I am a waste of life. I am oh so tired. I’ve been away for a while but now I’m back. This weekend my flame will finally burn out for good.
I am not a very religious person and I still am not close with my “spiritual side”, but I am going to try another time and turn to God to help me through whatever.
I am saying goodbye to you SP. I’m deleting my old posts and I’m going to burn my black book and anything else I used for “coping”. I simply don’t need them anymore.
I’ve tried in the past to read the bible and pray to God, but nothing came of it. I am going to try harder and build actual faith instead of pretending this time.
My advice to you all is just give it a try. I used to have stong opinions even hatred towards God, so I understand the skeptics out there, but when you’ve felt like I have and been through shit, sometimes you need something to believe in.
So, I’ve made it clear I’m leaving. I’ve been attacked from every angle. It’s relentless. I’m holding my ground. I won’t back down. I’ll burn this fucking world to the ground.
Where’s this strength coming from? I’m not sure. I will use it as long as it last.
I theorize I’ve never been more serious about suicide. I don’t want to die. So human-drive.
Here’s a poem I wrote through my sons eyes:
Watching out the windows,
Looking out of doors,
Scanning the horizon,
Gaze up to the stars.
Searching for that something,
That has gone so far away,
I don’t remember why I’m waiting,
Or what use to fill this empty space.
Still I sit here so patient,
I no longer see your face,
I wish things were different,
I wish you’d have chose to stay.
I’m so tired its unreal my eyes burn all day iv had this weird thought on my mind
most of us right now are in pretty dark places right ? Most of us would rather not be around right ? We want all our problems to be fixed to some degree which brang us to this dark place or to be fixed in some way or the other BUT what happens IF we some how get to a point were we want to actually live life EITHER way we are running out of time we could spend our whole life searching for happiness and not find it and could die sad and alone 20 year from now Im sad and alone now so what’s the difference between dying today or tomorrow
i’m scared of going to hell. it’s honestly one of the reasons i haven’t killed myself yet. it probably sounds really silly to anyone who doesn’t believe in it…but i’m going to ask that you don’t mock me for this fear…
although sometimes i think i deserve to burn forever. and to be honest, i’m probably going to hell anyway, whether that be in 60 years when i die a natural death or right this very moment.
I need to know how crazy I am. I cut, burn, choke myself, abuse prescription and over the counter pills, and sometimes drive with my eyes closed to see if anything will happen. Sometimes I don’t think any of this is a big deal. I’ve grown to live like this almost constantly for the past year. Other times, I find myself sobbing, wondering what I’ve become. Is this a lot of self harm compared with others? I don’t know where I stand compared with other self harmers/suicide contemplators. I don’t know if I’m alone in this level of self hatred, or if there are others who do this amount of shit to themselves too.
Really feeling the urge to burn my shoulder with a lighter, past few days have been shit
Wow. Okay thats a thing.
Ive been passive aggressively making life harder for myself.
Exploiting all my health issues, especially the issues i know plague the bloodline. Picked up cancer sticks with the goal to burn through a pack a week…hell even depleted all my finacial resources knowing id be fucked when debt collectora come knockin.
Anything, to get sick to get hurt…to be ruined and yet.
A car that shouldve totaled me narrowly misses..my doc clears me of any bad news and now somehow i have money in the bank. Not just a few dollars but enough to get by the next few months.
I just dont get it. Universe there are so many others who deserve that help. In all those situations, so why waste it on someone who doesn’t want to even live? Let alone actually do something productive with what they do have. Man its like a normal person would be so happy about this right. But im just so lost with how i feel and kinda upset. Man im just this loser asshole so why?
Ive ditched cutting some time back but now ive picked up smoking haha. Well if its not one thing its another. Ive racked up some things to put me on the naughty list and while others are concerned how im going to handle them i find myself not really caring anymore. Even worse ive gotten into the habit of being a real clutz. At first it was just on accident but now they happen more frequently. I end up with scrapes, cuts and bruises that linger for a long time…but i kinda dont mind? Especially when cooking i used to be real careful but ive had a few burn incidents and minus the swelling from the water building up im really starting to get used to experiencing the pain. Like almost needing it in a sense.
the bruises they fade, and the scars disappear. yet I’m stuck here hurt beyond disbelieve, looking for answers I can’t find within myself. the memories burn in the back of my mind and come creeping back any chance they get. the way her hands hit my face so effortlessly, or the way degrading words flew out of her mouth. I never felt so small, so afraid. I lay there helplessly on the ground, pleading for what seemed like my life, but not even that would stop her. then the next day would come and there would be flowers, or a heartfelt letter apologizing. I knew it was coming before she even thought about sending them. it was all to familiar now. the beating, then the aftermath. it was a constant cycle, that I prayed to God would just end. she broke, broke me in more ways then one. she belittled me and made me believe every lie she spit my way. making it seem as if I almost needed her and in some weird way deserved this. she had complete power over me, and I handed it to her. I hated her, hated her for what she have done to me. but now I forgive her. not for her, but for me. because like chains shackling me to the past I will no longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust, or anger. I forgive her because hate is just another way of holding on, and she doesn’t deserve to have a permanent residence within me.
