, to come see me. Not even the people I live with spoke to me. I have never cried so much in a 48 hour period. All of this has weighed down on my heart and now I can honestly say I am ready to put an end to this once and for all.
I’m planning on taking my life today. There is no way it can fail. I know that my friends and family would be better off without me. My poor mother spends so much money on my hospitalizations, therapy, and medications that don’t even help me. I am unable to find work because I live in a rural area and I know there’s no way I will be able to hold a job being like this. I don’t want to be a financial burden on my family any longer. They dont understand how I think and it results in us arguing almost all the time we are around each other. I already know my friends are sick of me because most of them have stopped talking to me after my most recent hospital visit. It saddens me that I have done so much for them and when I need them most they are nowhere to be found. If one friend comes to see me today, I will not take my life but I know that’s not going to happen so I will not get my hopes up. I got all my affairs in order now all I need to do is go through with my plans. I’ve been so sick for so long and all I want is to be at peace and be with God in a place where I will undoubtedly be loved and cared for. That place certainly isn’t here.
6 comments
I noticed this was today, and I made an account just to talk to you ;] Im fairly young compared to you, but I have faced the same troubles as you have. I’m not really close to any of my family members. My dad has sexually abused me in the past, (he’s changed now) and so has my cousin as well as a family friend. I completely know how it feels worthless- like people are after your body and not you.
I sought the comfort of the online world, making online friendships that to be honest, were worth it. However, as the saying is, everything that was once yours can be lost in a second. I do have a person that I can let out everything to, and I have. I really don’t know how much longer that person will be with you. Things have been really hurtful and bottling things up doesn’t really provide a haven or a cushion for your problems. Like you, I also live an extremely isolated life. Somedays I don’t leave the room. I feel like the world only has to offer so much hate and sadness.
However, as weak, worthless, and at the edge I am now, I urge and almost beg you not to take your life. Heaven is really for people who earn it; for those who become stronger than the problems life gives them. Suicide is a crime in God’s eyes; Life is a gift from him. You need to conquer life and prove it to God that you have taken the gift he has given you with pleasure; that you have not given up on his plans and destiny for you.
Friends aren’t the world. I’ve long figured that humans are in t heir own race, to have their own life perfect rather than lending a hand when others need it. But all is well. I think you’ll like the online world. Maybe find a charming guy there? (I know, it doesn’t sound sensible, but I have met the most wonderful people online. A small little community that puts a smile on my face) Get to know him? And hope for the best. Guys aren’t usually the best solution for your problems because they too are human. How about a pet? A dog is a man’s best friend. You might not be in a financial condition right now, but honestly, all you need to do is relax with someone- whether it be a pet or a man.
I hope I helped but for me, don’t take your life. God pushes you to the edge because either catch you when you fall or teach you how to fly.
I’ve haven’t had any affairs. What’s that like?
What are you talking about? I’ve never cheated on anyone in my entire life!
Thank you for your kind words silverstream. I actually do have pets – two loving guinea pigs – and they are my babies. They make me so happy and I didn’t realize until now what will happen to them if I was gone.
I didn’t think that there was anyone else who could possibly have the same troubles. My heart goes out to you!
I’ve met a few people in the online community that are like me. For the longest time I’ve spoken to people who post on forums on DeviantArt about is kind of thing and, hypocritically, beg them not to do what I’m planning on doing. I also haven’t though about what they would think…if they would ever find out anyway.
I have tried since I saw the light to use the life God gave me to conquer the demons and make my mess into my message. I feel I’ve done a good job at that by helping others like me, but my personal life is so screwed up that at this point it’s like there is no way to escape my mind. I feel like its a prison.
@seasidetide – read your story and it breaks my heart. I’m 28 unemployed and single as well. Please do not die! You deserve to live. ^^ smiles.
Aw its lovely you have pets! Without even saying a word, they can put a smile on this world. You can find a thousand reasons to take your life; we all can really. But if we find that one thing to live for, life will be a blessing. Thats your victory.
Its fascinating how you find people thats been through the same shit as you have, and I honestly think its comforting. Your alone, but your fighting your battle together 😉
Be free sweetie. Lifes what you really make it. There are always things to snatch away your happiness, to make your life a prison of sadness. And when those things hit you, all you have to say is Im not letting this take away my joy. ;]
Since you’re now a Christian, I think it’d be nice and comforting if you just took a peak at Joel Osteen’s sermons. (On youtube). Their really helpful in keeping yourself positive and in a healthy mind set 😉
Trust me, I’m here to help even if my life’s screwed up. You have to think outside the box and tada, life will be lovely. 😉