I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m an 18 (almost 19) year old college drop out, and I just feel so lost. I have been suicidal ever since I was 12, and I never imagined that I would make it this far in life. I had only gone to college so I could get away from my parents, but due to my social anxiety I was forced to come back. I feel stuck; forced to live with my father who raped and hit me as a child, and my mother who has never tried to protect me from him (and further claims that the rape was just my imagination). I am forced to be civil and respectful to him, to pretend that he is the perfect father. My therapist has tried to help with my anxiety, but it’s no use; how can anyone try to heal while still living with their abuser? My “friends” don’t keep in contact, but that doesn’t bother me much; they are moving forwards with their lives, not to mention all of my friendships are superficial.
I have a job as a paraprofessional educator, but I don’t make nearly enough to be able to support myself. What little I make goes to helping with the bills, so I will never be able to save up enough to leave. I feel so hopeless. Even if I were to magically obtain the funds to support myself, I have no idea what to do with my life. I have no career goals, because I don’t have the foggiest idea what my interests are.
I’m just so overwhelmed by my emotions: fear and hatred towards my father, disgust and anger towards my mother, self -loathing towards myself as well as a plethora of other emotions that make it crippling to leave the slight comfort my bed provides. I’m terrified and wish there was someone that could help me, yet I’m equally terrified of trusting someone enough to give them the power to hurt me (contradictory, I know). I have been trying for so long to keep persevering, but what’s the point? I’m so tired or torturing myself like this, yet here I am…it’s so frustrating.
2 comments
These times are undoubtedly the most difficult to go through. You and I are very similar judging by what you have written in your post. Feelings of helplessness are felt when someone gets drowned in depression and have their eyes clouded by hatred. Even as I type this post, I have no idea either with what I’m going to do with my life, unsure what to do with mines simply because everything feels too awful to be real. I know what social anxiety feels like, but just try a new mindset. Sort of an apathy attitude. Maybe that would help.
Very clear description. So clear in fact, that the solution to beating your social anxiety is to realize that your conflict with treating your father “respectfully” and with a blind eye is worthy of great consideration. What you are experiencing is quite simply what’s called a “drain on your manhood”, leaving your body in the state of tension. Realize this! They don’t want whats best for you. Just as everyone does, they want what’s best for them! Now do what’s best for you. And let that anger out, yell in your car at your father LOUDLY arms flying, next time they say treat your father right, THINK LOGICALLY about how incredibly absurd it is to act respectfully to someone who doesn’t treat you with respect, and express your opinions STRONGLY AND CONCISELY. Let it out, just not in a way that you wouldn’t express in a public arena. They know what they are doing is wrong so don’t worry about the consequences. And most of all, refuse to apologize! Turn them away, and their childish ways. As to mom, remember she is a woman, she is not there to protect you so don’t look to her to fight for you.