(A lot of the things I have to say in this post are comments I have already made in replies to posts by others. If something I say seems familiar to you, you probably read one of my previous comments.)
I once heard someone say that for some people, this world was never going to be quite right. I agree with that assesment. I see many people here on this site just like me. They feel alone, even in a room full of people. Somehow, no matter what we do, we just don’t fit into “the groove” that everyone else seems to. Because of this, everyone else, will never understand us. I want out of this world. I want out in such a bad way. The first time I remember wanting to kill myself I was 8 years old. You just can’t imagine how many people i’ve told that to, only to be asked (every single time), “what does an 8 year old kid have to want to kill themselves over?” My first though is usually to think that even if I had an answer, you (the one asking the question) wouldn’t understand it even if I told you. People that have never felt so low that they would do absolutely anything to end the hurt, cannot even begin to understand those that have, and do. They have no clue about the demons we fight and do battle with day after day and year after year. But back to the question at hand… I honestly do not have an answer, I just clearly remembering that I wanted to end my own life. I’m 37 years old now. This has been with me most of my life. It will follow me until the day I die (whenever that may be), be it by suicide or natural means. I have a “story” I could tell about the train wreck that my life has been (some of which is my own fault, some circumstance that has befallen me through no fault of my own), but I’m not going to tell it because everyone here has a story. We all have hurts that plague us, keeping us awake in the night. I don’t feel it important to share my story for 3 reasons. The first is what I just stated,  that we all have our own stories. It’s not important that you know mine. Secondly, I do not want anyone analyzing my issues and telling me what I need to do. That is not why I’m here. I know people mean well, but if I wanted answers I’d ask for them. Third, the issues that I do battle with do not hinge on my circumstance. Yes, they are terrible, heartbreaking circumstances, but if I didn’t have them, I would still be in the same place. As I said, I have never felt as though I fit quite right here. Something’s always been wrong. Something that I can’t even put my finger on, but can feel it and know it’s real nonetheless. Circumstance only adds fuel to a fire that is already burning. I have done rehab. I have done antidepressants. I have done counciling. Still, this is where I am and will always be. I’m not discouraging others from seeking help by these means. If they help you, fantastic. I am glad for you. But nothing I’ve ever done has ever given me the solace I seek.
All this being said, the thing that has always prevented me from ending it is not fear, but guilt regarding others in my life. Not wanting to hurt my loved ones. Then today I had an epiphany. All of us are on borrowed time. We are all going to die, sooner or later, in one way or another. My loved ones at some point are going to be faced with mourning my loss, or I will theirs. I am simply speeding up an inevitable process. An appointment with destiny that all of us will ultimately face. Noone here gets out alive.
I am very, very near my breaking point. The point where I can take no more. Where I can’t go face another day of rain. I am very close. I have been here before, but somehow have a peace about the whole idea that I’ve never had before. In some ways that makes it easier, and at the same time is terrifying. As I said, I’m very close, and (again) in the end, noone here gets out alive.
The last thing I want to satisfy this… Whoever you are reading this, please do not read my words as encouragement to take that final step. Seek help. I want out, but look everyday for a reason to go on. I look for reasons to keep fighting at least one more day. I hope I keep finding them, and hope you do as well. Wish me luck on my journey, and may you be blessed in yours.
13 comments
I know how you feel. I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I thought about suicide since I was 11 but never attempted it. I’m 23 now and just entering the real world. I major in a subject that I don’t have interest in. Why? Well Because I was as clueless as to what I wanted to do when I entered college like now. I just picked it because Liberal Arts is a degree in nothing basically. I’ve been depressed since I finished school this January. I had a dream and I was chasing it for a year but I had to give up on that because it wasn’t guaranteed for me and I wasn’t cut out for it I found out. I’ve started talking to parents and I even saw a psychiatrist the other day. Today I went to a job interview that requires my major that I don’t care about. I really bombed mostly because I didn’t show any sort of interest. How can you? If your hearts not there, how can you fake it? I really don’t know what to do or what to do with my life. I don’t have any goals or ambitions. I don’t know anymore. I wish you luck as well. Your older than me but we both need that will to go on. As for your story, you should share it. Everyone has one and everyone wants to read about it.
I know people who have been very low, but still have never wished to kill themselves, for whatever reason. Suicide seems to be quite black & white: either someone can understand how it’s an option, or they can’t.
It’s not inevitable that your loved ones will eventually mourn your death… parents, for example, are supposed to outlive their children. And you’d still be hurting them deeply in a different way by choosing to end your life rather than it coming to its natural end.
Not judging, just sayin’. I do wish you luck in your journey and hope you find peace one way or another <3
I consider those people who are at a low point but never give up to be very strong.
drifts86; I’m not trying to be your father, please don’t think that. But heed my advice, I was you when I was your age. Now, I’m nearing 40 with nothing to show for it. Believe me, I know what it feels like to be confused and not motivated to do all the things “normal people” do. Please don’t give up though. You have your whole life before you, and it can be a good one. This is funny. I’m doing just what I didn’t want, trying to give advice to someone else. But your comments are actually encouraging. Maybe I should share my story. Maybe I will. To be honest though, its so sad someone else might kill themselves just from reading it.
