I’ve been using the thought of suicide as a means to get through the day, to justify why I live the way I do. It’s made everything easier knowing I wouldn’t have to worry people or be worried much longer. But now the thought isn’t doing it anymore, it isn’t making me happy the way it used to. Neither the thought of dying nor living alleviates any guilt or regret. Nothing gives me any happiness or sadness much anymore, where as the ideation gave me hope.
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I very much relate to your first sentence. I wouldn’t say it’s ever made me happy, but it makes me feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, what feels right, and that’s a good feeling.
At first the thoughts were scary and unwelcome; I indulged them for a little while and just figured I’d snap out of it back to plain old depression the next day. I kinda did, but the thoughts came back a couple days later. Then for some reason it felt good to embrace them. But months later… I guess we can get to a point where we’re so accustomed to them, they lose their initial effect? Like a drug you have to keep taking a higher dose of.
Not sure what to do about it. A lot of us here on this site seem to be stuck in this “not really living but not dying either” frame of mind.
Why do you feel guilt and regret? Why are you hurting like this? And no… fantasizing is just that… a fantasy… Suicide is final… There is no relief in death… there is just… nothingness…
You know … It’d be very good for everyone to have a certain amount of control over how and when to die, i think … It defintely makes coping alot easier.
I feel similarly. Fantasizing was enough for a long time, but now it is not. I hope your answer comes quickly enough.