And the rest may soon too.
Some of you know my story already. Well, I/m getting older every day and as a 22 year old female in this society, youth and beauty are the only value that can be given to a man in a relationship. I spent (wasted) two years of my best years and now my value has declined. I know this sounds harsh, Â but men become more attractive as they age and women–well, in society’s view– become bitchy, controlling, bitter and sexually invisible after a certain age. Biologically, men are wired to be attracted to youth and thus, fecundity.
Anywho, I’ll save my ranting. My point is that I made the a terrible decision having that abortion; I could have still had my love, we would have had a beautiful child and I most likely wouldn’t be here now, a year later, and planning my death.
Being pregnant was…better than any pill. Any Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Prozac–I truly felt happy despite even running to puke every 30 minutes.
Abortion is a topic that is controversial and yet irrelevant to most. I’m just one of many girls every year…who cares?! Get over it, right?! I guess the world is too much with me. I’m Wordsworth without any beautiful oration. I wish I could not think about that baby every day and not cradle a pillow in my arms rocking it to sleep like some lunatic, just balling. I wish I wasn’t so emotional, I can’t relate to others’ emotional plasticity, while they can’t relate to my inability to control mine. For this damage, I will be alone. Forever. (*cue image of forever alone meme*)
I’ll never find another man who will love me–literally, the only time I leave the house is for school and to run errands. When I do, I try and look my best hoping I will catch someone’s eye, and be approached. I Â get stares, cat calls, “you’re gorgeous!”, sweet smiles, but no one approaches me. Perhaps my jadedness is visible. Nonetheless, every day I get older, more cynical, more avoidant. I just no longer enjoy life and my last sustaining hope–to build the big, warm, and loving family I never had–can never be.
The bell tolls for thee.
6 comments
22 is still very young. It may feel old to you, but 22 is still well within the “youthful” range. I’m 27 and would easily pick up a 22 year old.
In terms of abortion: Whoever told you it would be easy was a liar. Abortion is not a magic bullet that just whisks away a child and any memory of it. That was a part of you, and it’s ok to grieve the loss. Many, MANY women go through severe depression and harbor huge amounts of guilt after an abortion. I’m not stating my stance on it, just the facts.
There are support groups for women who have had an abortion and it may be something you want to check out. Other women know how you feel and what you’re going through. It may be very healing for you to connect with others on this issue.
You’re not used up or unlovable now. Seriously, I mean that. I’m not just trying to make you feel better. People do things they regret and it doesn’t automatically make them social outcasts.
Please listen to letmesleep! “You are not unlovable…” in fact it seems the opposite, with you getting all those comments people near probably envy you. You should accept their complements. You are a different and wiser person now that you understand your mistake and deserve to live a full life. Want to try to make up for the abortion, get in a relationship, have a kid, treat them as well as possible! If you’re to avoiding you could consider making someone’s life a lot better by adopting them and taking care of them. You still have many opportunities in life and great potential, don’t waste it!
whyohwhysky………first off, I like the way you write. I love the word “fecundity.” Also, several times your words made me smile or laugh. I can only imagine how entertaining and witty and funny you would be if you were happy. Here’s the thing, and it is one of the moments when I laughed, I am 59. So forgive me when someone who is 22 speaks of getting old. You have a long way to go, but it is amazing how fast it all does go. Abortion. My wife of 26 years and I (divorced now for 9 years, she is remarried, I am not) had 3 children together. Before we were married (1977), we had an abortion. It was a cold, disjointed experience for me, and my future wife preferred not to talk about it, not when it happened and not throughout our years of marriage. She was the sort who buries things, I from time to time would wonder about that child and have some need to remember or think about the child that never was. The fact I got to father and raise three children certainly made it easier that one was lost.
