living a lie?

The real me can be dark and cold, but at time caring and compassionate. But most of the time, I put on a facade of being a nice guy, when in reality sometimes I can have the meanest thoughts. This drives me crazy at times, and I feel as if I don’t have any real friends because I’m too scared to just be myself. It’s hard for me to be outspoken, critical, and not afraid of what other people think of me. It’s like I base so much of my self-worth on what other people say and think of me, that even a angry glance in my direction makes my knees buckle. This has made me very unhappy for much of my life, and I want to stop basing my self worth because of other people’s opinions, but it’s so hard to do. I’ve always been very very sensitive, and to top it all off, i’m not very competent or smart. But I do work hard and i’ve gotten good at math and science with my hard work. I have that at least, and I’m opening up to some of my friends. The root of my problem I think is just fear… the fear of rejection… the fear of failure… and that constant knowledge in the back of my that says, “No one truly cares.” And I think no one truly does, because everyone is so busy worrying about themselves. sometimes, i think i’m going mad, and i can’t help but look at myself and see how pathetic i truly am.