I’m scared to feel happy

Sometimes I wake up, lay in bed and just think I want to die then spend the next couple of hours thinking about how to do so. Sometimes I wake up and feel a little hope. And sometimes I wake up and I can’t help but think of last nights nightmare. My dreams are so uncomfortable and horribly vivid. They’re so vivid that I think about my dreams through out the whole day because they’re so uncomfortably real that I feel like it happened… Anyways throughout the whole day I’m just an emotional roller coaster I’m fine, I’m sad, I’m crazy, I’m hopeful (this is rare), I’m sane, I’m insane, I’m nothing, and I feel nothing. The times I feel happy or hope I get scared. I’m scared of getting too happy then falling back down into my deep depression. It’s false hope that I’m setting up for myself. I recently left college after my first semester because I couldn’t cope with my depression. Everyone tells me that I need to get mentally better before I make decisions, but I can’t help but think about my future and what I’m going to do next. My mind is constantly running and thinking. Even when I have nothing to think about I realize that a song is playing in my head. I inevitably think about going back to college and even research some new colleges to attend, but then I just get so scared all of a sudden and I feel pathetic and bad for myself. I then flashback to the person I was earlier this year. I was excited for college, my depression was controllable, and I was on the right track, everything was fine! I just want to be that person again. How did I end up like this? How did I change myself without my consent, without my knowledge? I had my life in control and now I have no control. I was certain about my future and now I have no certainty at all. So this is why I’m scared to feel happy. I’m scared to get better because I know that my depression will come back. I don’t want to stay on this roller coaster. I want to get off. I NEED to get off. For my sanity. I beg God to push me off of this roller coaster. I’ve been fighting so hard to control my depression and I’ve had my successes and failures. But I don’t want to keep fighting. I don’t want to try anymore. I feel like I cant. I’m currently on three anti-depressants and I can feel them working. I can feel parts of me dying because of the medication I’m on. I don’t want them to work, I don’t want to get better because I just don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t cry anymore, I can’t feel my emotions flow out of me through my tears. I loved crying, I loved releasing my sadness and I can’t anymore. I feel INSANE. I feel like somethings wrong in my body. Why can’t I cry? I feel sad all the time, but I don’t know why. I feel stuck in this world. I feel stuck in my mind and body. I want to break out and be free. Aren’t people supposed to love life? Aren’t people supposed to want to live? I don’t want to live another day. I just want everything to end so I can finally be free.