SadBK; you really are right. Dying of natural causes would be easier for everyone to live with than me offing myself. Truth is though, all my loved ones, or most of them anyway, have turned their backs on me. There would only be a few people who would even care.
“Now, I’m nearing 40 with nothing to show for it.”
I started to change my “fortunes” at around in my 30’s after years of just being listless – only to have it all stripped away through no fault of my own (at least by no direct overt action) through the shifting winds of the economy – it can be done at any time at any age … there’s no time limit.
besides – “He who dies with the most toys …” just leaves the biggest mess to clean up 😉
@Drift – I’m older than Hurting1 – don’t worry about the interview or the degree – you got the basis to go back to school at any time to study whatever finally strikes your heart – in the mean time – just go out and experience anything that strikes you in the moment – learn and try new things until something grabs you and doesn’t let go – get whatever work it takes to get by, even if it means washing dishes – which is an easy no-brainer for the money – the key is to take pride in what you do until you no longer feel like doing it – then find something else – after a while you’ll be very knowledgeable in many things
austere dawg
@hurting1, I seen patterns in my life. I use to go to the gym, I use to be motivated, I use to have a girlfriend, I use to be optimistic. I’m trying to make it out of this tunnel but it’s like I don’t see any bright light ahead and if it does come, it will be temporary and I’ll be back to square one. I am very fortunate that I have family who love me enough to care and try to get me out of this hole. I accomplished so much for my age and from the neighborhood I’m from even though I don’t view myself as better than anyone. I just don’t feel like I accomplished what I wanted and my goals didn’t turn out to work in my favor. It’s very discouraging when you have to wake up from a dream because it’s not working as good as you put into it. I am trying too though because I know I will not be young forever. Thank you for your words of encouragement. As for your story, you should share it.
I have been married 3xs. 1st wife left me and our kids to be with someone else. 2nd wife, who was a wonderful mother to my kids, died at the age of 25. My 3rd wife, who I foolishly am still so terribly in love with (she’s an RN) has left me, and my kids, for a doctor who’s worth enough $$$ to give her the life she wants. My daughters, who loved her like a mom, now having lost a 3rd mother, blame me, and hate me. One of them has repeatedly told me she wishes I was dead. The same week my wife told me she was in love with another man and we were done, I lost my job. I was just moving out, and gas to move it with my parents (@ age 37, I’m back home with mom & dad. That’s great for my already burned up self esteem). My folks don’t want me there, they just couldn’t let their grand kids be out on the street. At this point, everyone in my life that matters to me has rejected me. I have a new job, but it pays very little and my prospects of getting on my own any time soon is bleak. Oh, and did I mention that my wife gave me an STD. Not the kind that will kill you, just the kind that won’t ever go away. So, if I wanted to move on and find someone else (but why the Hell would I want that at this point?), I’m thinking that my chances of finding an understanding partner is going to be impossible. Anyone out there have any questions at this point as to why I want out?
Please, spare me the whole “your wife is gonna burn in Hell!” rhetoric. I’ve heard that from everyone, and believe me, it doesn’t make me feel any better.
Well, as requested, there’s my story (and that isn’t really even all of it to be honest, just all I am going to share). But as I said in my post, this is all just circumstance. Fuel to an already burning fire. The real issue is, “what the Hell is wrong with me?” “What did I do to deserve to be this man of sorrows?” I have had enough. I’m still trying to find reasons to keep on keeping on, but the pressure is weakening me more and more everyday. I’ve really had about all I can take at this point. Please do not read this and try to tell me it will all be ok, or to give it time. I realize that things may get better eventually. The problem with waiting on someday is that I’m dead inside today.
@Dawg I’m not so worried about the interview since I showed no interest in the job. I just went because I was told of an opening and decided to show up. It’s not only career wise that I’m in a depression, it’s also to do with life in general and how I feel like a dog that is constantly being kicked down by life.. I’m not really good at anything and I feel like a lone wolf.
@hurting: I’ll spare you all you asked to be spared. I am deeply sorry for your horrible outcomes and I can only imagine. Pain is pain no matter how huge the wound is. It leaves scars and only time can tell whether they heal or not or even get re-opened. What are we to do? When life has thrown us in the mud enough that we are tired to even get back up and just want to lay there. What are we to do?
driftz86; that is the real question isn’t it. To tell the truth though, I know where this will end. I’ve always known how it would end. Just not when. I have all the motivation I need at this point to just end it. Don’t know exactly when that will play out, but I know that its inevitable. C’est la vie.
@Drift – “Life” doesn’t have feet with which to kick … people do – and people that kick dogs suck.
Life just is … it’s neither good or bad, and it’s not overtly helpful or hurtful – it’s just a container that holds everything – all the pieces and parts that were put in the container are what we have to contend with – somethings we are absolutely stuck with and must find a way to coexist with – but not everything – even a family member can be removed from our container if they are too troublesome.
Viewing “life” in a fundamentally different way – like the box that holds all the pieces to the puzzle is a necessary start to understanding that all the pieces in the puzzle box (life) may not even belong as a part of our puzzle
jigsaw dawg
Thanks Dawg, your response to Drift was helpful to me.
Glad I could help – that’s part of the reason I’m here for 🙂
dawg