Its the end of the line for me Ive run out of time and bleed from my soul my heart has grown cold from the the things I have done singularity is me, alone, one.
This culmination of events is my ruination, my decent. Into darkness I fall as the devil calls. I will burn for this, I deserve this.
So, I’ve been planning on my exit for months via charcoal. Did 3 dry runs and thought I had it down. Finally decided to do it Wednesday night and while laying there, I really thought I was on my way. Put the grill in my room around 7pm, measured the co level and it was up to at least 999 (As high as the meter will read) but figured it would continue to climb. At 1am, I wake up, mainly because I had to “poop” and as I got out of bed, I was stumbling and confused. I was disappointed that I failed and wonder if the room is too big or if I let the charcoal burn down too much before bringing it inside.
The only side effects I am having was sores on my tongue and it being bright white, having to pee, but hard to do, but when I do it’s yellow as hell and a bit of shortness of breath.
Now I wonder, what should I have done differently? Has anyone else tried this method and failed? I thought it was going to be a no fail choice…..but guess I was wrong. I know when Brad Delp did it, it sounds like he pretty much lit the grill in the bathroom and when they found him…smoke rolled out of the room. Didn’t think that we wanted to inhale the smoke….but, perhaps its more a sure thing that way.
Any comments will be appreciated ……
This world has gone to shit
large cracks emerge breaking apart cities and towns
spewing fire from the very depths of hell
there is no stopping the chaos it brings forth
cities burn, families die
he is merciless and will not stop
pain everlasting, brings nothing but sorrow
merciless combat breaks out between the ones
with the strength and the will to survive
friends turned to foes
as they fight to survive
he sits on his throne
laughing maniacally (laughing)
but in the end, he will kill them all anyway
entrapped in psychosis, is this a dreamworld?
ENTRAPPED IN PSYCHOSIS, IS THIS A DREAMWORLD?
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
I’m so tired of being alive. But it’s like I don’t even belong in death. Like I could never deserve such a privilege. I’m stuck, in between life and death and no matter how exhausted I am, I just seem to go on like a curse inside of me. I just want to lay down, crash and never wake up. But every single morning, my eyes open and my conscious never stops murmuring words here and there. So many years have passed now but it’s all so confusing to me, cause my memories are all a blurry haze and I keep forgetting to dislike the constant lump in my throat. What am I doing? I don’t know. I don’t cut anymore, it’s pointless to me. I don’t burn anymore, it doesn’t keep me going anymore and anyway, I haven’t got any energy or scream left for it. My room’s a mess and I’ve got band rehearsal tomorrow but I’ve barely touched my bass or music sheets. I’ve got my piano performance this Thursday but I haven’t practised all week and my teachers keep telling me that I might not pass year 9 but all I am is tired. I find myself staring off into the distance, like the hours are going to pass by, like they used to. But I can’t tell anymore. I’m always eating, drinking, working and sleeping like a normal person but it doesn’t quite feel the same. I feel sick, when I drink and I have to shove the food into my mouth like a pig just to force myself to swallow and when I work I have to loose myself like a workaholic trying to rub out the pain and when I sleep I have to work out just before so that my adrenaline is so high that it blocks out any possible thoughts or anxieties. It’s on the weekends, that I can just be okay. That I can be selfish. That I’ll sleep all day to avoid the sun and at night I’ll find either the most funniest or depressing stuff on the internet possible and stay there for the next few hours. My life is good, but I am poison I could swear. I just wish, that people despised my guts so I could just kill myself without being so fucking selfish and I wish… I don’t know. I’m stable and unstable at the same fucking time. My art teacher told us the other day that there are two wolves fighting inside of us. One is vile, selfish, miserable and aggressive whilst the other is kind, selfless, happy and calm. He said that it’s up to us which one to feed, but that the one we feed, will be the one that wins. We wrote down which wolf we wold feed. I called the vile, selfish, miserable and aggressive wolf Angst and the kind, selfless, happy and calm wolf I called Serenity. I wrote down that I would feed Serenity. But I lied. Because to be honest I don’t know which one I even want to feed let alone the one I actually am or will feed.
You know, it’s kind of funny how, just last year I was in the fucking hospital after another suicide attempt with doctors and therapists interrogating me and now just this year I’m ranting on about wolves inside of me to the internet. I swear I’m just living off meds now.
I’m tired of punching walls, I’m tired of feeling sad, I’m tired of having an empty burn inside my chest, I’m tired of hearing voices, I’m tired of being surrounded by people who don’t know my name. I’m tired of wanting to end my life every single day. i really wish i wasn’t so tired..