I am 17 in the evelenth grade, I have a 2.66gpa rigth now and after taking studying for the act… I got a 19…. I am not the smartest kids… In fact I come clost to down rigth dumb….I procrastinate aLot ….sleeping takes up Lot of time..but sleep is the only thing that keep me from thinking and crying…..but lately I can’t sleep I just cry and think all nigth… It’s making me dizzy in the Morring….
I find life to be joy less …. I am going to circles…. Friendship is pointless even for the few friends I do have… Even to my best friend… I don’t find humans hard to love I love every one and thing equally but I can’t love anything less or more…. I am going no where and fine peace in thougths of suicide and genocide…. I find fun in thinking about rape and being treated like crape… But even for such horrible thougths I am limited by my ugly height, weigth, short curly hair and even my race
In December I tryed to kill my self by overdosing .. I took four bottles of pills… Waited 6 hours for the pills to kick in but they didn’t till I was forced To go to the hospital. I was forced to stay at the mental hospital for aweek but they couldn’t fine any thing wrong with me other then I was depressed.. The offered me meds but my mom don’t like meds.. They told me to go to a thrapist but I can’t get my self o ask my mother for that…personally I think depression is something you have to work out by your self…..
About 4 mounts have past and I haven’t gotten any better.. On fact I have gotten worst , I have lost two thinks that souldnt affect me…
One was a friend… But this wasn’t my first time loseing a friend due to my depressing personality
The other was the voice in my head that yelled for me o kill my self….and other truthful , mean things.
When I gotten out of the hospital. Blamed that voice… But now with out it life have became lonelier and basicly boring with out some one to talk to me truthfully…..
I don’t know….now with out the voice … I still want to kill my self…. I been trying to figth this feeling from the moment it came back in February. But it seems pointless…. I don’t like things … If I keep living… I will just believing like I am now… Maybe I would turn out worst… I don’t. Know……
I don’t plane on living … I had a plane to save up money to buy a gun to kill my self next year after I leave off for college… But I don’t think I can wait that long … So I will play with the knife option on Friday, or wens day…
I just don’t know… I want to kill my self so bad…. But it still seem like I shouldn’t …even if it’s the world best path way for my life…….I don’t know maybe I am just coming on here for something …..