This is nonsense, I can’t see the exit sign

Well, I am here now, after I couldn’t figure out where to go finally I found this site, and I hope this is gonna help me. 
I had severe depression for two and a half-three years. My story started when I turned four or five, my brother started to act weird. First he was hurting me all the time, he was nine at the time, but it was okay, this is no big deal between siblings. I was always the type of kid who is playing alone and trying to stay out of trouble. My brother started to fight with my parents, first it wasn’t that bad but then it became ugly. I was five when he first explained me how would he cut my moms throat and puke in her lungs while she’s still breathing. He did illustrations as well. My dad was not coming home much, he hated the fights, they were very ugly and frightening, and my mom didn’t gave power to pay attention to me, and that was okay. It all became uglier and uglier, I started to have nightmares, I couldn’t sleep much and I literally stopped talking with my parents, we just talked about things like what I want from the grocery store. Every day when I was walking home I was afraid that I gonna find a blood bath at home, and since I didn’t know how to handle that I was nervous before opening the door, and then I just ran into my room. I developed insomnia and eating disorders, I could hardly eat anything, but I didn’t realize it at that time. I wished that this whole thing would just end, I started to think it was all my fault, and maybe it was. I never received a hug, affections, I felt empty and cold as the north pole, I heard things and I’ve seen things that I should not see that early, but it all became even worse. We had to sleep with closed doors afraid of not waking up again, and I tried so hard nit to think about it, I never showed anything at school, but I hated to go home, I felt pins in my stomach everyday that when I go home there won’t be anybody alive. My nightmares seemed to be so real. I turned thirteen, I lost interest in school completely, it all came down to me, and without realizing it I started to wear only black clothes. I never been bullied at school, I just didn’t care enough so they didn’t bother to pick on me. I started to hate my life, myself so bad, I knew that something was wrong with me if nobody is bothering to recognize my presence, I burrows myself deep into my head, and I realized that I’m standing on the security line in the metro every single day, I could hardly force my legs ti move in the direction of our house, I haven’t been talking much, I haven’t been talking to my parents, and this was the time when my brother moved out. And with it you would think nice, so it will get better, well, it didn’t, instead I started cutting and burning myself, standing in high buildings and looking down, staying under the water every time I took a bath. I couldn’t sleep, sometimes I’ve seen imaginary people in the window, sometimes I just freak out without any particular reason and went to hide somewhere. My dad was abroad for a long time. Mom started to work all the time, when she came home she was stressed and she was yelling at me, without any reason. So yeah, I spent alone my days, and I was nervous when my mom opened the door. She never seemed to recognize the black clothes, the scars, the burnings all over my hands, I think she just didn’t really want to, and for some reason it felt awful. My brother looked down on me, I have no idea why. Until he moved out he ignored me, after that he seemed like he hated me or what, he said things to me, I tried so hard to not think about them but hell, I didn’t have anything else to think about, I was alone all the time and I always tried to figure out the reasons. My mon left for a half year, I stayed with my grandma, my brother came over one night, I had a horrible day, I wanted to just lock myself in the room and hide somewhere, but he said something that hurt me so bad that I just went upstairs crying and started to torture myself even more, I started to take pills, sometimes I fucked myself up so bad that I felt like I’m burning in hell from the horrible pain. I tried to talk to a friend, but before I really said anything she said that suicide is selfish and childish. I shut my mouth and didn’t mention it again, but almost three years of severe depression, that’s not something you can just hide. I wanted to be loved so bad, I said yes to a relationship which was different than the one I expected, my partner did so many things against me that I developed panic attacks, so after this I had to see a psychiatrist since I  had this attacks and I couldn’t breath and everything. Well, they helped me with that one. Mom realized she should act like a mom, I didn’t know how to act like a kid, I never really felt like I had parents so I didn’t know how to approach. We are like strangers and I would not go and hug a random person on the street, and that’d be kind of the same… I started to get better as I started to ignore certain things for the good, but not much better. I have ups and downs, usually downs, I tried to kill myself so many times and even now, when I’m wearing rainbow clothes and sparkly make ups I just can’t get my mind off the problem, I can’t stop thinking about suicide, I can’t stop hating myself, and it changed a lot during the years, I’m almost an adult now and I’m acting like an adult, but I feel everyday like this should be the last one, and I can’t really understand why everyone was okay with letting this so far, I can’t help myself anymore, it’s been five years now and it became bigger than me, complicated and I can’t describe it anymore. 
Basically this is my story, I’m not sure what are you going to think about me but I can’t worry about it anymore, I’m trying hard and nothing seems to change. I feel so lost… Does anyone have similar experiences or want to talk or whatever? every kind of help or idea or opinion could help me I guess, andor at least I want to give it a try…