I grew up in a family which had the material comforts of home, food, clothes, cars, stuff; but with parents unable to break the surface of shallow thought and an inability for compassion or love. Dad was nice but dense (although a brilliant lawyer), mom was selfish, mean-spirited, and vindictive, although she was OK most the time. I was never abused in any way. In the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s when I lived at home the world was different. We had independence from removed parents from a young age. I had no discipline or oversight and could do as I pleased as long as I got good grades and did not get in trouble (in other words don’t get caught doing shit). This formula worked for me and I had a carefree youth. Still, when I needed my parents the most, for those instances when an adult hand or comprehension of my inner needs surfaced – zilch. That never changed.
My point is this. You are the master of your life. While there are things you may never fully forgive or certainly never forget, those things need not keep you from a better destiny. I feel for you young kids today, the world has gotten colder, and more stressed, and more complicated, and more chaotic. Times are tough economically, war wages in many places, innocent people are being slaughtered. It is fucking brutal! Amidst all the pressures we have to make our way. You sound dynamic and very capable. There is a head on those shoulders and the capability to change direction. Personally, I wouldn’t want to bring a child into this world, but I have the advantage of having done so already.
I apologize for coming on like some dad figure, but I have a good sense for people (too trusting at times though), and I sense definite smarts and talent from your words. To think that you won’t find another man to love you is almost silly, and certainly not true, but you need to get on with loving yourself a bit.
Two days ago I was thinking about killing myself. Today I am not. Actually, letmesleep is but one of the people I came in contact with who got me thinking differently. I would enjoy further conversation with you, but understand if nothing I have said has any relevance.
Oh, and if you think youth and beauty are all a woman has to offer you are wrong. If that is what the men you come in contact with seem to want – get far away from those men. Companionship and shared thoughts are what men truly crave. A lot of men did not learn how to love in the families they grew up in, and need the gentle nurturing of a woman to get that. Unfortunately, women are becoming less nurturing as they now mostly all work and are not home as much nurturing. We have created a complex society and we humans are messy.
@InTheKeyofE: Thanks for validating me. I’m glad I was able to help in even a small way. That’s helps me to know I helped you.
@whyohwhysky: I forgot to mention there are online support groups as well that function like forums. A quick Google search for “abortion support group” netted me two different forums at the top of the search results. I strongly encourage you to join one. I believe only those who have gone through certain types of suffering can truly understand what it’s like to bear that particular burden. There are others like you.
In terms of what InTheKeyofE said about looks and youth not being the only thing women have to offer, he’s right. Statistics show that after divorces, it’s the men who are typically the most emotionally broken about what happened. Society has painted a picture of men who only need sex, and while that is definitely a need, we need so much more than that. We need love, acceptance, and companionship. Men need that stability in their lives – it helps us feel secure in who we are.
@InTheKeyofE-
Thank you, I enjoyed reading your comment and I related a lot to your story. I didn’t find it pedantic nor patronizing at all. Reminded me of my dad’s life raised by my grandmother who was a rigid woman married to an alcoholic yet successful attorney.
I was raised by my grandmother who came of age in the 1930s (my dad is considerably older than my mother, he’s 70) and held the belief that keeping up appearances is more important than dealing with feelings.
I agree that women in my generation, and those since women’s liberation, have become less domestic and nurturing. I’m much more traditionally minded than my peers which is probably why I am criticized for putting my hopes for a family before my career. I want to be educated, but I don’t think that going to college is the only road to intelligence. I’m an autodidact, one could reason, and believe that being a stay at home mom could be equally, if not more fulfilling. Besides, I think children need to have their mother around constantly for the first 5-7 years before they gain their first semblance of independence.
Nonetheless, here I go ranting again.
I also had a particularly unmonitored childhood. At the time I relished such freedom from rules and grounding, but now, I wish I had more attention. Not that i became rebellious, but rather aimless. There’s a certain amount of safety and love in discipline.
I would enjoy talking with you as well. I’m glad that you’ve changed your decision regarding suicide; your children still need their father, which I’m sure you considered.
Hope you are well.