(I apologize in advance for venting like this.)
I have been binge eating for six months straight, and I’ve gained so much weight. I now weigh almost 80 pounds. I know that’s still really underweight, I know I shouldn’t weigh 60 or 70 or even 80 pounds â€“ I’m an adult for fuck’s sake. But it doesn’t matter how hard I try to look at things rationally and objectively… I swear I look like I weigh twice what I do, and I’m so fat and bursting with so much self-loathing that I can’t stand it anymore. I’m never going to see myself the way others see me, food is never going to be able to just be food again, I’m never going to be able to stop using starving/eating as coping mechanisms, I’m never going to be able to stop my mind from constantly thinking about food…
I am so tired of having an eating disorder.
I feel so fat I want to die, and, honestly, at this point, I think dying is probably the only way my eating disorder is ever going to go away.